PTSD & Guilt - a combination from hell?

[Feya]

Last year I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and an anxiety disorder. I went through a massive process with my psych last year and did some amazing healing but the PTSD feels so unshakeable... I constantly am living in an altered state of reality and I can never see anything for what it really is. So often I come off as nasty and cold to people I care about but internally it's a massive mental battle. The guilt I feel for being so cold eats away at me so much, to the point where I dread people even saying hello in case I come off as a b*tch. I love being around people and talking to them but right now I'm not okay and it's so hard for me to fake it.

When I was 15 I ran away from home after years and years of abuse, watching my Mum get beaten, having strange and scary people do drugs around me because I was forced to live in a dealers house, I was constantly watched and followed, never allowed to eat, I would have to sneak out of my room hoping no one would see me just so I could use the toilet or get a drink of water. I would drink about 6 or 7 cups of tea a day just to try and fill my stomach with something. When I escaped, I found myself in a living situation that was just as mentally abusive and struggled for another 2 years, constantly being watched and judged and made to feel unsafe.

Now I live in a state of disconnect, even though for once in my life the house I'm living in is safe. My body is constantly tense, my heart pounds out of my chest if my boyfriend leaves the door to our room open. It takes me hours to build up the courage to go shower or make food. I'm currently living with my in-laws who are lovely but super nosy, and it sends my anxiety through the roof. Something as simple as the dad saying hello and looking over my shoulder makes me panic, and shake and feel like I'm about to get killed. My PTSD affects my every moment, every thought, every action. I feel so alone in this battle, having no one truly understand. The only person that knows I have this diagnosis is my partner and while he is supportive, he doesn't understand. I feel guilty for being so blunt with the people who offer me a safe space in their home.

I'm going to try and get approved for some more sessions with a therapist in the new years because I can't carry on like this. I don't know what I'm searching for with the post. This mental disorder is a lot to deal with, I think I really just needed to vent. Any thoughts or ideas about coping would be so appreciated.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Feya

Firstly welcome and I am so glad you have found yourself here to vent and to get off you chest what is possibly just the very tip of the iceberg for you of what seems to be an extremely traumatic and terrifying childhood. I dont understand and i have no idea what that must be like but I can only imagine and I really send to you my heartfelt apologies that this has happened but all my strength for you to be able to move forward to have a life that is happy and not filled with fear and terror. You deserve that and I hope you know that none of this was your fault and that this happened to you, not because of you.

I am so happy to hear that you are going to get some more sessions to help you work through this, that does sound like a really good idea, you are able to have a happy life and you can have a happy life, it just will take some work to get this trauma in it's right place and to be able to cope.

That is so wonderful that your partner has provided you with a safe place to live and that you are supported, and I totally get what you mean about the panic and the uncertainty of when someone looks over your shoulder, like .."what do they want?".."what do they think I am doing".."why don't they trust me"....but with what you have been through probably just the act of someone moving behind you without your knowledge I can see would terrify you.

I hope to chat to you some more, I really hope that we can give you some support through this time and give you some hope and please know we are here for you.

Huge hugs

AS

[white knight]

Hi Feya, welcome

Believe it, your reactions and condition is quite common and mirrors other issues surrounding anxiety and how we have been programmed from our younger days. The process of de-programming ourselves is a long one but not out of our reach. I'll join with Aaronsis to say that extra sessions will help you and that process could be ongoing for many years. My therapist taught me how to discount what were unrealistic thoughts, I still use that after 32 years because for whatever reason it wasnt learnt as a child.

You are lucky, you have insight, those that dont have a worse time. With that insight is intelligence enough to realise you need more help, from different places and you then reach out. This intelligence will be what will eventually place you in a great place for recovery so well done there.

A long time ago my anxiety saw me seek therapy. But I also decided to research on the www for self help techniques to allow me to speed up my recovery. Some techniques worked short term like medications, some medium term like lifestyle changes and some worked only long term like breathing and muscle exercises that I only realised after many years they do work. After 22 years or so I was fully cured of anxiety. Sounds a long time yes? but recovery was noticeable after about 2-3 years.

I would be moving out of your in-laws home as soon as you can afford it. It isnt a good idea without these issues, let alone your reactions. We cant expect others to understand it at all, they cant see the illness. No matter how you explain it.

Here is some threads you can read, but you only need to read the first post of each. They will help get what I've said in perspective and some detail.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why#qi6hknHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-#qn2_kXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it#qpS1gXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/meditation---words-of-wisdom---it-helped-me-for-25-years#qe4ivHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

The last one - Maharaji is on youtube, great to put one of his videos on while doing relaxation.

All the best, repost anytime

TonyWK

[Feya]

Thank you so much for your reply. Congratulations on your honorouable journey to getting hold on you anxiety-that's really comforting to know that it's possible. Lately I've felt overwhelmed that I'll never be able to live a normal life again but I really hope with time and perseverance, I can also take hold of my diagnosis too.

[Feya]

Thank you for your words and support. It's been a massive challenge but at times I can see the huge lessons this life is teaching me so I try my best to remember that.

It does get super lonely most of the time having to go through this alone. When I moved states I lost all of my friends and my family. Since living here the last 2 years I haven't managed to meet anyone my own age, let alone anyone I feel comfortable sharing this part of myself with.
I try my best to soilder through it but I'm grateful for websites like this and people like you who can offer me a boost when I have no where left to turn.