new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

No appointments until Wednesday, actually, though he's got a bunch of collection bottles for various body fluids to attend to. Anyway, a few days to get some stuff done at home, socialise a little and maybe chill out for a while.

How are you feeling, with all the coughing and wheezing? Is it easing up any? Hopefully Yvette's appointment was productive and she's on track to getting better, too.

Smell is pretty much gone, thankfully. Mr Feisty is settled back into his big cage, and I am able to use my kitchen again. Hoping in the coming days to do some cooking, make a mushroom stew, maybe some biscuits or something. I miss good, home-cooked food. Also my nutritional needs are finnicky, and I'm the only person who makes meals that consistently hit all the right bases.

I hear you about the personality stuff. Mind you, given you have a large family at home, the measure of your introversion or extroversion can be tested on whether being with them energises you or if you need to squirrel away regularly to catch your breath and manage being with them. Did you read your personality profile at all? Do you think the ISTJ (Protector) personality type fit you?

Anyway, I don't mean my somewhat intense interest in personality typing to diminish your experience and reasons for being somewhat less sociable and comfortable among the general public than you once were. I understand. I do hope you can attend the Costa talk and feel - and more importantly, be - safe.

Very glad for Poodle, hoping he continues to feel okay and recover well.

I did actually have a nice Sunday. If I can muster the energy, I'll talk about that in the self care thread. Sounds like yours was pretty full on, and another busy day tomorrow, too. Don't let anyone make plans that include you on Tuesday, you need rest!

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

PS Thanks for thinking of me, mmMekitty. Love that image of Mr Feisty doing a Woodstock impression. He'd have to change colour, but he's the best at sitting and looking thoughtful. 🙂

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, Mr Fiesty doing a Woodstock impersonation lol. Woodstock is UP there with Snoopy on his Dog House, so funny. Kitty you have a great sense of humour! Please never lose that. 

I can't remember if I read all the stuff omg, my memory sighhh. I know I'm naturally an extrovert, everyone throughout my life has told me. Had no issues lecturing to crowds of thousands in my work, performing on stage etc. Was shocked when I first heard that people get NERVOUS about this... wow, that was mind blowing lol. 
P.Son is my most introverted child. He talks about "social overload" which I don't relate to. 
But I also don't NEED the social interaction I used to seek. 
Yes you're right about constant interaction at home, there's constant interaction at work too. 
I get tired of people always coming to me to problem solve, especially at home with the kids' friends seeking my company to help them with their problems... but I never shy away from it. I hate that their parents aren't stepping up, but I won't abandon them too. 
Energised? hahaha probably not. Gratified yes. I WANT these young people to feel that someone is there for them, loves for them and cares about them. This is important for me, so I do feel better. 

Meds not working fast, still have the rasping, burning throat waking me up at night.  

Only 6 trips out for taking kids to work Tuesday so far, so that counts as a day off for me lol.  

Gosh we all worked hard yesterday, even the GRAND kids did lol. Paths are a completely different colour! 

Off to the biggish smoke today. Better wake the kids and feed the chickens! 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Woodstock just sits in his spot and chills out. Not so unlike Mr Feisty a lot of the time.

I'm not telling you what your personality is, but I wouldn't put much stock in people calling you an extrovert - the average person in my experience doesn't actually know the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. I've had people react with surprise when I say I'm an introvert. I'm not shy, I'm assertive, I need company sometimes like anyone, and I can do public speaking a lot more readily than many people (though it does sound like it comes more naturally to you). I can be the life of the party, in the right mood. But I will happily not talk to anyone for the next three days after - ergo I am pretty heavily introverted. Sure, you don't shy away from your kids' friends asking for help, even kinda like it. Do you need to go be by yourself for a while after? Or do you seek the company of others, family or otherwise (if not specifically to solve all their problems), when you are feeling a bit flat or mentally tired (as opposed to must-sleep-now tired)? That's the real tell.

Sorry to hear the meds are taking their time to kick in. Hoping they do, fingers crossed for you.

Ugh, 6 trips being a day off. Any wonder you're sick and exhausted. Never mind working bees and such. At the risk of offending you, you do know this isn't how you get better, right? Don't do any work no-one's life doesn't depend on you doing. Rest. Get better. Please.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, 

Re: the Personality quiz. 
I don't give much credence to such things.
In response to my children's questions about "why do we get along well when there's a red line saying "disaster"?"...

It's only a quiz. 
It doesn't take into account the love we have for each other as "family". 
Nor the willingness of each of us to go above and beyond to maintain harmony. 

Quizzes such as these can be WRONG. Just as people are misdiagnosed with MH questionnaires alone, that have research backing them, that highly trained people administer. Relying on these alone can lead people down rabbit holes I won't follow. 

Our family mantra is "to work together like a well oiled machine". 
And we do. 

So following this, I'd take my close friends observations of me over 50 years, above any 5 minute quiz Blue. 
Above all of this "Know thyself" has been a focus for me. 

Re: anti biotics my GP prescribed, they came with his comment "these probably won't do anything for you but in the absence of being able to give you Penicillin, it's all we have. Book another appt next week if you're still unwell". 

I'm not about to abandon my children at midnight or any time of the day or night, while I have breath in my body. We never know when their lives depend on it. 

Talk soon
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I think you have misunderstood my intent throughout my last message, and that I have ruffled your feathers. Of course it was not my intent to offend you. I am sorry if you feel I am merely quibbling over details.

I agree that online quizzes can be pretty dodgy - most are. I agree that even diagnostic quizzes can miss important things. I agree that even if the personality type indicator was right, one can work around a personality clash for the right people.

I do put some stock in the MBTI, however, as my own experience with it has shown it to be fairly accurate, and it helped me understand not only myself better but also others and how I relate to them. It was very useful to me. I have also seen people close to me discovering that they didn't understand the difference between introversion and extroversion, and that liking people and company didn't make them extroverts. This knowledge saved them constantly overcommitting socially and burning themselves out all the time without understanding why it was happening. This is why I was trying to ascertain your definition of extroversion - I know you to be constantly overcommitted and you show classic signs of being burnt out. My thought was that if you turned out to be one of those surprise introverts, it could explain some things and help you find energy where you may not have thought you could. I'm not saying you don't know yourself, but on the flip side, you and I have both been on a journey of finding little details like the definition of a word or a different perspective on a behaviour or thought pattern that opens doors to understanding ourselves and feeling more whole and healthy that we just didn't know were there.

Yes,you did say the doctor wasn't very confident in the treatment you have at the moment. Has there been any improvement at all?

Here I think you have misunderstood me again. I'm not saying don't pick the kids up at night - clearly their safety is your reasoning. I'm urging you not to take on any more outings or jobs beyond the absolutely necessary. For your safety. Can the working bee be postponed or just not include you doing work while you are sick, for example? Can the kids work out their own transport for social things during the day, or have friends come to them while you are unwell?

I hope you know I do have your best interests at heart.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue, yes I know you have my best interests at heart. Thank you. 

Yes the Dr wasn't confident the anti biotic he prescribed would work but it was the only option as I am anaphylactic to certain antibiotics, so that's a NO go lol... obviously.  
I also took all the other stuff he suggested. 

I'll expand on my Counselling, on a different post, as it relates to all this. 

Rest assured I'm doing the minimum I feel I can atm. The kids manage their Social times very well mostly without me at all. Its ONLY work I'm driving them to and from but also the Safer Driver's Course for P.Son so he could get another 20h on his Log Book. He's booked this months ago so it just fell on this week. 

That day things got quite out of my control. Everyone involved said they all learnt a lesson. They also acknowledged that with each of my children that needs to "go through something" that heavily impedes upon me.... then it's me who is exhausted with the ever repeating "lessons" the kids have to learn by going thru. 
Inadvertently, me being the only parent, the fall out falls on me too. 
A big family talk happened that night. 

Basically instead of a simple 45 minute trip to pick up P.Son, it ended up being a 5 HOUR out to sort the situation that I didn't create. Not sure how much I can expand on this, it would take me too long to type. 
I'm shaky still from meds but will explain on next post. 

Love you Blue. Thankyou for being here. 
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling and discoveries from it. 

I can't remember ever crying so much to my Counsellor yesterday. Even thinking about things I'm starting to cry again. 

My life. 
I got a shock from BF on Monday. We talked for hours that day and more yesterday. I'm trying to assimilate the impacts of this. I can't expand now. It would upset me too much and I'm already struggling with too much. 
We're still together, it seems we love each other more than ever. It was nothing he'd done. 
I didn't share any of this with my Counsellor, we had 2 hours of other stuff - managing my physical life and MH. 

My Counsellor retains so much about me and connects more dots than I am able to do, so often. 
She said I'd overdosed on medications. I only took what the Dr suggested but this was far too much for my system. 
I couldn't sleep. Was shaking SO much. Still am. 
I stopped those additional meds. Flushing it out by drinking over 4litres of water a day. I was drinking 2 but now doubled it. 

There was little improvement in my symptoms anyway. Still taking the ABs.

Found some alternative remedies that sit well. Over 16h they've helped more than any traditional meds. 

Too much this and not enough that, everyone telling me what to do even when I didn't ask or want their opinion. NOT from my Counsellor. She has solid faith in me. 

I know what I need. 
TIME in my garden, surrounded by the elements that ground me. 
I just need to get to "myself", ignore others who think they can steer my life better than I can. 

They can't. 
They have no idea. Plus it's not THEIR life and won't suffer the consequences. 
I won't be swayed. 
Determined to stay on track. 

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Keeping it short tonight, just letting you know as usual that I am listening. Today was another big day of hospital appointments. I am in full overwhelm, therefore not up to responding to each thing in detail like I normally do, but I'm hearing you. I care what you're going through.

I think I need to step back from the forums for a few days to regroup. I'll probably have one eye on them and see if you really need me, but I won't be posting much, I have been struggling hard for the past week. 

Love to you and sending any energy I can spare for your recovery in health, and in dealing with BF's shocking revelation.

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue, you're very sweet. I appreciate your time, energy, love and support in the peak of trying times for you. 

I'm very cognizant of this time for you. HUGS> more hugs.

I'm good. 
Will update soon. 

Take TIME and do anything you need to do. 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: recovery going well. 

2 days ago I ditched the meds the GP suggested I take. 
Began doing ALL sorts to remedy the accidental overdosing on less than regular dosages that happened.
The FOG IS CLEARING. 

My sensitive system CANNOT cope with barely any pharmaceuticals. 
I went all out alternative. 
Drank 4 litres of water, near a loo at all times lol. 
Saturated myself in Magnesium, more external than internal. 
Bathed in it, applied it to my entire body. 
Wash wash and extract this stuff OUT. 

My ears have miraculously healed. 
My throat issues are barely noticeable now. 

SO I:
* booked myself in for the Costa Georgiadis talk YAY! BF helped me today. My gorgeous man tried to order me a ticket from the U.S. hahaha but the system wouldn't accept foreign currency. So he flicked the proper links via HIS QR code that worked from there as my phone doesn't do QR codes. 
I'm seeing COSTA! No doubt will buy his book too since it's a Writer's Festival he's talking at lol. 
* Booked Pedicures in for myself AND my daughters tomorrow morning. I wanted pretty feet for the talk AND the boys' party on the weekend. Funnily enough my feet will have my garden boots on for the talk because it's being held in an Arboretum and yeah there are snakes about. 
* Ordered the 8 Straw Bales for delivery tomorrow and 8 sacks of chook seed too. 

The boys' friends are coming over early to help set up for the party Saturday. 

I decided to do something fancy to the downstairs porch floor but NOT before the party. 
It's creative which makes me happy. 

Love EM