Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Jstar49]

Oh no. Blue! Thats so sad about the plumbing bill! And for, effectively, nothing! I mean, sure your toilet works, again. But it worked before, so I guess that doesn't feel real special!

Bugger! I'm so sorry blue.

Yeah, apparently a man's home is his castle (sic)=cops) and whatever goes on within his four fences is ok.....within reason. It seems to be a very grey area.

I can understand you being loathe to personally confront/ask after prev experiences. Thats not good at all. I have this ridiculous notion that most people are reasonable human beings, and given the chance will behave like one. It's being smashed quite a lot lately, that belief. Some ppl are just. not. nice.

Are your neighbours fairly close?

I don't think my church music was all that loud actually. Just considered offensive by most lol. My mum came by that day. She had a laugh- apparently my dad used to do it too with his flatmate who was a noise offender also. It didn't really help, just one of the strategies that I tried when at wits end.

So when you call the cops, don't they come and talk to you? Thats what happened to us, so he knew it was us.

Its awful having stuff like that with neighbours. There needs to be regs about not disturbing other occupants rights to peace and quiet. Unfortunately thats usually only in some apartments or villages- like an over 50's village. Mum's one was quite strict about that at their interview.

I know that feeling, in part! When my thumb was healing, I couldn't even get it to work my phone. It just wouldn't respond. Even gloves work better than that thumb. So weird hey. Good to hear it's healed over and no risk of infection- whew!

Hang in there Blue. One day you'll be looking back on this, having survived it. And maybe it will even look like there was a reason for all this shyte!

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Was thinking of you today with a wry smile.....

Seems like you've won the lotto with your partner, despite all the struggles.

Me? Not struggling so much, with health or money, but....well, lets just say I don't feel like I've won lotto!

I ended up questioning if I believe that we can't have it all. And I do believe that. Seems like theres always a loss.

So, I'm losing in the relationship department ( H is showing some real true colours) and that will possibly result in me losing in the other areas as well! Checking out homes for rent, and wondering if I would get more work if I work more days. And how will things work out for T? IDK.

I just cried. I'm so disappointed.

Can't deal.

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Golden,

Thanks for the solidarity, it counts. You're quite right about exhaustion making it all so hard to bear, some selfish sod robbing is of sleep. It isn't okay. I'm sorry you're struggling with similar troubles, it really sucks.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I don't think I won the lotto. I think I fought my way through fire to find the right person to live out my days with and he found me in a dark place after the abusive ex, the neglectful ex and the adulterer.

I know how you're feeling right now, I've been there three times. The thing is, the only way to get to better days is fighting through the ugly ones, being willing to make the change you need in whatever form that takes. You've got this, and you're not alone with it.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

I've read back of what I missed. Sorry for being MIA - things got rather unmanageable, super sad and stressful for everyone around me. I'll say more on my thread later on.

I'm doing okay. I've been thinking of you and the other members alot.

I read what you wrote about LM. It's kinda hard to reconcile everything we've been through with abusive and horrid exes with the kindness of our partners now, ofcourse we DESERVE them, obviously we had to kiss too many toads lol.

One of the ONLY ways I can put to rest all the horrors I went through in bad marriages and intimate relationships, is to know with 100% certainty that if I DIDN'T then I would never have ever ever EVER met my fiancee.
I needed that other rot like a hole in the head (as we ALL do), but still I know that unless I took every step I took, I would have lived a life without knowing the absolute depth of a true (almost unconditional) love as I've found.

Meeting a remarkable person is SO rare.
You've met each other and for this I take great comfort.
Knowing you have him warms my heart so much I'm getting tears in my eyes. Alright I'll confess I needed a cry lol.

Tears of gratitude that SOME ONE I KNOW and respect so deeply, has a beautiful partner with shared values. Finally!

Okay onto more basest information...how is your plumbing going?
That's another thing that's gone awry here too - SNAP?

Sure, I'm sick of things coming out of left field too.
Last week I definitely had this conversation a few times, tbh I've just accepted that THIS is life.
Things go wrong, it seems like an endless trail of it for sure.... our ability to change tack and find ways of "dealing" is sure put to the test some times lol. It's life!

Thankyou for saying that to me about supporting Alexa. Exactly why I was MIA and have even taken Leave.
Yes indeed she now has her MH referral. She chose a much older Psych, when she saw her picture, Alexa said it looked like she had "lived a life!"... I hope and Pray this psych can support Alexa well.

Love EM

[Guest_4643]

hello all. just quickly popping in to say hi and i'm thinking of you all. just like i did on your thread, EM. take care all.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

As usual, no need for apologies, I know how nuts things are for you at the moment. I don't have half that much and my energy isn't holding up nearly as well, you're doing great.

I know what you mean about reconciling the difference between our current partners and past experiences. Nothing to do with what we deserve, I think, just an observation that very very few people possess the wisdom and kindness that these men do. Humans are painfully slow learners, and many don't take anything from the lessons life gives them at all. It's a pity. But we have, and we deserve the companionship of others who bear the same maturity and decency.

I do sometimes think the same things about having to have walked the path I have to be with LM (and our puffballs). Other days I wonder if that's really true. There's no justifying what we went through, really, just an understanding that life beats us all up in different ways and that's what we got - a disproportionate serve, mind you, but there you go. It's not fair, but it's life, and at least we made meaning from what we went through and used it to be better people. It's not wasted.

Forgive me, I chuckled a little that you got teary over how good my relationship is. It is certainly a worthy thing, and I'm glad you have a good and decent partner too. LM was very sweet tonight. I was stressing out about my creativity faltering in recent years, and after mulling over it for a while he came to tell me how impressed he was with some little stories I came up with for D&D recently, and how as far as he's concerned I'm still very creative and definitely haven't lost it. Sure needed to hear that.

Plumbing is done and paid for. At least it was over with quickly. Not painlessly, $8K is a hell of a blow to the hip pocket. Urgh, you have plumbing problems too? What's happening? Hope it isn't too insanely expensive/difficult to sort out.

Endless trail of things going wrong, for sure. You and I cop well more than our due, in my opinion. Just because we are capable of coming up with solutions doesn't mean we should spend every second of our lives doing it. I object!

Just saying it how I see it. You're doing the right thing, taking leave to be there for Alexa (and everyone else, by the sounds of it from your thread). Fingers crossed things go well with the new psych. Has she had an appointment yet? I've yet to get a new referral, I've dumped my psych, waste of money.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Tayla,

Thanks for stopping in, I appreciate it. Apologies for belated reply, work has knocked the stuffing out of me lately so haven't had the energy to come on the forums much. Hope you're getting along okay. Your new profile pic is cute.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

I like the image of 'fighting thru fire' and battling the odds to get thru to a good place with a good person.

IDK yet if that is with this man, or if my fight will take me away from him and to something totally different. I know I'm really scared of things getting rocky again, MH-wise, becos of instability in my life. I feel like this home, and the garden, and the routine of us supporting each other is worth fighting for, but I have no idea if my efforts will be enough.

I guess the only thing we can be sure of is that we will learn from our experiences.

I'm so glad you found your man, and that you guys have the chance to experience that togetherness. Now, if the bills could just stop for a while....:0

$8k is a lot to spend on non-sexy plumbing! I'm at least picturing gold plating somewhere!

Thanks for the reality check friend. I was feeling a bit maudlin back there I'm afraid.

How's LM doing atm?

Are you still getting extremely tired?

Take care,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Blue

Yes MIA is a constant atm.
It's getting more intense, I can't believe there's room for life to get more intense but it is!

Love to you, LM and our puff balls lol. My new babies are MESSEEE lol but so gorgeous.

Alexa will need complicated surgery and this breaks my heart.
Yes she got in for her 1st psych appt this week as she phoned them distressed and they put her in on a cancellation. The psych applied for the 20 sessions on her MHCP immediately.
This psych is young (which really worried Alexa) but is compassionate and REAL with her.
She even admitted to being triggered by some things A said (which supported my own psych and Counsellor's insistence that she see a psych to offload and not expect me to be able to help her with the MH issues).
She may have cyclothymic disorder - a lower impact thing similar to bipolar (which my mother has).

Breathe OUT - omg this is so stressful. I just want to cry to all my friends here. No one else could possibly understand.

I woke at 3am to find texts from p.son in a distressed state. Cheeses. He's cracking big time too and the other kids don't even know what's happening with Alexa.

I'm back at work. Saving a small amount of leave for when A needs me even more.

I am SO GLAD you got that plumbing done and GRRRR for the cost of it all. Omg.
I can't begin to explain the plumbing issues here... since uncovering my garden the past 3 weeks, I've found even MORE. I need to put star posts in the 7 spots in the back garden that need repairing. I CAN patch some up myself... tbh I don't even know what I'm dealing with, with the worst ones.
Throw it on the pile I guess.

Back at work now. Just trying to hold on there, I've realised that we all need the money I earn, so that's that.

Creativity! Omg the issues we face sure sucks creativity OUT of us.
When you described your home with all the green, I thought that was really creative of you Blue!
I also admire your creativity in minimising, I really think you have to be creative to minimise in the ways you do. Sure it's a necessity but it's still creative.

SO how do you like to express your creativity?

Mine's all in my mind atm lol... creating the vision of my garden. It's 100% WORK atm but it's working towards a vision I have.
I'm burning SO MUCH in the chiminea which is satisfying lolol I'll take that for now!

Love EMxxxx