Ten years of PTSD and more.

[Pinkicorn]

Hello everyone,

I've been sitting on this for a while now, debating with myself if I should make a thread on this forum, and I've finally decided that I want to share my story. I know these posts are limited to 2500 characters so I will do my best to keep this simple, yet honest.

• When I was a teenager I was gang r*ped in my own house by four acquaintances- they were never charged.

• My family is very unsupportive, and I can't hold a job, or stay in Uni/TAFE. I run away from anything that scares me.

• I've lost all of my friends, except three. One is my half sister, another lives in America, and the last is my fiancé.

• I have been fighting depression, suicide, and anxiety since I was twelve and everything else (PTSD, Binge eating Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder) since I was seventeen.

• I'm terrified of my uncle, and sometimes my mum. They're both abusive in their own way. My dad is the absent father. My two older sisters are terrible secret keepers, and the youngest of the two is admittedly my mums favourite. The eldest no longer talks to me. I feel like a stranger in my own home.

• Shopping is therapeutic to me which is bad since I am trying to save to move house and fund my own wedding.

• Most days I find myself...Sitting or laying in bed watching things, or just laying there staring out the window, I reflect on my life and how much I'm a failure.

Thing is, I've been fighting for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be normal. I've seen so many psychologists and counsellors that it's all lost meaning to me. However, I'm still trying, still fighting. I want to start a new chapter, even if it takes another ten years worth of pages and fighting. I don't believe my mind will ever get better, but I want a future where I'm happy and free...and I'm going to keep fighting for it.

[Croix]

Dear Pinkicorn~

Many people are in two minds about posting here for the first time. One can wonder beforehand if it will do any good.

One the whole it is a pretty good move as it opens up the possibility of others having had similar experiences and lets them talk and say how they got on.

First thing I have to say - after welcoming you here of course - is that you set out a clear picture of your life and how things are for you. As someone who has had PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression over many years and been suicidal I can understand you wondering if your mind will ever get better.

I can only answer from my own experience which is that while I'm not completely cured I am in a life streets removed from how I was. I'm active, hold down a position which is interesting, have accomplishments, a feeling - most often - of self worth. I am loved and am capable of returning love and caring for someone.

The reason I said all that is to give you some idea of the possibilities that most likely will be yours too. One of the main differences between us is that not only did the causes of my illness, my occupation, stop but my life was without confrontation and resulting stress from then on.

You don't sound so lucky at the moment. With an uncle and mother who are abusive and whom you fear, plus living an a generally unsupportive environment. The fact that your assailants were never brought to justice is a soul-destroying thing, leaving you, I would imagine, in a sort of limbo without even the acknowledgement of being a formal victim of crime.

The fact that there are three people for you, even if one is far away, is absolute gold. I would not be here talking to you if I had not had both medical and personal support. When I became ill my wife shouldered a lot of my burden and made a real long-term difference.

It's easy to judge oneself a failure. I did. It is also not fair to do so. Just having survived until now is a show of strength. I studied, and found it difficult, concentration not good. It took me longer than standard but I got there. When things are right I'm sure you will succeed.

Look, I really haven’t said much in this post, however I wanted to let you know two things, firstly you have come to a welcoming and understanding place and secondly that there people here whose experiences you can draw on

Croix

[Siggi]

Hi Pinkicorn

Firstly you are not a failure but you are a SURVIVOR. You survived that terrible experience which was your first victory.

There is no " normal ". You can create a life that suits you and makes you happy but if you always compare yourself to others you are guaranteed to be miserable.

Realistically no one feels happy, fulfilled and satisfied with their life 100% of the time, so don't expect that for yourself either. Instead aim for contentment most of the time, and accept that the bad times will happen but will also pass. Consider formulating your own management plan for the bad times, ie, 3 top people to phone, favourite treat food available, a warm bath, Rescue remedy drops at hand, somewhere beautiful in nature nearby to go to, etc, etc

If therapy hasn't helped it is possible that you haven't found the right therapist. Through Victims services you can apply for free counselling and they have lists of specially trained trauma informed counsellors that you can choose yourself. This is what I did with huge success

About your family, this sounds harsh BUT you may need to consider cutting some ties if certain people scare, threaten or abuse you. A small trusted circle of loving people, related or not, is better for you than maintaining ties out of a sense of duty. You might first try a short break from someone and see how that feels for you. It doesn't have to be permanent but that should be up to you

Shopping is fun but brings short term euphoria like sugar or drugs. Consider budget shopping online and in op shops which can still be satisfying when you find a bargain ! If you think that this is an addictive behaviour therapy will help and there are free government services that will help with budgets and money management.

Dont put any more pressure on yourself about your wedding. Delay if you have to, its all up to you after all. And again why not aim for a gorgeous and unique wedding on a budget. Lots of very hip young couples are doing that now. Again don't compare to what other people are spending. A small unique ceremony can be more meaningful for you and your loved ones as you make it exactly the day that you want

When you feel anxious it is easy for every little thing to overwhelm you. Make a daily list of things to do that day or even that week. Start how you mean to go on in your relationship by sharing the daily tasks, forming a real partnership

You are here, alive and well. That is your greatest success. And, you are not alone. ❤️