Realization, affected by family abuse

[KaraArtist]

Hi,

Some of you may have seen me post something like this in another thread, I wanted to start the descussion anew in the appropriate forum. Maybe others will have similar experiences to share that I can draw from and vise versa.

Since staying with my sister and being around my immediate family again I have had an epiphany. I think the reason that I cannot shake the black dog, aside from it being likely a lifelong journey, is that it was born of abuse. My mother was emotionally abusive from the day I was born. She was also physically violent for most of my childhood. I already knew this but for some reason thought that I was unaffected because of that knowledge. I have no idea why I thought that but upon further reflection it makes complete sense. It’s the reason that all 4 of us siblings are struggling with varying degrees of depression, anxiety and mental illness. I have spent most of my life lifting the mirror up to my mother so that she can grow and stop the abuse, I was successful in stopping the physical abuse by the time my youngest sister was born but the emotional is harder to see and harder to fix, it continues today and i continue to hold up that mirror. My mother was bused by her father emotionally, physically and sexually. And in turn he was abused by his father. It is a cycle that is beginning to break down as each generation gets better and heals.

I am blown away that I never saw it. I have been on my journey so long I just can’t believe I didn’t put the pieces together. Approching my mental health with this in mind is completely new to me, I've always assumed that I would have mental health issues regardless of my mothers abuse, brothers abuse and family traumas I have endured. But I seem to suddenly see with clear eyes.

Anyone else have a similar story? and how are you dealing with it?

Interesting thoughts

Kara

[Karenh]

Funny of you to post this just now,

I just woke up on the couch with my mother on my mind. Usually I don't think about it too often, I push it to the back of my mind. A tear fell from my eye as I had a flashback of my younger years. She wasn't overly physically abusive, only when she was drunk, which was often and it didn't begin until my early teens.

She has a mouth that cuts like razor blades and a relentless selfishness that knows no bounds.

I had a tough time as a teenager. I had no guidance or rules and found myself falling off the rails. I remember thinking to myself "What's the point? I have no chance in making anything of myself." I had no security, no safe place.

We lost our home, mainly due to her drinking, drug use and inability to hold a job. I couch hopped from the age of 15. I remember longing for a home. It was all I wanted and it felt so far away.

Many years later I sit with my child, I look at her and I cannot reconcile with my mother's actions. How can you be so selfish when it comes to your own children? How can you not try to give them a home and a chance at living? I've put so much energy into being nothing like her. I fixate on it.

She gave up on me. She had nothing left to give and I needed a mother.

Why do we have to mentally suffer for our parents short fallings?

I hope you and your siblings find peace within yourselves. Xx

[Paul]

Hey Kara,

Having an epiphany is a good feeling, especially when it is one that explains where some of the difficult emotions we experience come from.

I had always dismissed the fact that my father leaving when I was 4 had any impact on me. As far as i was concerned he was gone and my step dad who I consider my dad anyway was here and how could anything to do with someone who isn't around affect me. Well...

I started psychotherapy nearly 6 years ago. My epiphany was realising that my father was important to me at that time and the impact must have echoed on. I had what my psychiatrist and I call "The socks moment" I was putting on my socks to go to work and one was inside-out. What I do in this case is put the toe end over my toes and pull it up bit by bit by the sides. I learnt this from.... My father. Lightbulb - he must have been important if I am still doing something I watched him do 34 years ago. That was the beginning of discovering a whole set of emotions that affect how I act and feel.

I hope you continue to break down the layers of emotions and things become easier and clearer. It's not easy, but once we get some insight things open up and emotional reactions are able to be explained and managed.

Take care x

Paul

[KaraArtist]

Hi Karenh,

Thank you for sharing. I can relate to your story and I am glad to hear that you have been successful in breaking the cycle of abuse.

You asked "Why do we have to mentally suffer for our parents short failings?" Although my acceptance of the effect my mothers abuse has had on me is new, I find that it helps me to remember that she was abused herself, knowing this helps me to accept that she is very broken and in my case she has actually tried very hard to be better than her father was. In many ways she did succeed but the abuse was just a lesser form. Was your mother the first in the cycle or was she also abused in her past, so leading your family to what it became?

I too hope that one day all 4 of us will come out of this better people, saner people. but I am afraid for a few of them, my brother for example. He is continuing the cycle of abuse and I don't know if he truly understands the gravity of his actions. I think my sisters will make it but it will be a bumpy road. I know for a fact that i will as I've come so far already.

Kind thoughts

Kara

[KaraArtist]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad to hear that you found some answers and your on the path to healing.

I think when something this big happens we tend to dismiss it, especially as we become adults. It seems illogical to have emotional reactions to something you're very aware of. Personally I have always known what my childhood was and who my mother is today, so in my mind that can't be my issue because I have accepted it. Obviously there is more deep seeded emotional connection there that I was ignoring or just couldn't see.

I hope your continuing to heal and deal with the connections inside yourself.

Be well

Kara

[KaraArtist]

Since I have been staying with my little sister {18} who has become suicidal my mother has been calling me every second day (she is on the other side of the state and my father is also away) asking desperately 'why! why do we have to go through this again!?' Because we have been here before, for me when I was 17 and suicidal and for my brother who attempted suicide at 20. Now the youngest is in a similar frame of mind and mum can't put the pieces together, she blames us all for our own mental health and as you can imagine this does not help at all. I have been consoling everyone and keeping us all as sane as possible. The family turn to me as I was the one who took on the parental roll when my brother attempted suicide, I have actively sought out answers to mental health problems to heal myself, my siblings, and find answers for my parents, I have written a book and there is more to come in fact I will likely study psychology very soon.

So this Q and A has been going on for 2 weeks and the other day I woke up and suddenly it all made sense. I had been trying to keep mum away from my sister because I didn't want her harsh words and abusive behavior to push my sis off the edge {as I often do, put myself between mum and my siblings}. I started to feel drained and hit a depressive episode of my own. Mums stupid words spinning around in my head, dads mistake at leaving my sister alone when I expressed my fears that this would happen, not to mention my brother called to attempt to apologize for his recent heart shattering abuse towards me, and nightmarish flashbacks of my childhood then BAM the pieces came together. To be honest I'm still in shock, how did I not see something so obvious? all of the kids are broken in some form or another, my father, who mum left, is a fragile man and all she does is bad mouth us all to each other, cry because we 'don't love her,' and blame everyone for everything that goes wrong. I think I've been making excuses for mum so long that I blinded myself to a truth I didn't want to see? The cycle of abuse is the reason but it's not an excuse and it doesn't change the fact that these things happened anyway.

I am looking forward to discussion with my psychologist when I get home. It's going to suck but I'm ready to take that next big step towards healing that has been eluding me.

[Paul]

Hi Kara,

It's bittersweet finding an answer that makes things clear.

I think there are at least two reasons the we find it difficult to understand and push away the source of pain from a parent.

The first is obvious - we love them and try to forgive them for their shortcomings. You mentioned a cycle of abuse.

The second isn't so obvious but it's very deeply human. If we push away a source of unconscious protection, our unconscious mind tries to regain that protection and along comes the pain. Unconscious protection can mean many things. The maternal instinct that we feel from our mother, love (as mentioned), a nurturing figure or even a figure we perceived as nurturing until we realise it's not nurturing.

Paul

[White_Rose]

Hello Kara and Karen

Your stories were very moving and I felt quite teary reading them. Yes, that light bulb moment is both a wonderful thing in that suddenly the pieces fall into place, but also sad to realise where our pain originated. Family history of abuse stretching through several generations, is so common unfortunately. At least it helps us to trace the cause and that can help enormously.

In my family my mother was the only girl with three brothers and suffered from the girls don't need an education because they will get married and have children syndrome. Even though she was successful in getting a place in college to study dress design my grandfather made her leave after six weeks and get a job. Mom never really got over this and made sure her daughters got an education. But much of the hurt and bitterness remained over the difference in treatment of her and her brothers. In retrospect I think much of her anger towards her children was sparked by grief. Again recognising the pieces helps me now but I cannot console my mom as she died in 1999.

These things leave a legacy for us to and working through all the shit can take many years. Also working through our own actions, possibly as a result of our childhood, can also bring much pain and a separate set of events to manage. Did someone once say Life wasn't meant to be easy? Once we realise we are all broken in some way it gets a little easier to put the pieces together again. A bit like Humpty Dumpty, although I hope the king's men are little more successful.

One of the processes that helps many people to start managing their hurt is to write down your thoughts. I expect you have heard this many times before but it's worth remembering. I have done this in the past but at the moment I am quite deliberately not writing because I feel I will fall apart. Trying to push everything away or down is not working I know but the thought of voluntarily opening that part of me is quite terrifying. My daughter tells me, baby steps mom, baby steps.

Kara and Karen, thank you very much for your stories. I hope you will continue to write in here.

Mary

[Moonstruck]

Hello to you all - thank you for being so brave in sharing such personal thoughts and experiences about "mother".

This is the first time I've ventured into the "Family, Relationships etc" part of the forum - and feel quite selfish that I haven't offered support to so many here - in case anyone is remotely interested, or if my experience or rather non/experience and memories of a "mother" offer another view, here goes.

Mine died when I was in my early/mid teens - I am a Grandmother now - and I can honestly say I have not missed her, wanted her back, thought of her during traumatic times in my life, needed her, cried for her since that day. My over riding emotion when my sisters and my Dad were told the news at the hospital was one of "relief".....immense relief! My mother hated men and sex, stifled any sign of budding puberty, adolescence, interest in "boys" - wanted to keep her girls in cottonwool - "ladies". Over controlling emotionally to the MAX!

she often said she was glad she didn't have sons- only ever wanted girls as she didn't like males.

I loathed her. If she hadn't died when she did, I would have had to move out, or may have killed her myself. I commented once to a friend "Best thing my mother ever did for me was to die"..."what a dreadful thing to say" they replied.....I was telling the truth. - my truth. The only way I could "be me" and "live my life" was for her to be out of it. My sisters who are quite a bit older than me didn't quite get out from under - they have suffered and lived half-lives ever since. I was lucky, I was freed in time.

I went on to definitely break the cycle. I have two grown sons - they are living full lives to the max and being "who they are" . My relationships with them are extremely close - full of love!

Some may think this post is full of unrecognised angst and unexpressed grief. I assure you it isn't. There isn't and wasn't any grief to repress.

If I've upset anyone here I am sorry. I don't know of anyone else who has felt the same way as I have, in losing a parent....am I the only one I wonder?

[White_Rose]

Hello Moonstruck

Many thanks for your story. There are many people who would not be unhappy at the death of one or other parent and have grown up, to some extent or other, with less than satisfactory parents. I include fathers here as they can cause as much damage in the lives of their children as mothers. The sad part to all of this is that moms are invariably seen as the primary caregivers to children. I have read many posts that describe the loss of a parent, particularly mom, either by death, mom leaving the family, or mom 'not there' for them. Often as children these posters saw other functional families and compared their own situation to that of their friends. That is also loss.

I am pleased for you that the loss of your mom did not impede your own growth and happiness. I guess you had someone else who played the nurturing role when you were a child which enabled you to grow up less harmed than your sisters.

Like you, I am a grandmother. I am horrified whenever I see or read about child abuse in any form, which certainly includes the bullying and control you and others experience. My husband's mom, who I never met because she died before I met him, seems to have been a rather horrible person, from stories told me by my sister-in-law. She refused to attend her mom's funeral and effectively 'lost' her dad at the same time.

It's good to break this cycle of destruction and abuse. I congratulate you on your success with your family. It's great to have children grow up as loving people who pass on their happiness to their children. I feel sad for parents and children of dysfunctional families, struggling to find the sort of contentment we take for granted.

Well I don't want to sound maudlin about the harm done to children in the past. Many of the hurts were inflicted because of the prevailing culture which approved certain actions, such as my mom. How do you mourn your hurts when you do not realise you have been harmed? How do you stop perpetuating the same pain if you have no idea of what's wrong. Well we struggle on in hope we are behaving better than the previous generation and I believe that's, in general, what we do.

Than you so much for your heartening story. I love it when I hear good news.

Mary