This might be a lil lengthy
I’m 24 years old, female, and as I write this I’m currently 74 days sober (2 months 13 days), and before this I had been consuming alcohol and weed (especially weed) to deal with my issues.
Roughly 2 months ago I came to the realisation that I was smoking cause I needed to but rather out of habit. So here I am 2 months later.
I started smoking initially because when I was roughly 18, I was sexually assaulted (R*** first experience to sex- and that’s how it went down), when I was 20 I was sexually assaulted again (R***), when I was 20 I was assaulted, When I was 22 I was assaulted , when I was 23 I was sexually assaulted (R***).
The first time it happened I ended up in hospital, police came to interview me but realise “there wasn’t enough evidence to proceed with a R*** Kit” - people around me found out quickly and was labeled a liar, attention seeker those were the soft blows. Family, friends…. My mom broke my heart the most the things she said to me whilst I was lying in hospital… I was alone. Second time it happened I told 2 close friends who were there for me. The other times it happened I kept it to myself.
Years later with the help of weed, a lot of it - I was able to live a manageable life- if I thought about it I’d smoke, so it happened quite a lot. And drank a lot but smoking was my vice.
Last year the new got out about the second guy and what he had done to me and because he was part of the friendship circle I was in, everyone including the girls that I’d been close with ( mind u we’d known each other longer and we were closer than them and that guy) they all turned their backs on me and called me a liar and all sorts of thing- my cousin (who was my best friend ever) was sleeping with him (mind u she was one of the two friends I had spoken to… she held me as I cried…and all that time they were sleeping together). Anyways when the new broke this man started to harass me, asking these so-called friends of mine where a lived, sent threading videos, sending videos of my house saying he knew where I lived, sent a bounty after me saying he will kill me or get me killed. It was a lot. I had to move. Moving in with my “aunty” (one of my friend’s mom) she took me in she didn’t really know what was happening… now this friends mom that I had moved in w went on holiday and when she was on holiday we briefly spoke about the assault she said she believed me and she had my back. Long story short she didn’t, she was using me for information.
Me and my old friendship group ended ip at a cookout even last year and whilst I was there the mate who’s family I was staying with had just got back so we went together- and argument broke out between me and the other girls about the situation and then I left after a while… whilst on my way home this mate of my calls the guy and tells him where I am… I went together her house packed my stuff explained to her mom briefly and then left. I didn’t feel safe.
Fast forward to now, I’m in my own space, trying this healing and sobriety thing and ITS HARD!!! I’ve been consuming substance for 3 years + and now by Gods grace I’m 2 months sober, everything I’ve been suppressing is coming back up and it’s hard to deal with so I just push it down. Forgiveness has been in my head, but how do you forgive people who aren’t sorry. And yes I know for the most part forgiveness is for you rather than them, but still. I’m struggling!!! Hopefully most of that made sense. But just to summarise I need help with forgiveness and dealing with all of this sober.
