Its funny that you called your post name “ Idontknowwhattowrite” because i actually think you expressed yourself really well.
I really felt your sense of being trapped and fearful and alone.
The things that come through very clearly is that
1. You love your child and want the best for him
2. You have lost faith in parts of the welfare and social service system
3. You know yourself well enough to know that you are not coping and need help.
4. You are going to have to make tough decisions.
You need to be your best healthiest self, both for yourself AND for your son. You say that you "know that my parenting is suffering because my son isn't getting the services he needs “ . So that makes me think that a part of you really knows already that things have to change for his sake even if you can handle sacrificing yourself.
So lets think clearly about what HE needs
1. He needs access to the services he requires to learn and grow.
2. He needs a mum who is healthy and happy and calm.
3. He needs an environment where he feels safe, calm and has consistent needs met.
What do you need ?
1. You need to know your son is getting the best care available
2. You need to know that your son is aware that you love him, care for him and will never desert him but will make sure he has access to what is best for him.
3. You need to look after yourself- both your physical and mental health
4. You need to model to your son a way out of a tough situation. What do you want him to learn ?
So… what are the possible solutions?
I wonder if you can think about trying to JOIN with the best services to aid you and your son instead of thinking about an US and THEM type of experience. I know that is what happened to you in the past. Can you try to think about how you might be able to show just how caring and responsible you are by going to them instead of waiting until they come to you.
Maybe start with your GP. Book a double appointment and maybe discuss with them about getting a referral to get YOURSELF some help in order to be the best mother possible . Most professionals would absolutely applaud that stance and really want to help you with that in any way!
It may be that you need a stint in hospital. If that is the case ( and I hope it isn’t, I hope that with loads of support you can stay at home), so be it . Your son may have to have some temporary care but at least it is not done in a way that feels out of your control. He is older now and hopefully, if he understands that it is for the purpose of getting you well and healthy, then he may very well be on board with it.
I know its hard for you to trust when you feel on of the services in our community were wrong about you and made you feel disrespected. I get that it pushed a raw nerve and it sounds flippant of me to ask you to go against your urge to now not trust ANYBODY in the system . But I think that is what PTSD and anxiety can do our thinking. It can take one situation and make it so our brains think all situations like it are equally scary . The classic case of this is of course returned service people who rightly were terrified in a war zone when there was a loud bang . Back in civilian life, any loud noise can take them back to those same feelings of terror and imminent danger even though they are now safe at home.
I think in some ways your PTSD is similar to these service people after your trauma with the system. You now think that all services are gong to disrespect you, when that may not be the case.
None of us can do everything alone. We need the village to help us. So I suggest you find YOUR village of kind helpers to help you in this difficult journey you are on being a single mum.
Good luck and face your fears, for your son’s sake.
