Old fella, same old feelings

[Slim_Man]

At aged 5 I came out of hospital with a body drastically changed by polio. I was weaker, my legs wore callipers, kids much younger than me could do lots more than I could, including ride a bike faster and for longer, climb trees much more ably, beat me in running. playing footy and in fights. John, my little brother's best mate, 6 years my junior challenged me in a swimming race. He won easily. I've always felt inferior to other people, especially blokes. And feeling 'less than' turned into feeling disliked, not good enough and not fully part of the group. My physical best always fell short. My footy coach, dickhead man that he was, after an opponent strolled past me at fullback to score a try, castigated me saying, "he was your man to tackle." I failed on every physical level as I grew up, despite doing my best.

And today, at 72 years old, I still consider I'm failing, not good enough, 'less than and inferior to' and thereby destined to remain on the fringes of life and social groups. I even feel I'm not good enough for my kids.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Slim Man,

It's great to see that you've found some comfort in some of the words of our community members. We're so sorry to hear that you have been through so much. We understand that coping with these experiences must be overwhelming. We think you are so strong.

If you ever feel that you need to talk these experiences through with a counsellor, it might be worth trying MensLine. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health or relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

If you would like to speak to a counsellor about experiences of childhood trauma, you can speak with a Blue Knot Helpline trauma counsellor for support on 1300 657 380 (Monday - Sunday between 9am - 5pm AEST) - https://www.blueknot.org.au/

Please feel free to keep reaching out here and keeping us updated on your journey whenever you feel up to it.

[Slim_Man]

So much has become obvious to me in the last few weeks. And all because it was written about so thoroughly in a book about the impact of polio on kids. It's never been so stark and the honesty of this writer, her decision to write so realistically about this topic is what has triggered my recent episodes of sadness about what I lived thru daily in a world that I could participate in only partly. I wanted to be like Mac and Cliff. I wanted to have legs like Willsy and shoulders and chest that allowed Brian to win every swimming race he entered. I just wanted to be normal. Nobody ever knew, except possibly my Mum how humiliated I felt time and again when physical prowess was needed and I wasn't up to it. It was so goddam lonely after a race at the athletic or swimming carnivals each year. Nobody teased me, as far as I can remember, but I felt kind of lonely.

I understand more than ever my my abiding feeling of not being good enough which has stayed with me all of my life. I recognise it in other people, too. Or, rather I interpret their behaviour in light of my own experience. Recently, i watched two young blokes sparring in a boxing ring. One was vastly superior to the other. I had to leave; I couldn't bear to watch one guy struggling to match the higher standard of his opponent. I felt so sorry for the 'lesser' skilled fella I just had to leave. He tried hard; he was brave; but the look I saw on his face I interpreted as fear, failing to cope, hopelessness, sadness. All my interpretation, of course, but I understand my response more than I ever have. I cry when I write this stuff, but I feel I need to write it. But it has to stop soon. I understand so, so much now since I've started to write it. I hope it brings change in me somehow, a change that basically makes me feel better about myself.

[Emmen]

Hello again Slim Man,

To find a book that you can relate to so well sounds almost like the work of fate. Along with your sadness has come a greater understanding of what you have gone through, and in revisiting those memories, I hope you see things in a different light. It's not you who are deficient in any way, but rather, your circumstances have been difficult. It must feel less lonely knowing that someone out there has penned this honest book that mirrors your experiences.

You are changing. It may not be an instant change, but with every new understanding, with every new bit of knowledge, you've started the process. And that's something you need to be proud of. I certainly am proud of you for doing this.

Take care,
M