Trauma triggers in my intro re suicide

[pippab1]

Hi

i just want someone to chat to when i feel this nothing feeling. Disasociated i guess. i can't think, i can't make decisions very well.

i found my 16 year old deceased. The memories and triggers don't stop for long and always hard to know what will come next.

i feel guilty about her suicide and guilty about failing to save her. 

Sorry that is just one amongst a world of pain and regret. i recognise the importance of staying alive for my adult son and try for myself as well.

i hate these lost blank periods almost as much as the flashbacks and nightmares. Does anybody else get this?

i do get psych help and no longer drink cos i needed oblivion so much but it was screwing up me and my son. So prescription only for the PTSD.

Wish someone would just take my hand and walk me and my dog around safely. No thinking, just walking or other excercise. i know it helps but my motivation to get myself to the gym is zero.

pip

[Idkme]

Hi Pip,

i am so incredibly sad for your loss. That is any mother’s worst nightmare and no mother (or parent or sibling or friend or family) should ever have to endure such a thing. The worst bit is all the unanswered questions that will never be answered.

It sounds like you have taken some effort already in piecing the bits back to your life. It’s to be expected that things will be hard and that sometimes there will be regression and all the other symptoms of ptsd. Allow yourself the permission to feel that way.

How strong and brave you are to escape the alcohol. it’s not easy to make that stand and find the motivation to commit, well done.

Keep reaching out and keep talking about things. There’s no point bottling it all up. We are here to listen and I can hold your hand virtually 🤝. (I can’t help with the gym thing because I have my own problem getting there, lol).

anyway. Thanks for sharing and feel free to talk some more if it helps. Maybe express some things that have helped and maybe some blockers so others who read might also connect with what youve written.

[Croix]

Dear Pip~

Welcome here, I'm sad it has happened to you and while at the moment theses words will not penetrate, maybe later. Keeping someone alive is a team effort with doctors, the people in her life, and your daughter herself all having a part to play - it can never be just down to you. If your are like most people the guilt is totally misplaced and undeserved. Human nature supplies this guilt, I don't know why, but it is wrong.

A person wanting to kill themselves is so outside our normal experience there is no real way of predicting it, and often there are no signs to pick up anyway.

I've lived with PTSD, and the accompanying anxiety and bouts of depression for a long time - they were caused by entirely different circumstances and in the process I've learned more about my self and my abilities to cope. Being overtaken by past events, nightmares, preoccupation, seemingly spontaneous or triggered by things can be planned for - a bit.

One page does talk sense, at last to me:

https://www.sane.org/the-sane-blog/managing-symptoms/coping-with-flashbacks

May I ask if you have someone in your life, a partner or family member or freind to lend you care and support? Trying on you own is hard. Perhaps your son, who while he may well feel things as deeply can gain comfort in helping. Talk is helping.

As PamelaR says giving up the potential relief of drink is a great thing, showing strenght and wisdom.

It may sound inappropriate or silly, but you need and owe yourself something to try to take your mind away from the harsh side of life. Just a few minutes a day, an oasis to look forward to. You mentioned walking the dog, or going to the gym. If you find it seem irrelevant at the time or all too much can you get someone else to accompany you, or even just prompt you?I used -and still use - books.

Dogs can be great motivators, particularly if the walk has fresh sensations. I've limited mobility but recently changed my short walk with partner and Foxy Dog from up the street to a riverside. I have to drive to get there but the scene gives us both pleasure (and the ducks too when I remember the stale bread).

Life has dealt you an enormous blow, please be patient, it gets more manageable, then in time other things come into life too. I'm quite happy now and live a life where past events are mostly just shadows.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix