Realization, affected by family abuse

[KaraArtist]

Hi,

Some of you may have seen me post something like this in another thread, I wanted to start the descussion anew in the appropriate forum. Maybe others will have similar experiences to share that I can draw from and vise versa.

Since staying with my sister and being around my immediate family again I have had an epiphany. I think the reason that I cannot shake the black dog, aside from it being likely a lifelong journey, is that it was born of abuse. My mother was emotionally abusive from the day I was born. She was also physically violent for most of my childhood. I already knew this but for some reason thought that I was unaffected because of that knowledge. I have no idea why I thought that but upon further reflection it makes complete sense. It’s the reason that all 4 of us siblings are struggling with varying degrees of depression, anxiety and mental illness. I have spent most of my life lifting the mirror up to my mother so that she can grow and stop the abuse, I was successful in stopping the physical abuse by the time my youngest sister was born but the emotional is harder to see and harder to fix, it continues today and i continue to hold up that mirror. My mother was bused by her father emotionally, physically and sexually. And in turn he was abused by his father. It is a cycle that is beginning to break down as each generation gets better and heals.

I am blown away that I never saw it. I have been on my journey so long I just can’t believe I didn’t put the pieces together. Approching my mental health with this in mind is completely new to me, I've always assumed that I would have mental health issues regardless of my mothers abuse, brothers abuse and family traumas I have endured. But I seem to suddenly see with clear eyes.

Anyone else have a similar story? and how are you dealing with it?

Interesting thoughts

Kara

[Moonstruck]

Dear Mary

Wanted to say how much your reply meant to me. I honestly thought I would get accusations of "burying my grief, being in denial, being an ungrateful daughter" all sorts of things. So thank you for taking it the way it was intended - simply to inform and relate a different experience.

It's amazing actually how perceptive little kids can be....as even at a very young age, about 5 or 6 I think.....when my mother would say things like " I only ever wanted 2 girls...I had my 2 girls and then YOU had to come along!" I was always aware that I was an "accident" at an age regarded as relatively "late in life" for a woman to have a baby (not nowadays though). She never slept with my father ever again after I was born - not even in the same room let alone, the bed. I shared a room with my mother. When she and my Dad had an argument, or he stormed out of the house (he was a very mild tempered, lovely man my father, wonderful to my sons who adored their Grandad)......she would whirl around at me and snarl"Look at what you've done now....it's all YOUR FAULT"

As I was beginning to say....even at that very young age I could tell this was not the way a Mummy should speak to her little girl....even then I "knew" that something was wrong with my mother....this was not "normal". I never could understand why it was MY fault. Now I know of course, my fault for being born.

So why and how do you mourn, or miss a person who made your life extremely unhappy....I never did anyway.

If my mother left any negative legacy for me to live with (which I do recognise) it is my overwhelming need to please others - and fear of abandonment. I don't know what it feels like to be "looked after" or "protected". it's foreign to me. My boys (plus friends I know) can "ring their Mum" and know she's always on their side...for advice, a listening ear, a shoulder, share tears.....whatever! I haven't a clue what that feels like, because I've never had it! Please readers, this is not a call for sympathy, or cry for help....just another person's experience.

[biscotti81]

Yes i can relate to everything.

Moonstruck, I don't have the experience of a mother either and now that I'm a mother myself, I'm trying to learn.

I think we're so brainwashed into believing there's something wrong with us, that we block everything else out.

All the best to you both

[KaraArtist]

Hi Paul.

I think you're spot on there. I had no clue I was doing it. I've been so focused on protecting my siblings growing up, I think I just assumed I was untouched.

Thank you for joining the discussion.

Kara

[KaraArtist]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for sharing. I empathize with your story. I agree that it's good to remember to write these things down, I have many dark diaries in my collection now and I'm keeping it up. My latest book is filled with these thoughts and even a few of my posts from this website, I aim to use it as a tool of memory when I go to my psych. I tend to get emotional and my mind goes blank when confronting these topics.

I have found clarity and comfort in using BB forums, I agree we should all continue to write and reach out to others who can relate.

Baby steps, we will get there

Kara

[KaraArtist]

Welcome Moonstruck

Thank you for sharing. I sense a lot of assumptions that others will judge you. I don't know if this will help you feel more at ease but I like to post on BB with the mindset that I can be as open and honest as I like, no judgment from others and none from me. I have yet to come across any story or any participants who have been anything less than open hearted and accepting. In my experience, you are in a safe place here.

it pains me to admit but I do believe that if my mother were to pass I would grieve but there would also be a sense of a great weight lifted from my life. My grief would be mostly for loved ones who had no idea what she was and only saw her public persona. In my youth I had often fantasizedof her death, life would have been kinder if she had just walked away from us all. I often attempted to get adults to notice our situation in the hopes that someone would take action and remove us from her. She was too good at telling stories and still is. Now that I'm an adult, I cherish people who see through her mask. They remind me that I'm not crazy and her lies are wrong.

I'm so glad to hear that you have broken the cycle of abuse. I'm hopeful that me and my sisters will be successful in doing the same but my brother is unlikely to follow. A good result if you ask me. It's nearly over.

Kara

[Rhes]

Hello to all in this thread. I again find myself so relieved and heartened to read of other people's experiences. It's no easy ride having a bad relationship with ones mother and having other people judge us for distancing ourselves from them is pretty unfair. Without going too far into it, my mother is quite high profile and has her own 'fan club' almost. So whenever I met people who saw through her and her public persona it made me realise I'm not the crazy one around here! (Though still having to be 'loyal' which was conflicting). Thank you Kara for sharing that. And Moon, I really loved the fact that you knew from a child that that's not how mothers should be. I also lived my life like that, the full love/hate relationship from a young age which is too much responsibility for a kid. I read a great blog about narcissistic mothers and should we forgive and forget. The writer was saying, the best thing to do is to forgive ourselves and only that, which I found quite powerful. Frankly I congratulate myself sometimes, I could be making someone else's life hell but I learnt to find myself amongst it all!

Thanks again and love to you all 🙂

[Paul]

Hi Rhes, Hi again everyone,

I read a great book that helped me with quite a few things that Rhes mentioned - narcissistic families. The book discusses how our parent(s) live their emotions through their children and rely on the children for emotional support and getting their own needs met where it should be the opposite. The child survivors of this type of family have to then earn love, approval and attention by satisfying the parent's needs. This in turn leads to the child survivors never developing the ability to recognise their own needs or create strategies to getting them met. A very interesting read. Just having this synopsis sometimes helps us understand the impact and cycle of this type of abuse.

Paul

[KaraArtist]

Hi Rhes, hi Paul

Rhes: thank you for adding your input to this thread. yup I completely relate to having a high profile mother with a 'mask' that a lot of people accept while her true self is narcissistic. Watching people swoon over her and condemn me as a child was heartbreaking. In my adult life, the truth has been leaking out steadily and family members who care for me are shocked and saddened that they were unable to see what she was, I have been told that things would have been very different had they known the severity of what happened behind closed doors. I remind them that what really matters is how they treat me and how they see her now, the past has been and gone, all we can do is support each other in the now.

Paul: Thank you for joining again. What you've written makes so much sense to me. I have struggled to teach myself to remember that I need to look after me even when I have decided to look after another. I often forget my own needs and feel selfish when I try to take any action that brings me joy. My mother always said that I was selfish and it's a label I am still trying to shake. I made a big move recently in that I moved towns for my own sake, to be further away from my mother and other abusive family members and to live in the town I had always wanted to live, I have the life I always wanted minus a few things that are yet to come my way. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. But I am so happy and so much stronger than I was before. And I don't feel the slightest bit selfish.

Cheers

Kara

[Rhes]

Hi Kara,

It's so good to hear that you're living life on your own terms and that you're shaking off that negative programming (selfish....sigh!) .I think it's such a brave thing to do as society really pressures us to be on good terms with our families. My philosophy these days is that the world is so full of amazing people, we can create our own 'families' through friends, particularly those who've survived similar family scenarios. It just makes sense to team up.

You give me hope and make me feel less of an anomaly for choosing to step away from my family. Thanks Kara and stay strong 😊

[Rhes]

Hi Paul, that's great info about the narcissistic parent. It's amazing how reading about this can lessen the pain and emotion through removing oneself from the scene and looking at it as an outside observer. I'm reading a brilliant one at the moment, about self destructive behaviour and why we do it, playing our role in the family politics. So many ah ha moments!