Not sure how much longer I can continue

[Hatedbydaughter]

Hi again, my daughter is now 25. I continue to bend over backwards for her and she continues to be rude and spread vicious lies about me. It came to a crux overnight when she came home very late. My rule is if you are going to be late, let us know. It's not about control, it's about concern for well being.

She hadn't spoken to me for two days and she entered the house, slammed the door and went into her room where she proceeded to yell how much she hates me. She was covering her face so I touched her hand so I could see her face. She accused me of being violent, then pushed me into the bed, smashed my picture frame and punched my back. She then ran out of the house.

As it was past 2 am, I thought it was best to drive around to find her. I took her car as it was the most accessible at the time. She woke up the neighbours and called the police. She told them that I stole her car, that I physically abused her along with a litany of other lies. This is the third time that she has contacted the police is 7 years. The venom in her eyes was soul destroying. She wanted me destroyed. As all the damage in the house was caused by her, she then started to fabricate her life story to elicit support from the police. It broke me to see how far she was prepared to go to destroy me. She can be very self destructive and emotionally immature.

She resents people who like me, especially people her own age. She makes up a lifetime of abuse stories, focus on me being an aggressive bully. As people cannot believe her stories, she records me when I'm really angry and having a rant at home (typically to myself). She uses this against me and plays it to anyone who will listen. I have always been there for her, even after all her shenanigans. She can either be very loving towards me, or very nasty and manipulative that constantly tries to entrap me. Her lies are baseless but the repercussions are enormous.

I'm now beyond exhausted. I told her last time she called the police that if she did it again that our relationship would be invariably damaged. This affects my work, my relationships with people, and especially my relationship with her father (my husband). I always make excuses for her and many times have even taken the blame.

She honestly hates me and wants to hurt me - physically and emotionally. I'm not sure that I can move on from this. I'm traumatised. She tells me that I'm not deserving to be a mother and that everyone who knows me hates me.

How do I move on?

Thanks

[Mef]

Oh no! My first reaction to your story is that's she's on drugs,has she always been like this? She is 25 now a full grown adult so her decisions that she is making now are out of your control.i have two kids myself and can't imagine being in your situation,you love them so much and the hurt you feel must be terrible,please stay strong and try too find out why she is so angry,I'm thinking she is on some type of drug,from personal experience.Stay calm and your not alone xxx

[Hatedbydaughter]

Thanks Mef,

No, no drugs. That would be easier to stomach. Drama began when she was young and extraordinarily indulged. She quickly discovered that making up stories and blaming me was her trump card. For example, if she wanted a dress and I didn’t want to buy it for her, she’d start crying and yelling ‘stop calling me fat’. She wasn’t overweight and did this so I would be publicly outed as a bully.

My adult daughter may feign love towards me but her actions with the police and her lies to the neighbours, to family and friends about me confirm unadulterated hatred.

When I do cry, she calls me a weak pathetic victim that she cannot respect. She tells my parents and my siblings that I’m desperately miserable because of my husband (not true) and seems to get a thrill out of lying to her friends and telling them that I hate them. When I chastised her in the past, she kept a list and would throw it in my face when I was feeling vulnerable.

She elicits sympathy from those around her. She sacrificed me to get that.

The venom in her eyes and in her voice really affected me. I always defined our relationship as love/hate but tonight was an epiphany. Love only went in her direction.

I’m shattered

[geoff]

Hello Hatedbydaughter, a warm welcome to the forums.

Even though parents want their children who are over 18 years old to let them know when they will be home, take this as interfering with their privacy, I know it's out of concern, but if their friends knew of this happening they would then be teased.

My grandmother used to ask me every night whether or not I'd be home for dinner and as a young 18 year old I felt as though she was being too private.

I understand what you are going through and I'm sure it's not pleasant at all to justify that was has been said is far from the truth.

I would be asking your daughter to find another place where she can live, to move out.

This may concern you, but what is happening is that your health is deteriorating and need to establish yourself by seeking counselling.

Whether your daughter is taking drugs or not, or whether she requires help for what she's been doing is out of your hands because she will do whatever she wants to do.

All the lies, the mistruths will come back, but now you need to look after yourself and hope you can see your doctor who can then refer you onto a psychologist with the mental health plan.

This allows you 10 Medicare paid sessions.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Hatedbydaughter]

Thanks Geoff.

I know I should seek help. My health has suffered for years; insomnia, nightmares, headaches, blood pressure etc.

I seem to suffer from guilt. I’ve tried in the past and I felt terrible talking about what’s she’s done. Unlike her, I don’t want others to dislike her. Ironic

But I think the time has come. It’s gone too far.

Thanks

[therising]

Hi Hatedbydaughter

From one mum to another, I just want to give you a huge hug!

Is it possible for you to sit down and have a long talk with your husband about the way forward from here? Is it possible to come up with a plan together, one that would serve you as a couple and serve you as parents (guides to your daughter)?

It's definitely hard to get our self out of certain behaviours, as parents/guides. I find that the responsibility is mine, in changing my own behaviours, before I can constructively work on tweaking my kids' behaviours. I have some shocking habits I'm gradually working through. For example: I admit I mollycoddled my second child a little, my son. My approach did nothing for his self-esteem. I did not raise him to be highly independent. I did not raise him to naturally raise himself through significant challenges. I took on a lot of challenges for him. I enabled him to not have to rise to certain situations outside his comfort zone. At 14, I'm helping him grow his self-esteem in constructive ways. I throw a lot of challenges his way, which he's enjoying.

If you're able to speak with your husband, maybe you can both come up with a variety of ways to challenge your daughter. From what you write, it is no challenge for her to call the police, it is no challenge for her to treat you poorly, it is no challenge for her to lie and disrupt relationships in your life. These things are easy for her by the sound of it. Perhaps it is what challenges her that will raise her out of such destructive behaviour. Often, we need our consciousness challenged in strategic ways.

You, your self, will face a lot of challenges as a mum in regard to changing your behaviour toward your daughter. For example: It may prove deeply challenging for you to write a letter to your daughter which may say something like 'I can never accept your destructive behaviour although when you feel the time is right for you to finally address what seriously troubles you, I will be there to give you the support you need'. It is her right to keep it or screw it up. The main thing is you have announced you will help her reform herself. It may challenge you to support your husband if he says 'Do not reason with her when she is being unreasonable'. Trying to reason with an unreasonable person just generates anger as long as we remain engaged. As a mum, I know one of the greatest challenges I work to rise to is high self-esteem. I'm getting there. I never had it up 'til lately.

🙂

[monkey_magic]

Hi Hatedbydaughter,

Sorry to hear about the way your daughter has treated you.
I agree with Geoff. I think it's time she moves out and hopefully finds it a lot harder and then reflects on her actions.
What she is doing is completely unacceptable. Distance could be key to change. It worked with me and my mum. Mum wasn't treating me very well and I moved out for two years. Upon returning she reflected and changed. I really hope she matures and this happens for you.
A different environment can do wonders.

[Hatedbydaughter]

She seems to have landed on her feet. Moving in with a wealthy relative. Seems that she will have her cake and eat it too.
Not sure how I’m feeling about this. She’s collecting all her clothes etc and we are not speaking at all.
Hope for her sake that she grows from this.
I don’t think our relationship is repairable. She’s pushed it too far and she’s far too stubborn and proud to apologise. Her character assassination of me to all her friends and acquaintances makes it even harder for her.
Very sad

[Hatedbydaughter]

Thanks for the hug!
Ironically I allowed her to fall, to fail and to challenge herself. She seems to resent this! Go figure.
I’m utterly heartbroken and I can hear her packing inside. She’s so confident, no care in the world. Husband and I have been left with a huge void. She doesn’t care

[geoff]

Hello Hatedbydaughter, thanks for getting back to us, and yes I'm sorry that you and your husband have been left with an empty spot or void as you say and this can happen by lack of respect and the company of someone you always wanted.

By moving in with a wealthy relative maybe good in one way, however, Iong term issues may arise, simply because she's not learning by herself.

You haven't necessarily 'allowed her to fall, to fail and to challenge herself', at some stage in her life finding your own feet is vital.

Sorry if I have upset you by saying this, that was not my intention.

Best wishes.

Geoff.