PTSD, abuse and family

[Reaperbird]

My step dad was very abusive to me growing up and has caused me a lot of fear and trauma.

Despite what he did to me, the rest of my family still talk to him. They also refuse to support me at all saying they don't want to get involved. Even when I went to the police about it, they all refused to back me up or make a statement.

It hurts a lot. I often feel like they don't care about me. Sometimes they put me in danger too by telling him about my personal life or inviting us both to the same function. I don't want to be anywhere near him, I'm terrified of him, and even when I tell them this they get angry at me and call me paranoid.

There have even been a few in my family that say it's my fault I got abused, saying I deserved it because I'm a trouble-maker. They spread horrible things behind my back, and make fun of me.

When I go to see my family, or when they visit, they often isolate me and leave me out of conversations. They also bully me and treat me like I'm inferior to them. If I see them in public, they act ashamed of me, like they don't want to be seen with me.

I've had a lot of fights with them, I keep asking them why they don't like me and why do they keep hurting me, but they just get angry and say they do love me and that I'm just being sensitive.
They also say I'm angry and manipulative, and I admit, I do get angry, because they treat me awful. And I have manipulated situations because it was the only way I could be safe from my step dad. They would have put me in danger if I hadn't done something!

I'm really tired of fighting with them, but I don't know what to do anymore. They won't respect my need to feel safe, and they won't show any kind of support for me. I've tried everything to work things out but no one will listen. They just see me as annoying and causing trouble. They don't care how much pain I'm in, or if they put me in harm's way. They just tell me it's not their problem and to not bother them with it.

I feel so alone. I feel like they don't care at all for me, and would rather see me hurt again then try to support me. I love my family, but sometimes I think I'm better off without them. Is that awful? It's just I don't want to be afraid and isolated anymore. I feel like I'm being punished for standing up to the abuse. He's nice to everyone, but not me. So many people have left already because they didn't believe me, I don't want to lose my family, but I feel like I already have.

[Reaperbird]

Sorry for the late response, I've had the flu.

@Grace: I'm doing better now. Finally let go of some of the guilt I had with my family and I've been feeling more at peace because of it.

I admit I'm still struggling with some inner conflict over my mum. She told me recently she wants to go back to my step dad (they've been separated, though not divorced) and even though I know I have no right to tell her what to do, I feel angry and hurt she would go back after all he has done to me.

Yes i think staying away from the bullying has been the best option. I'm still there for my family, but at a safe distance. I feel I can live with a little less stress now I've made that choice, and it's helping my self esteem too. I care a lot for my family, but I need to care for me too.

Thanks for the support. And yes, after a long day, it's hard to sleep at night knowing the next day is going to be just as lonely. I try to focus on my future in those times, remind myself that the isolation is only temporary, even if it feels like forever. I still get overwhelmed, but I do what I can to make it through each day.

Oh gosh, I'll end up crying, that's so nice of you to say. Thanks so much, and many hugs to you as well. 🙂

@Geoff: Yes, I'm on the disability pension. I have fibromyalgia. I also get rent assistance. But getting help for the bond would be helpful, I should check in to that. Thanks!

@Bluey Moon: Yeah, it's the hardest. Nothing feeds doubt like isolation.

Well I am lucky that my dad has disappeared, he was also abusive, I have no idea where he is now. Probably on the run from the law or bad people. At least he leaves me be.
It can still be difficult though, if only memories could be removed. Then again, I guess even those serve a purpose in keeping safe in the future.

Honestly, I don't even care what he does in his life, as long as he stays away from me and doesn't cause me harm anymore. Unfortunately, he's a sadistic spiteful person, so the only way to get him out of my life is to leave town. I wish he'd just accept he hates me and move on with his life. Heck it would even do him good. Constantly thinking about how to hurt others instead of living life, it can't be a very pleasant.

I think he pays for it in ways he doesn't know. I'd almost feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a threat to me.
I do worry he'll hurt others, but I think I need more help before I can face court again. I'm not ready.

Hehe, thankyou. That means a lot. 🙂

[Graceeeeee]

Hello Dear Reaperbird! ❤️

It's so good to see you're feeing a bit better now, it's also really good that your choice is helping with your self-esteem too, and what I love the most is that you see now you need to take care of yourself too 🙂 Because you are the most important, and it's so important to love yourself.

I'm glad being on here has helped you too 🙂 Sorry to hear you caught the flu! How is it going, are you getting a little better?

I know it can be hard getting to sleep sometimes, especially knowing when you wake up in the morning you won't feel any better, but I guess you just have to keep trying with life, even when you just feel like giving up. I try to motivate myself by focusing on my goals and that makes me feel better, and I just tell myself that I'm never giving up 🙂

I'm so happy my words had made you feel better my dear friend, whenever you feel lonely again remember that we are always here for you, my love and thoughts will always be with you 🙂 Thank you for the lovely hugs I'm sending mine to you too ❤️

With Love,

Grace xxx

[Graceeeeee]

Hey Dear Reaperbird!!

Haven't heard from you in a while, so just thought I'd pop by and check in on you, how have you been doing my dear friend? xx Please take care of yourself and know that we are always always here to support and love you ❤️ ❤️

With so much love and many big hugs to you,

Grace ❤️ xxxx