Trigger Warning: Trauma of repeated sexual abuse and assualt

[Yonderly]

I was only 5 or 6 when this first happened, I didn't know what he was doing was wrong. How could I when he made it into a sick game? It was between us and he would reward me with candy and chocolate later if I didn't say anything. I don't remember how many times it happened but it was so faint that when I grew older I thought I was going crazy. Maybe it didn't happen? Maybe I was the sick individual that thought of it, something was wrong with me. It lingered until I realised it did happen. I kept my distance, why haven't I said anything? why didn't I do anything? It's an internal struggle cause it was my cousin.

Not long after I was 15 when another cousin did the same thing. If I knew it was wrong why didnt I stop him? I froze and part of me thought it was alright cause I trusted him but that was what he wanted. I thought I deserved it cause I was so messed up from the first time. Why do I do this to myself I wonder.

As much as I was so angry and hateful towards each man, the anxiety of conflict and the need of evidence and talking about it was enough to keep me silent for years. People tell my family is the most important but to me it's to an extent. How can I forgive such a person that did such things to me. I know its not my fault but sometimes I feel like it is, I feel dirty and it had affected me. The amount of times I was attempting suicide was because of it. And the fact that at a such a young age I was already looking at porn and already feeling sexual pent ups that I get anxious or stressed if I don't get rid of it. To this day I feel disgusted with myself cause I had to rely on the same thing that I am traumatised with. I don't know if it is a coping mechanism or a sick game that they left me on.

The only time I ever did stand up to myself was when it was my final straw, my mum passed away from cancer and I felt like nothing can hurt as much as losing her. So long story short, my family found out on the day I stared him down and told him to get out of my house. But after that I felt it all went downhill, his sister (my cousin) wanted to 'talk' and she wanted to mediate things. It triggered me and I felt like was what I feared. They asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I dont want to see him ever again and for him to stay away from my family. But I was told I was selfish. I felt so betrayed and to this day, his mum (my aunt) and his sisters come over occasionally and I can't help but get reminded of him.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Yonderly,

Welcome to our online community and thank you for reaching out. We are so sorry to hear about what you have been through and we are so glad that you had the courage to reach out here. Please know that you are strong and you are valuable. You don't have to do this alone. Our community is here for you.

We can hear that this is a really tough time for you. Talking about childhood abuse is one of the most difficult things to do and then not receiving the right kind of support or response can be just as, if not more, devastating. We are so sorry you got called selfish. You are not. You are a brave person who found the courage to speak out. We would strongly urge that you contact a counselor who is trained to work with adult survivors of childhood abuse. In addition to finding a mental health practitioner for in-person support, you can also contact Blue Knot Foundation - by phone at  1300 657 380 9am to 5pm AEDT Monday to Sunday or email at  helpline@blueknot.org.au. They offer confidential information, counselling and supportfor adult survivors.

In overwhelming moments, you can also reach out to our friends at Lifeline at 13 11 14 and https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-4am). 

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and that you can find the courage to reach out to a professional Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

[Ggrand]

Dear Yonderly..

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums...

Im really so sorry this has happened to you..and can relate to family and sexual abuse....It was my eldest brother..I was 11 and it went on until I turned 15....Then that abuse stopped but he went into it another way...

I felt shame and guilt for so many years..I am 65 and just now really able to manage my childhood abuse....

I eloped st 18 to escape him..biggest mistake ever..(that’s another story)...since my elopement I haven’t seen my eldest brother because I don’t ever want to..he took my innocence and childhood away from me...He did contact me a couple of years ago...to ask for me to forgive him...I said no..he msged a few more times still my answer was no...next time I’ll not return his message...

Dear Yonderly..you are not selfish for not wanting to see or hear from your cousin/s...You are protecting yourself..your mental health and that is your first priority....to look after and be gentle and kind to yourself...You did nothing wrong at all....you were a precious innocent child..and was manipulated by a horrible abusive cousin....

Whats helping me now is counselling..I am wondering if you have any professional mental health Counsellor s/Psychiatrist/psychologist helping, caring and guiding you towards helping you heal your mental health?...If not is it okay if I gently urge you to reach out to your Dr...

Sophie has given you some great support contacts..which are very helpful in times of high anxiety..Really nice caring people to reach out to....

You are a beautiful person Yonderly....I hope so much that you believe me....because you are....be gentle on yourself lovely Yonderly....and please talk here anytime you feel up to...We are here to help support you the best way we can..

My kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy..

[Knuckleberry_Poe]

Hi Yonderly. I'm new here but what you posted resonated with me.
I too suffered the trauma of being victim to different assaults, by different people. Some was very minor to begin but got progressively worse as I got older until at 21. I hope you are getting the help that you need.


Huckleberry

[GimZim]

Hey Yonderly

First, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. If you get into those dark thoughts about it being your fault, it's good to practice self-compassion, that's how I've coped with it myself. "If this happened to someone else, if someone told me this story, how would I feel about them?". I used to feel so ashamed and so guilty about the things that have happened to me (I had the same freeze response the second time I was sexually assaulted). I still feel like that a lot of the time, but finally there's anger there too.

Anger sounds bad and it really can be but sometimes it's what you need, something to drive you to form boundaries that keep you safe, emotionally or physically. You aren't a bad person for placing those boundaries, it's terrible anyone has guilted you over that choice or pushed back on it at all, I'm so sorry they have. I'm sorry about you losing your mother too.

Take care of yourself, I'm wishing you well.