Hi summerday's,
Welcome to BB.
Sometimes I jump on BB at odd hours if I can't sleep or am feeling lonely. Anyway, I stumbled across your post and it hit a nerve. I'm not a parent so I'm not sure if I'm the best person to respond but I'll give it a go anyway.
You have clearly been through a lot. Losing 2 family members who were violent is very confusing. Complicated grief/complex grief.
P was lucky to have you in his life. You put your own safety in jeopardy for his sake. That's love and sacrifice right there.
Your young children do sound like they are setting off a very strong emotional and physical response in you. You must be so exhausted and frustrated.
I think it's great that you're exploring potential reasons for how you're feeling. It's hard to say if you have PTSD or not without a diagnosis. Maybe you could mention it to your psych this week? See what he or she says.
I had various family problems growing up. To this day, I have no concept of what a healthy, functional family looks like. Other people dream of growing up and creating/extending their own families but even just the thought makes me feel physically ill and I want to bolt.
If we are talking flight or fight here- I've clearly mastered the flight part. I think it's because I don't associate families with happiness (or at least not family in the traditional sense of parent/s and child/ren). Family has other connotations for me and most aren't positive because of stuff that went on when I was younger.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is even though our experiences aren't identical, I can still empathise with some of your pain and struggles. I've had my own traumas in life (but no PTSD) so I hear you.
Hopefully someone who, unlike me, is a parent responds soon.
Take care now.
Dottie x
