Spouse of PTSD sufferer

[Bellarosa]

Hi. I'm new to this. Not sure where to start but I've recently separated from my husband who has been diagnosed with PTSD. I tried to support him and get him help but he has resisted. Finally the constant arguments increased to physical abuse and I left for my safety. I feel bad doing this but he also cheated on me and he doesn't understand why I left. I am now feeling extremely lonely and down. Friends have deserted me and my family try to support me. I really don't know what to do and if I did the right thing by leaving him. Worried I've made things worse.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Ultimately it is your decision. There is a lot to consider but values, trust and future happiness,(with a history of cheating and abuse to cope with) is not a good foundation to have.

Cheating is not a condition caused by mental illness.

Google these

Beyondblue Topic your attitude is not a mental illness

Beyondblue Topic who cares for the carer?

Beyondblue Topic the definition of abuse

Beyondblue Topic relationship strife? The peace pipe

All of the above would be beneficial. You only need to read the first post of each thread.

If you decide to stay with him I'd insist on a few basic conditions. You can work that out-your boundaries.

Hope to hear from you.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Bellarosa~

I'm sorry you are in this position, and don't think you have had much choice in the matter. To remain and be physically abused is simply not on.

As someone who has had PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression over many years I can see that anger could well be a major problem, and it has the potential for violence. That is something that worried me deeply at the time -that' I'd lash out. However it never happened, probably because I loved my family, even if I did not realize it (or much of anything) at the time.

Cheating is another matter, I just wanted to be alone, with my mind occupied over and over with past events. No room for extra relationship. Mind you that was just me, maybe others are different.

I don't see how you could have made things worse. Support for a partner is fine, but not when it gets unmanageable, and violence enters the equation.

I honestly believe that for most illnesses, including PTSD, the person has to try to get control and get better -even if their initial efforts are small. Going to the doctor is one such effort, a good start.

This is hard admittedly, as one thing seems to be a general distrust of all, including doctors (I was that way thinking they'd be useless), however it is completely necessary. You said your partner refused. That does not leave you anywhere to go in the relationship.

Perhaps now you have left he might reconsider getting help -what do you think?

I'm glad you have a family to support you, it is a terribly stressful time, and you need to be reminded that you are not the cause, and not to blame. In isolation such misguided thoughts tend to grow and grow.

Do you have any plans for what you want to do next?

Croix

[Bellarosa]

Hi Croix. Thank you for your help and insight. Since I have left my husband he has actually gone to see a doctor about his issues. After 2 sessions he wants me to come home. I'm definitely not ready for that. I'm still frightened of him even though he says he never meant to hurt me mentally or physically (he loves me more than life itself). He didn't know how to handle his mood swings and his thoughts that are always dark. I'm pleased he's getting help but I don't want to go back into a situation where I'm constantly walking on egg shells and having to watch every word or action. I feel so guilty that I can't be there to support him as he has asked me to be there for him. The cheating is still an issue for me as well. He tells me he did it to hurt me because he felt I didn't love him anymore. Without going into detail, I really don't know what more I could have done to show him how much I loved him. He believed I was seeing someone else and had this huge fantasy going on in his mind. I honestly don't know how he came to that conclusion. We've been together for 28 years. As far as my plans, I'm not sure. I have found a place to stay for the next 6 months which is about 30 mins away from him. It's been lonely and stressful being on my own. Lots of tears, anger, frustration and shame. Appreciate your help and honesty.

[Bellarosa]

Hi TonyWK. I will definitely look up the sites you have suggested. Thanks for your help.

[Croix]

Dear Bellarosa~

Thanks for coming back and saying more , it does make things a bit clearer.

Look, I've really only my own experiences to judge by, though from being here I think many others are similar. From what I can see you are doing what is sadly necessary -for both of you.

Let's take anger. I was worried because being disturbed by someone when my mind was in the past 100% made me react with resentment, anger and less control than I'm used to. So I was worried I'd lash out mindlessly and physically hurt my wife. Never happened BUT, on reflection it was a dangerous situation. You do not want to be physically harmed, your trust is already lost.

I'm sure also your partner would not want to live with more violence on his conscience.

The cheating is something else. A partnership is not tit-for-tat. If he felt you were paying attentions elsewhere and he valued you then dealing with it WITH you would be the way to go, talk, counseling, ect. I'm frankly unhappy abut his explanation, even if true it does not reveal care for you.

If by leaving you have prompted him to seek help - great. However 2 sessions is a small start. In my own case it took a lot more to get to a better place. And longer still to become the loving partner I had been before.

"Lots of tears, anger, frustration and shame"

Of course. How could there not be, your world has been turned upside down and a partner of 28 years has violence and infidelity exposed in him. And it seems up to you to deal with it all.

The fact comes across you still care, and perhaps want things to get back how they were. I cannot think of you doing anything better to achieve that than what you are doing.

You are supporting him, partly be emphasizing the crossness of the situation t him, and partly by trying to find out what works. Maybe now is a time of waiting to see what develops - what do you think?

If you have family or freinds, now is the time to lean on them. My wife had her mum, and that made a huge difference to her.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi again,

Yes, Criox made excellent points.

To add one comment to it -

When your husband said he "had an affair because he thought you were" be aware of how some people in some cornered situations will turn blame onto the other party.

Be clear in your mind. You know right from wrong and keep those values.

TonyWK

[Bellarosa]

Hi Croix

What you have said to me in your reply makes complete sense and I feel like a huge weight has lifted. Thank you for understanding. I really felt like no-one could possibly understand what I've been going through. I honestly didn't think I would get any help from anyone as they would surely think I'm making everything up and it couldn't possibly happen. But I was proven wrong. It has taken me a very long time to get the courage to ask for help from anyone. I have always been one to sort things out for myself and keep my emotions well hidden.

My parents are there for me and they now know what has happened, but they just want me to be 100% on my own and to cut my husband out of my life completely. How do you stop caring and loving someone you've been with for so long? Even though he's hurt me deeply I'm not about to go rushing back. After reading your comments and comments of others I now realise I have to look after me for a change and that it's OK to do that. I have always put everyone else first and I've become lost.

I'm going to let my husband care for himself and hopefully he will realise how much I did and do love him.

Once again, thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Bellarosa~

I'm glad it is helping and there is no way you would be disbelieved, it follows -sadly -a pattern that happens from time to time.

I guess I can partly understand your parents. They are of course on your side and want you to be in as good a place as possible, and for them that means the 'quick fix' of 100% separation.

It's not that simple, is it? 28 years is an enormous part of your life, and to simply walk away is not in many people. The fact you are strong enough to decide to stay by yourself despite those feelings - at least for now - shows both strength and wisdom.

I don't know what will happen, any more than you. All I do know is that separation may make him continue his treatment, and will allow you distance so the hurt hopefully will not go deeper.

Seeking help, which you have done, does not always come naturally, and the threat of not being believed or thought selfish or any one of a hundred negative thoughts can make one go it alone.

Here is safe, and you are always welcome

Croix

[grt123]

Hi Bellarosa

You sound like me!! I too left a husband with PTSD and I feel enormous guilt and sadness that I couldn't save him. I feel physically sick to see the decline in his health and appearance since we separated - he's aged 15 years in 12 months. I shouldn't feel bad because no one could have done more to save him than me - but he was defiant. He wanted to be ill because it gave him licence to escape the world. The kids and I were unwelcome reminders of a life he didn't want and he hated us for it. Our lives were never going to get better and it took years for me to work that out. Bellarosa, feeling bad is normal - I still buy my husband things and run errands for him to make myself feel better but nothing on earth would make me go back - if I did I would die. You've just left a marriage - it's normal to feel sad and lost and broken hearted - don't take it as a sign you've done the wrong thing. Having been down that path and knowing how hard that decision would have been, I congratulate you for your strength and courage and promise you that life will get better!