Scrambled 2.0

[Catie 08]

I've been away from the forums for a while but tonight I felt it right to reconnect.

I've been doing quiet well however I was triggered by a movie I watched and now I feel like I'm back down the rabbit hole.

My childhood abuser passed away some years ago and I regret not feeling able to speak up to the authorities and my family sooner so he could have been made accountable for his actions.  I have recently found out where his wife moved to and feel like I need to take this opportunity to contact her before she also passes.  I know it wasn't her who caused my trauma but she also didnt stop it.  I know I feel the need to contact her but I also don't know what I would say, I just know I would regret not taking the opportunity before it no longer exists.

[Croix]

Dear Catie 08~

Welcome back to the Forum, it's good too see you again, even if the circumstances are not ideal.

From your past posts it looks to me (I'm no expert) that you have healed a great deal from the mental injuries done to you by your childhood experiences. That's not to say yur life is not different and you still have vulnerabilities, as can be seen from that movie.

While it might be a source or regret you did not report this peron to the authorities that is not straightforward and there is only a small chance the person involved would be properly punished. For you the expereince of re-living your past and being treated harshly in court would be very hard to bear -re-traumatizing in fact.

Now with his wife have you asked yourself why you want to contact her? Is it to remind her of her shortcomings and make her feel bad? (Some people never feel bad about their pasts and others spend a lifetime in guilt and regret)

Do you simply get it off your chest feeling anger?

If you do approach her I'd suggest you do what I have done in somewhat similar circumstances in the past and simply state what happened and see what they say, then take it from there.

I think it is important to think about how you will feel depending on the response you get, if any. It may make you feel better, or the opposite, start you reliving the events in your memory, making you feel isolated and worse.

You are welcome to come back and talk more about this

Croix

[Catie 08]

Hi Croix, 

It's great to see a familiar name replying to my post.

I certainly don't want to contact her to make her feel bad, I am looking for some acknowledgement from her that she knew what he was like.  For the most part, I have been believed by my family but to have someone that truly knew him acknowledge that he was the monster he was.... she may never do that but I feel that I would regret not trying to get what I need whilst I still have the opportunity.  

I agree that I should just keep to the facts and see where it goes.  I would be disappointed if there is no acknowledgement but I know I would also be heartbroken if I loose the opportunity to try

[Croix]

Dear Catie 08~

Having your experiences acknowledged and believed is probably one of the most important things in your healing, particularly by others than family.

You are right of course that this opportunity will not be htere for ever, as people come towards the end of their lives what is important can become clearer, so this wife may be able to see what happend wihtout having to try to deny it.

I think you are wise to take the risk, even though it could lead either to affirmation or disappointment.

To have the knowledge you did not try might be worse.

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

Thanks for sharing this... it really means something that you’ve come back to reconnect and especially when things are feeling tough again. I’m sorry to read that you’re going through this pain after things had been going okay for a while. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to feel like you’re being dragged back down.

What you said about your childhood abuser passing, and the regret of not being able to speak up sooner... that’s such a heavy, complicated thing to carry.

And while I can’t tell you what you should do... that’s completely your call... I will say this: if reaching out to her feels like it might help- there’s no right or perfect way to deal with something this deep.

But I can say this - the fact that you’ve opened up here says a lot about your strength and self-awareness.

Listening

[IamMine]

Hi Catie,
It sounds like there are a number of possibilities for how she might respond, and that you're being very thoughtful about whether to and how to approach this. 

A few of those possibilities are that she might acknowledge his abusive nature, and either a) express that she was aware of that at the time it occurred, and regret that she didn't protect you; b) express that she was aware of that at the time it occurred, and make excuses or give reasons why she didn't protect you; or c) express that while she now acknowledges his abusive nature, she wasn't aware of it at the time.
I'd gently encourage you, if you haven't already, to consider how you'll feel if she responds in those ways, particularly if she doesn't express regret or acknowledgement for her failure to have acted protectively toward you.