(Safe: in my room listening to music)
How do you even move on from all the things people have told you as a child?
Growing up, my parents weren’t involved in my life. They used to criticise me, say that I’m a bad person, and tell me that I have to do certain things to make them happy.
They didn’t care to understand or show any empathy whenever I did something wrong. Even something as small as not finishing my dinner or breaking a glass would incite a lot of criticism. They’d ask me things like ‘why are you always like this?’ and ‘why can’t you be more careful?’ They’d make me feel like a bad person and that I could never change.
They’d also make me feel like I was responsible for making them happy - like I had to do something in order to please them. If I didn’t do something, like get good grades in class, they’d withhold any form of affection and ask why I didn’t do any better.
And then they tried justifying their abuse, saying that I should be grateful that they at least give me the basic necessities, like food and clothing. They said I shouldn’t feel upset because I could have had it worse, which made me doubt my emotions and feel like they weren’t valid.
It’s not fair my parents broke my self-esteem. They made me believe I deserved to suffer, like I had to keep hurting myself because I didn’t deserve anything good. I’m angry that they made me feel I could never achieve anything no matter how hard I try. I’m sad that I struggle to even move on in life, while everyone else is in uni and getting jobs. I’m sad that I’m stuck cleaning up the mess they made.
Because of them, I never got to have a proper youth. I never got the chance to explore new things or find new people. I kept to myself and pushed people away because I felt no one would ever listen or be there for me. I felt embarrassed for having any emotions, like it was somehow not right to cry whenever my parents abused me. I thought that I was a burden to everyone and that the whole world would be better off without me.
It’s hard to move on from these feelings, let alone talk about them. You keep wanting to talk about these things and ask for help, but then some voice tells you ‘you can’t do it’ and ‘no one would understand.’ And so you give up.
