(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

[Croix]

Dear All~

This post involves putting down animals - please no not read if you think it might upset you.

I'm writing this account in part to because I feel I need to in order to fully accept it, partly so others with PTSD can see what can happen in the future - and perhaps take encouragement. Flashbacks that were much closer in time to the original event were for me overwhelming in many ways. This is a new one, not experienced before and milder. The subject matter may seem silly or trivial to some.

My wife is in the next room.

I used to be a policeman. These events happen around 1980 and whilst I have been able to refer to them in conversation it has always been in a clinical fashion. In the last couple of weeks they have suddenly become 'real' with several occasions where I was fully back there.

One of my duties was to be on-call after hours. At that time the local railway fell in my jurisdiction. On two separate occasions I was rung up
by the public saying that there were injured sheep on the tracks.

On each occasion I went to the area involved, wearing old clothes and located them. Some were in a very bad way, and since I had no possibility of quickly calling a vet I had to put them down. In each case they had been there some time.

To do this I had to use my service revolver and stop to reload before completing the task. I then went home, showered and changed and my wife rang the railways to clear the track.

This is surprisingly hard for me to say. The memory is crystal clear in my mind with sounds and other sensory input, however I will not give any more details, they are not really suitable.

I'm not flashing back, so I guess I'm improving. I am crying.

[Croix]

Dear TBella~

I don't know what to say. Thank you written in plain text on a small screen seem so little.

You do experience similar and I suppose it was to you as well as the others who have this condition that I wrote - well in part. Mostly I guess it was just for me.

I wanted others to know that the well known phrase 'time heals' has a grain of truth in it, at least as far as this experience goes, for me.

I talked to my psychiatrist about the matter -a difficult conversation. I could have used some of Dottie's tissues:)

Anyway he seemed to feel being in the Forum has lessened my internal defenses to the level where some part of me thinks it is ready to cope with matters securely locked away. As I mentioned elsewhere he is pleased and encouraging.

As for crying. I don't mind that much. It is a very different sensation to the one I had all those years ago. This is gentle. I'll look up Isak Dinesen.

Your care is a help

Croix

[TBella]

Please take care of yourself!

Be kind to yourself, do something nice to nurture your soul today.

Happy to listen anytime. We here have got your back Croix.

😊

TBella

[dueb]

hi croix.

i don't know what to wright.

good on you for sharing,good thinking for posting here,i am very happy to have met you.

tony

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

You don't have to write anything, I enjoy and benefit from posts in your thread, that's plenty.

Thank you for your care.

Croix

[Starwolf]

Dear Croix, as you know I have been working with animals all my life. My heart naturally goes out to you.

In rescue, in particular, one must deal with euthanasia on a regular basis. I know when I take on one animal for rehab that my choice condemns others to certain death. The mind knows it is what must happen. There's just too many dumped animals and not enough potential good owners.

But the sensitive heart has trouble reconciling with this reality. This mind Vs heart battle is the hardest part of my work, one I never could reconcile with.

I guess those sheep you had to shoot needed to be put out of their misery so you did them a favour. It must have taken guts. You did the right thing by them. Sometimes, killing becomes an act of kindness. Some people can do it without a second thought. Others find it traumatic.

I once was in charge of horse stables. Many horses there belonged to the national Stud and were there because they needed 1 on 1 attention, a difficult lot with varied issues. So we kept a gun on the premises. One of them had a fall that broke his neck. Nothing could be done about it without the FNS's approval. The right person to give it was "not available". No vet would budge without it. So I shot him (and paid the price afterwards). I loved that horse. Anger with management helped get through with it. It was done for the right reason and the mind knew and accepted that -from my perspective- there was no other option. But it didn't go down well at all. Nearly 40 years later, it is still an unpleasant aftertaste. No, I didn't get PTSD because of it but I can easily understand how having to take life can affect a sensitive soul this way. Some of us have this inborn respect for Life, no matter what form it takes.

It has made my life difficult on countless occasions but I still wouldn't change it.

Sometimes, a dreadful action must be taken and we happen to be the one to take it. Thank you Croix for finding the courage to be this person.

Well done for finding the courage to put it out there and share it with us.

[White_Rose]

Hello Croix

I too am sad for you. To experience an event of that nature is bad enough, but to relive it one or more times in your mind is really dreadful. When I clicked on your post I had no expectation of feeling anything except sorrow for you. And I do feel for you.

Over the years I have had many animals, usually pets, in my life. I am happy to say the majority died naturally of old age, though one was a snake bite. These were all sad occasions for me and the family, but not traumatic. Sadly I have just remembered the death of one of my dogs. No I'm not going to describe it, it's too horrible. But it was disturbing and cruel and now I am joining you in your tears. What is this feeling of pain that allows us to mourn the deaths of animals and be horrified and overwhelmed by unkindness to the helpless.

I wish I could have an answer. I am pleased however that you feel writing here has helped you. It is a safe place to set free all those times of sadness and pain that we have carried for so long.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Starwolf~

I guess I'm your debt. Relating your story about putting the horse down will have raised a load of horrible memories. I'm so sorry you had to do that.

It's funny in that we have a couple of parallels. I did not have 'official approval' to discharge my firearm and this ended up with matters being passed right up to the very top. Eventually my actions were deemed proper so, apart from waiting, I did not pay any price about that.

As for anger, yes I had a lot after the time, but not during. This was directed towards the driver and guard (yes they had a guard in those days) who were well aware of what was happened but failed to take any action whatsoever. That matter was never resolved. I did not push hard enough. Now apart from blaming myself for not pushing harder I'm just sad, no anger left.

Going to the second occurrence some time later was more difficult, I knew what to expect. I remember being glad there were less that time. I was really angry the next day, when I contacted the appropriate authority I could not stop my voice shaking. Maybe things were disregarded because of that, I don't really know.

Everything has some right to life and senseless suffering is a terrible thing when it can easily be curtailed.

There is more for me, as the actual use of my service firearm made me think of its primary purpose in a way that I had never thought of before, that's not going to leave, if anything it looms larger as I get older.

Thank you Starwolf

Croix

[Starwolf]

What is this feeling of pain that allows us to mourn the deaths of animals an be horrified and overwhelmed by unkindness to the helpless

Mary, this thought is shared by other great minds.

"I hold that the more helpless a creature, the more entitled it is to protection by man from the cruelty of man".

Mahatma Gandhi

[Croix]

Dear Mary~

I'm a bit ovewhelmed, I"ll write late

C

[White_Rose]

Hello Starwolf

Thank you for the quote and thank you even more for saying this thought is shared by other great minds.

Mary