Stuck

[Anzee]

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

[Anzee]

I feel like I’ve given up. Court went in my favour with the girls last time even after my lawyers tried to talk me out of my proposal, but I still feel completely defeated and broken. I still don’t talk to my friend or DV worker, I have distanced myself from my therapist and am trying to convince myself to do the same to my family worker. We had to move back somewhere I never wanted to live again, a little over a week in and I’ve already had days I have been so triggered that I didn’t know how I was going to pull through. I was in complete trauma mode and was sure I wasn’t going to survive. My therapist was worried about us moving back here because of the history of my mental health decline here but we literally had nowhere else to go so after talking through it all with her she agreed it was the only choice and tried to come up with ways to manage but I had convinced myself that I was completely fine. I’ve been doing this about everything lately, just telling myself and everyone around me that I don’t need support and everything was fine, I feel like I’m an awful person when I’m like this! I say and do awful things, I hate it. Last week I told my therapist what she was doing was stupid and boring. I am just being horrible and I don’t feel like I have control. To add to that the girls and I have to see their dad next week. The girls have to be in the same room as him, so are beside themselves, having nightmares and crying every night. I’ve also been pretending I was totally fine with this too and reassuring the girls they had nothing to be scared of but the other day I had to go to the town he now lives and coming into the town I started having panic attacks, then I saw one of his work trucks and had to pull over because I went into full blown panic like I felt like I was going to faint because I was so dizzy and light headed and couldn’t open my eyes. It was awful and I’ve been having panic attacks since. I had been so good with panic attacks and they were pretty rare these days, like I’d pretty much convinced myself I hadn’t even experienced any trauma. Now I can’t even handle the girls talking about how scared they are to see him because it triggers my fear and I feel terrified and start shaking uncontrollably. I really thought I had gotten past this and I just hate being back to this so much.. I’ve always hated who I am when I’m this triggered, it’s like I’m a different person.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Anzee,

Thank you so much for having the bravery to return and seek support, it takes real strength and courage to make the choices you have made for you and your daughters. Please remember to recognize that and see that it is nothing to be ashamed of, you are not responsible for being in an abusive relationship, you did not choose to be abused. We can see that you have been pulling away from services, but you are not alone and deserve support to get through this difficult adjustment.

We are sorry to hear that you have been struggling with so much and feeling you must stay silent. We encourage you to engage with services to receive counselling and direction to help make positive changes. We understand that this would be difficult due to your living situation adding to your current anxiety and continuous re-traumatization.  

I would encourage you to contact either 1800Respect or Relationships Australia. As the names suggest their services are specified around relationships and aiding those in, or those who have survived unhealthy or abusive relationships and are still trying to heal. Please call 1800Respect on 1800 737 732 or visit their site- Click Here . Alternatively call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or visit their site- Click Here .
 
How this has been affecting your daughters sounds distressing and must feel overwhelming for you. It is heartbreaking to hear what they are experiencing, and we hope that engaging with an age-appropriate support might help. Due to their age, we would encourage you to reach out to Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or Click Here . It’s for those 25 and under or wanting to assist people/ family within those age brackets.

Please also consider Beyond Blue if you would like to talk about your ongoing struggles, we are always here for you. Please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Online Chat 24/7. Please don’t feel you have to do this alone.

Warm Regards,
Sophie M
 

[smallwolf]

saddened to read what you have had to go through in recent times. What you have described some very challenging and stressful. I can only concur with what Sophie_M said.

I see from your post also how much you love and care for your children as well. It also takes a lot of strength to do what you have done and their and your concern and being scared is natural. 

I know that you have your therapist, and wondering if there is anyone else around you that you can talk to? Or perhaps you could write and chat here? 

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I've been away so had not realized what has been happening with you. Others have been talking about your strength - and of course they are quite right, but when oppressed by overwhelming fear or feeling you are not helping your daughters as you think you hould sometimes this talk of strenght seems remote - even someone else.

It's not. We are all a mix, I certainly am, and while I like to think I've reached a stage where the bad things from the past are manageable, sometimes that is not true. I gain comfort - and I would like you to do so too -by remembering I am a mix, and while inside me is the potential to react wiht fear and not do what I think I should, I remember the inside me too is the same person who did do the brave things, did reach a recovery point, did love and protect those I love, did ...

Well, I could go on for ever.

At times it can be very hard to recognize this part of yourself and just concentrate instead on those things you see as shortcomings.

One of the good things about having all the best mixed still inside you is that it will take less time to adjust. OK the house is one big trigger at the moment, as is the sight of his truck - it will not always be so.

You will get though your daughter's nightmares and unhappiness. As I've said before I admire the way you keep on.

Although you talk of driving people away it's not quite true, you get something out of the people here that  care. I'd expect in time you will talk again to your friend.

Life is not static, it changes and we do not always anticipate correctly, somethings it improves lot, as it has for me.

Croix

[Anzee]

I honestly do just feel like an awful person. I just hate myself so much and feel like I’ve turned into some kind of a monster. That’s why I’ve tried so hard to push this friend away because I feel like she deserves so much better. I feel like I’m just this toxic germ that attatches to anyone that gives me the space and then I just suck the soul and life out of them and just turn into this horrible person.