The aftermath of abuse just doesn't go away.

[CaramelCrisp]

It has been about a year since it happened. Although it was months later I truly understood what had happened to me. And I think its only now i confidently call it what it is. Unfortunately that meant I kept my abuser in my life for months and I think I've lost about everything because of it.

The thing I really need to get off my chest right now is that my abuser came back to a university club and been elected to the council of it now, and I am also on the council. And I want to resign because I never want to hear her voice again but I don't want to resign to give her power over me again. Even though I functionally am leaving that space anyway, its not like she can do anything with that power. In fact except for have me leave that space.

Its probably a bad idea to post to all the admins "I should not be on a council with my rapist so I resign" but thats really how I want to do it. A few people in the club know what happened to me, but most of them dont and I guess think she's fine, and it's my word against hers anyway. Only witness to one instance of her manipulation would be considered biased and... yeah.

[CaramelCrisp]

Thank you both for your responses. As always, it means a lot.

Do need to remember to take both my psychology appointments and my general steps forward at my pace. Do hope I can make it to uni again this week, but these past few days I've been feeling a lot and I've spent most of the time today just relaxing because that's wearing on me. We'll see where I'm at in a few days.

That does help mmMeKitty. While in my case she did ask me about my thoughts, I do still find your words very helpful for two reasons. First, we've talked in the past about being mindful of my feelings and accepting them, and while I'm certainly better at doing that than I was and have felt benefits from it, I am also still learning. Also, the way you describe being mindful with the feelings does echo and help me understand the process the psychologist described to notice my thoughts, to be a "neutral observer".

I certainly agree that it can be quite calming and helpful to name those feelings, absolutely helped me get through it and glad to hear it helped you too

Thanks again, Caramel Crisp

[smallwolf]

hi CaramelCrisp.

I have be reading the exchange between yourself and mmkitty and the mention of being mindful. there is a thread on the forums here about mindfulness if you are interested.

In relation to the matter a Uni, have you spoken with your psychologist about this? Prehaps you are not ready yet? As for what actions to the take you may find a way of moving forward. That might involve reporting to the authorities about what happened. I can imagine it might be difficult to report what happened. You also deserve some justice as well.

Listening to you.

[mmMekitty]

Hi CaramelCrisp & Smallwolf, & everyone,

Since I haven't attended uni I tend to forget how there may be help there, too, so thank you, Smallwolf, for the advice. I think that could be a really good idea.

I'm glad my description of the way I try to focus my attention when I'm feeling anxious & panicky, was helpful. The first time I heard about it, was a former Psychiatrist, who said 'just sit with it' & I didn't know what he was on about. & he said to 'let the feelings be' & still I didn't grasp what he meant. He never went through a description with me, simply expecting if he repeated the same words I'd get it one day... he made me feel so awful doing things like that.

My PDr now will rephrase & also ask me to tell him what I heard, & will explain more if it seems I don't understand. It feels much better, except I feel anxious when telling what I thought he said -in case I have it totally wrong, or so I imagine.

*

Just reading back, & it occurs to me that: how after an attack our way of protecting our most vulnerable self, who has been injured so terribly, we need to retreat, repair & regroup.. & the blanket 'not trust anyone', & including, no-one can rely on my judgement, would seem to imply 'we made a mistake - our fault', when that's not so. The attacker/s is at fault. The attacker/s attacked you - not the other way round.

You probably won't believe how long it has taken to get that through my head! I'd like to tell my PDr, but there is every likelihood I will forget mentioning it here. 😼But I know it! I know it!

Yes, I know it!😺& you will too. I only hope it won't take you so long.

You wanted a friend - is that a fault?

mmmMekitty

[CaramelCrisp]

Hi smallwolf, thank you for the reply. I will be sure to give the mindfulness boards a look, i wonder if someone else mentioned them or if I saw them when I first looked at the forum but well I'm all over the place so whether this is new information or a reminder I appreciate it. I think it was briefly mentioned to my psychologist, but the focus wasn't on my ability to cope with uni. And having a bigger conversation about that might be an idea. Going to have longer sessions in future so will be able to talk about more, last two sessions definitely felt like they ended too soon. Speaking of, very nervous about going to uni tomorrow. Once I finish writing this I need to try and calm myself and sleep.

I'm not sure about reporting... it's been over a year, and even if I had reported it the moment I left their house it would have been my word against theirs. And I know they were trying to make me out to be an abuser to whoever would listen even as they were in my dms trying to "reconcile" with me. I mean, if my psychologist wants to have that conversation sure. I wish I felt that I could do that and not just make things worse for myself.

Hi again mmmMekitty, I'm sorry about your former psychiatrist. They're supposed to help you and should not have been making you feel awful. Glad you've found a PDr who works with you now to support you. I hope they continue to be supportive. And I get the feeling of worrying about being wrong, I struggle with that too depending on the people/situation.

I'm glad you know that. However long it took you, it's a powerful thing for you to have been able to reach. One day I'll fully believe that. I appreciate you saying it too, helps a lot.

Wanting a friend is no fault. Retreating and repairing is not my fault. I.. think it's going to take longer to believe the second statement for all the people who have faulted me that. But part of me thinks that makes sense

Thank you both, CaramelCrisp

[CaramelCrisp]

started this conversation with my psychologist. Im glad to have done that now. Talked about uni too. Both very helpful things. Will see them again soon. Got some more good techniques, and further advice on some I was already using

My parents are yelling at each other again. I miss feeling safe, and the people who helped me feel safe even when I wasn't. I felt so horrible by the time I got off the bus after the appointment, even more than the last few time's ive been out the house. So sure I was going to faint, or be sick, or both. Still got a lot of tension in the back of my head. I mean, all of that's why I'm seeing the psychologist but yeah. Wanted to mention it.

[Bob_22]

Hi CaramelCrisp,

Thanks for posting and updating us! It's great to hear that your longer sessions with your psychologist are becoming more constructive and that you've opened up a bit as well.

Sorry to hear about your trip back from your session though. I hope the conflict at home improves or that you can find a way with your psychologist to address the symptoms you have. Its tough not having somewhere you can feel completely safe but hopefully you're able to find comfort within yourself with some of the techniques you're starting to discuss.

[mmMekitty]

Hi CaramelCrisp,

Good to hear from you, especially about how well you have done speaking to your Psychologist. It feels so good when we realise we can talk to someone, I hope you can build on this beginning.

It's important to stop & breathe, & think about what you need to to, even as you are going home, & you feel the tension, that sick feeling & you are very aware of why it's happening: going home & that place isn't a place where you feel secure & safe.

I have to admit, I never worked out what to do about that feeling. All I did was to wait until I could leave home. I had thought I could stop myself from feeling so much by then, it was only a matter of time before I could leave home...figuring out how to do that.

I realise, your circumstances are quite different to when I was young. Leaving home may not be an option at all, yet.

I expect you will do better than I did. You've got help, working with your Psychologist like you are, for one... & your uni studies are an important undertaking, something you can work towards achieving, too.

I can't think of much else to say right now. (It's already getting late & I need to stop)

Pleasant dreams,

Warmly, ❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[CaramelCrisp]

Hi Bob, Hi mmMekitty. Thank you both for your replies

words are hard right now so I think I'll keep it short but yeah, I'm doing my best to be the person who can support me. And, I don't know how or when to get out of here, since the plan was to move in with friends who aren't friends anymore and i'm not sure if I'm in a place to do it on my own. Eventually though. I appreciate the kind words a lot ❤️

All the best, Caramel

[mmMekitty]

Hi CaramelCrisp. Sounds like you could do with some more❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

& I hope you get a decent night's sleep.

mmMekitty