Normal to feel like leaving?

Needingadvice2018 · ‎10-11-2018

Hello, have posted before and received some very helpful advice so thought I would check in again to see if how I'm feeling is 'normal'. Past history ptsd from dv - never thought life would be ok again. But kids have kept me going. Current relationship for 4.5yrs, very understanding and caring but live seperately (yes have children together) however due to both our first relationships having children our distance between homes is 2hrs.

Some days are ok but others are not. I find the ok days are when we are together, the not so good days and weeks are those when we are apart (due to first relationship children needs my partner has children 50/50). I am raising our joint children 100% and also mine from first relationship 100%).

some days I just want to not deal with life, I have a fantastic job which I love, very supportive extended family who help with kids and such but not being with partner and raising all the kids is very difficult and small things set my day into chaos and I am resentful that I do it myself and only get support on the days partner doesn't have first relationship kids.

today is one of those days I just feel annoyed at everything, kids playing up, house is a mess even though I had it cleaned two days ago (children's toys, clothes, towels etc) and partner is busy with other kids. I feel the relationship is going no where and just want to give up. I know this is in part the ptsd talking because it seems like dejarvu (first relationship I did 100%of all kids and house stuff even though we lived together). I admit absolutely no DV with this relationship, very thankful for that.

I jist want out. Is it normal to feel like this? I hate this life like this and feeing like it's a constant circle of repetition. How can I overcome this? Am I rambling.

PamelaR · ‎10-11-2018

Hi Needingadvice

Welcome back. You're not rambling at all.There is a lot going on for you. All those children you are responsible for. It sounds like you are the main family and home manager. This can take it's toll so understand why you want out.

I don't think it's just ptsd. Would I be right in saying you want your partner to take some responsibility for the kids, the house and everything else? While this is dejarvu, it's not a dv situation, you still want support. This is realistic and necessary - from my perspective.

For me, if I wanted to maintain the relationship, I'd really be doing some serious talking about how I feel, what I wanted and the triggers that were happening through the relationship.What do you think? Is this feasible for you?

Kind regard

PamelaR

Needingadvice2018 · ‎11-11-2018

Thank you Pamela, it is nice to even just get words down on paper.

yes just feeling like it's all getting too much but unfortunately I finally drew courage to discuss the actual ptsd with partner - we both attended a regular one of my appointments together so the professional could explain and provide both of us with support. Partner was shocked I had been holding it in for so long, almost 5 years, but said all the right things and the professional was encouraged and grateful I had the support.

unfortunately for me the one time I have asked for support and I get a message back saying 'your too much work' and that was it. I am absolutely gutted with partners response after everything we have been through, after finally opening up and explaining what I'm going through. So no chance anything will change in relationship and perhaps I need to cut ties now. I really honestly felt ready to begin a new chapter once I had divulged such personal information. It was used against me. I am lost and now have kids depending on me whilst partner looks after first relationship kids. Life really sucks. I'm not a good parent and really wanted partners support. Shattered.

PamelaR · ‎12-11-2018

Hi Needingadvice

you are sounding quite down at the moment. I think I can relate to that. When I first divulge my personal information, i.e. what caused my trauma, I want to run away. I go into this after shock revealation thingy. It often means I turn away from the person I told things too. I see it in others who do the same. Part of my survival skills is to get others talking without saying much myself. I actually get people to reveal a bit - more to help them to help themselves than anything. However, they often turn away from me.

so maybe this is what's happening?

What is it that you do that makes you think you're not a good parent? You may have told me elsewhere, but how old are your kids?

It's so good you're reaching out Needingadvice. Be kind to yourself. It's okay to do that.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Tobias_Squeezer · ‎13-11-2018

Dear needingadvice2018

No you are not rambling! This feeling of dejavu must be very unsettling. I feel for you.

I was wondering if it would be helpful if you adjust your mindset? Like- instead of thinking ‘I just cleaned the house & now look at it!’ Think- ‘I did a great job cleaning the house and I’m proud of what I achieved. It will always get messed up again, but with little chores for each child, we can tame the chaos!’ ( make a game of it-‘see who can pick up the most toys & put them away in a minute’)

The fact that you have taken your kids away from the abusive relationship is reason to think positively & be proud of yourself.

Sometimes we maximize or minimize a situation in our mind, and it only causes us to get down on ourselves and others.

Maybe have a diary to record a daily blessing & you can gradually change the unhelpful thoughts into positive & encouraging ones.

I wish you success!

Regards, Tobias Squeezer

Needingadvice2018 · ‎13-11-2018

Thank you Tobias, I appreciate your reply.

yes I am ok with the house, chaos etc - that's really part of life and my kids are old enough to assist with quick cleaning etc which they do do well thankfully.

i think I am more upset with the partner and just making this all my fault and saying I can just snap out of it... I wish I could. I am very disappointed in this attitude, it took me years to be able to open up and explain through the helpnof the councillor what I have been through and to have it turned around is not great. But onwards I guess. I know I have moments in each day that sits well, others I just break down and cry and wonder why why. Life I guess.

PamelaR · ‎14-11-2018

Hi Needingadvice

I've just picked up on your words to Tobias. That's it isn't it, people think when you have a mental health disorder you can just snap out of it?

To be truthful, that's how I use to think (a life time ago now). But my own journey has made me realise that is such an unreal expectation.

For me that raises some very good things to think about and write about - how can we get others to understand this isn't like a broken arm - where you set it in plaster or pin it back together and everything is back to normal.

I truly wish I had some good thoughts for you about how this can be done. Maybe there are other readers out there who have had some success in getting others to understand and who would like to share their experiences?

Hope things are going okay for you today Needingadvice.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Tess2 · ‎14-11-2018

Hi Needingadvice,

i think you are being an excellent parent and doing it all alone is tough. You must be exhausted. I won’t advise you on what to do about your relationship, but is sounds like he has his cake and is eating it too. Is he more attached to the children he cares for than the children he had with you? Consider carefully what you will do , but try to stop comparing it to the first divorce as that will colour your decision making. Put your children and you first, but don’t make a decision until you are sure it is the best way forward.

Does he contribute financially to supporting his children?

tess

Tobias_Squeezer · ‎19-11-2018

Hello needingadvice,

I hope your day is a peaceful one.

Im so sorry your partner thinks you can just ‘snap out of it’. Many people will say they hold no prejudices, but stigmatizing the things we have suffered, & resulting trust issues, is very annoying and insulting to the victim.

I was careful not to give you any relationship advice, as I’m new on here and don’t want to post unhelpful stuff. Everyone’s situation is different, and what helps one, may not help another.

Im a very spiritual person, and I loved that my psychologist encouraged me to keep filling my spiritual need, because that’s intrinsic to who I am. Besides that, the Bible has timeless advice.

Again-that worked for me.

But I also had to do the homework on my thinking patterns, to benefit the most.

Whatever you decide, Pamela R and Tess2 have some great suggestions in their reply to you as well.

Best Wishes for today

Tobias Squeegeeing

Idkme · ‎19-11-2018

Hi

I'm not any particular help here but I see some strengths in your opening statement which I was hoping will help you find your own clarity....

You said "But kids have kept me going"... that's an amazing caring thing that you do... you do an amazing job to care for those children 100% of the time and that can be hard work and very tiring... especially when they keep messing the house up... (I know that feeling....grrrr).

You said " I have a fantastic job which I love, very supportive extended family who help with kids" That's such a blessing... use them to 'escape' when you need to.

Everyone has bad days, some more than others, that includes your partner. Give him a chance to think about what he wants in this relationship before you cause an unrepairable rift... His response was uncaring and wrong but maybe he doesn't realise that... on the other hand, if he does than that's his lose.

Draw the strength from yourself as a survivor... you're not afraid to acknowledge your struggles and hardship, so be strong to face them in the weaker times too...

You've got some great responses above and I hope you realise that we all care and that you are completely normal for feeling the way you do considering all you've been through.

Keeping a journal is a great idea... I have been...

I hope things bounce back for you soon.