Surviving sexual abuse

[private24]

Hi I've never done this before but I'm so lost in what to do, I'm under the age of 16. When I was six I was sexually assaulted by a family relative for an ongoing two years and whilst that was happening my father was abusing me for 10 years. I was told I have a photogenic memory but I can't remember the important parts of everything that happened. I told the police whatevert I could remember but that made it worse. I'm living with bullying at the moment at school and I've been absolutely kicked to the curb. I feel as there is nothing left anymore. It has been so hard writing this. I haven't been sleeping and I have had multiple flash backs from that night and is it possible for PTSD??

[white knight]

Hi private24

I just wanted to say that even though this forum is anonymous, I'm really proud of you for posting. I'll see if I can get some members to reply here.

Cheers. Tony WK

[kanga_brumby]

Private 24 welcome to beyond blue. I would suggest counseling as soon as possible. You dont need at any stage in life bullying. Especially after coming out of being molested. Who did the molesting doesn't matter. I am glad you have told the police well done, exactly what you should have done. There are better people, more qualified than me. But you have my support.

Kanga.

[MarkJT]

private, what i want to tell you is that i have so much respect for you. For someone of such a young age, to come on here and post what you did takes enourmous courage. That is simply brilliant. You are so obviously chocked full of courage and resilience to get through what you have, you are awesome.

Those people that are bullying you, they have nothing on you. You are tough, never forget that.

I cannot relate directly to what you have experienced but I was hospitalised in 2013 with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I used to suffer horrific nightmares and flashbacks but i don't anymore. The point of this story, you can recover and the first step is get to the GP and you could well be referred to a psych. That is okay - there is no difference to you being referred to a physio by the GP for a physical injury.

You may be diagnosed with PTSD, I do not know as I am not a psych, but this is your first point of call. Please do that as soon as you can.

In the meantime, jump on your phone and download "Smiling Mind". It is a mindfulness app and it would be great if you could start practicing mindfulness. It will help ground you.

Again, so much respect for you and your post.

Would love to hear back and see how you are going.

Cheers

Mark.

[White_Rose]

Dear Private

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue.I am very pleased you found your way here where you can write about anything and it will stay anonymous. I admire your courage to tell us about the dreadful things you have endured and for trusting us to help you.

I have not been through that dreadful experience but I can imagine the pain and terror you must have felt and I want to give you the biggest hug possible if it will help. To read your story made me cry a little for your lost childhood and I expect, your loss of trust in others.

The best help for you is to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Did the police suggest this? May I ask, where do you live now? I don't mean your address, but who you live with. Do you have someone to comfort and support you? This is your greatest need at the moment I feel. Think, if you can, that I am reaching through my computer to hold your hand.

Can you see your GP and ask for a referral to a psych. This is so important for your future well-being and immediate importance to help you manage the flashbacks. I'm not an expert on this so I can only tell you what I do. The images burst on you without any warning and you feel frozen, unable to move. Do you have something you enjoy doing? Or better yet, a number of things. Can you go and do one of these things and put your concentration there.

Does your school know you are being bullied? Who do you trust to report this to? I know it's hard for you and you have already shown how courageous you are. Can you raise your courage to ask for help here.

I feel so frustrated I cannot help you more. All I can do is write. Please know that all of us here on Beyond Blue care very much about you and offer our support. Keep writing in as I believe it will help you to talk about your self and your experiences.

With love from Mary

[Dr_Kim]

Dear Private, 

You are really strong for reaching out to us. You are taking the first steps of a long journey to getting beyond your experiences and learning to file them in a place in your brain where they they can’t hurt you as much.

Just to address a couple of things from your post:

Firstly , you mention  that your exact recall of events is sketchy even though you usually have a good memory. We know that when under extreme stress, the brain doesn’t do a good job of laying down memory. It goes into “fight, flight or freeze” mode where its main focus is just staying alive, so it just powers down to allow you to do things like breathe and keep your vital functions going and if necessary to avoid extreme responses it will also dissociate.

This means that it will allow your mind to kind of drift off into another place so that you don't have to be totally aware of what is happening to you during the time of extreme distress. During times of dissociation, it is very unlikely to lay down memory. Maybe this happened to you? Telling the police may have made things worse because your mind was trying to do a good job of keeping those memories in a locked filing cabinet and the police were asking you to open it up!

The bullying may also be triggering you as it also may evoke that same sense of powerlessness as abuse does. With trauma and PTSD , the filing system of the brain can get confused and somehow file all current events of people being cruel to you or trying to rob you of power in the same “ filing cabinet” as the past events .. and your poor brain reacts as if the past event are happening now ! 

Its kind of a weird filing error that happens. It is not uncommon after trauma/ abuse. It is however treatable! 

Please , please seek help for this. I urge you to now , while you are still young to learn the skills to correct the filing system in your brain so that you are not plagued all your life by this stuff. We can’t unfortunately go back and undo the wrongs of your past, but you can do work at your own pace to come to terms with it and feel like your best self and live a full life in spite of it. 

Often one needs the guidance and support. 

Please see your GP to get a referral to a psychologist with experience in trauma .  Read up on the CASA website about the effects of trauma: http://www.casa.org.au/about-us/

Good luck and keep us informed of your journey!