new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, you're so lovely. I value your friendship too. 

I'm glad BM took LM to spend time with him. 
Getting back to SELF. What an impossible thing to do, to feel "normal" in the midst of the the most challenging of times. Your tribe is gathering. It's comforting for me to know you have those people who love LM & you.  

I think of you often during the day & wonder how you're doing. I appreciate you letting me know, no matter how awful things are, I want to know but only if YOU can cope. 
It's all up to you. Please take care of yourself. 

I smiled in wonder at the thought of a bee colony in your garden! What a sanctuary that must be for them with all the threats bees are facing. 
Bees need water too! They chose your garden for good reasons lol. How sweet! 

Yes I need to suss the Black Snake group out before I speak (yeah I could be growing up lol). 
We have so many native plants at work that proliferate areas & struggle for space. They would LOVE a new home in a spacious, wet area with awesome black soil! Sure would beat the rocky terrain they live in now. 

The group is specific about plants they want, perhaps far too specific but hey, right?
I honour their aims of providing habitat for micro bats with native food. Those plants from work are native & have edible berries but are low on the ground. Lilly Pillies from mine grow up to 40ft high, they're much safer for food for all animals to stay away from the snakes! Plus they fruit for more months of the year. 
The bats here LOVE them lol. 

Right on dusk in certain parts of our garden, we have micro bats zinging past at an alarming speed. Teeny tiny little bubbas, like tiny butterflies but FAST. 

Sleep hahaha, heavens. Ahhh maybe in around 10y time? LOLOLOL! OR if I get the opportunity to visit BF by myself, then I have THE best sleeps I've ever had. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

It's a good friendship to be in. 🙂

The boys had a great time together, yesterday, and I am glad they had that time. I mostly sat on my butt and played a game on my computer. Got a bit of washing done too, it had piled up during the week given everything that was happening. I didn't try to do any other jobs.

Don't worry, I'm not pushing myself beyond capacity to keep you updated on here. There will be days when I can only manage a brief message, more than that I will save for when I'm needing to debrief and connect. It does help me to talk to you and have your kindness and validation. 

The bees are great - mind you I'm happier with where they settled in than their original idea of getting comfy in the vents of our walls. They vacated that spot voluntarily, thankfully.

I love that you have bat's at your place, I have a special fondness for bats. 

Completely understand that you want a better feel for the Black Snake group. Use your judgement, there. 

Hey, you never know, you may find some things that can get gone from your schedule and allow you a little more sleep. One step at a time. Always happy to brainstorm with you on how that can be made to happen. 🙂

Hugs,

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, hugs back. 💚

I love that we have bats too! 
I love that you have your bees OUT of the house lol! 

WE NEED THEM ALL. 

I decided to reach out and call a friend much younger than me last night. SO glad I did. I could feel she misses her Ecomama, I miss her too. We've made plans for me to drive up to hers in Oct. I met her just before she became a street kid about 30y ago. I pushed to keep in touch at that time. She's really turned her life around. I'm so proud of her! 

That call is a major achievement in my week lol! 

Making it through another week at work will be a SUPER major achievement. 
The shenanigans, truly ugh. Big things happening there, lots of Police / other Agency's involvement. Alot of assessments, paperwork, reports. Heavy stuff. 

We're minding Alexa's house / pets this weekend for 4 days from Sat afternoon. Hmmm! Playing tag with the other kids to keep the kitten in 24h care. Her dog is brilliant. 
NASA Level organisation between all our homes lol. All good, we'll manage. 

BLUE I reached an AMAZING milestone today. The FIRST day in 18y that my mortgage passed the lowest spot (18y ago). It's a "false reading" lol because some of my kids have their savings against the mortgage to help me (and not spend it). Sure from now it'll get lower as it was pay day lol. All good. NICE to see that figure for the first time in SO long! 

Have been saving for the fence all freaking year. 
Need to have that money ready when the neighbours decide or if it falls down completely lol. 
Have no idea what that'll cost, probably needs Surveying beforehand. Probably $5000 my half, IDK, that's my goal anyhow. 
Then CCTV / minimal renovations downstairs till lock up. 

VERY tired tonight. Helping Kids' doing CVs, job apps, Uni apps, you name it this week. 

Talk soon
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

All the winged friends in and around our homes are valued. It is good.

Im really glad you reached out and called your friend. Sounds like it was a good and helpful conversation for you. Perhaps a healthy friendship? I hope so, you deserve more of those!

Ugh, work. I'm there in spirit, helping you maintain boundaries and keep toxic people at bay.

I'm sure there is no difficulty in getting anyone on board with kitten minding duty. Is kitten okay, or just at that tender young age where supervision is best applied liberally? Glad the dog is brilliant (presumably you mean with kitten?).

Woo-hoo, that's a great milestone! Even acknowledging that your kids have some money in there on a temporary basis, that's still really good and something worth celebrating. Please do something special to mark the occasion. Get Yvette driving to the beach, maybe? Something you will enjoy, even if it's simple, and take a night off giving those upcoming expenses too much space in your head.

Hope you get some quality rest tonight. 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Thanks Blue, I had a looong nap after spending some time in the garden after work. 

Alexa put off their weekend away. No kitten minding yet lol. Yes Woofy is great, even with kitten swinging off her tail but is getting a bit stressed! She's an awesome dog. 

Eeeek Yvette driving to the beach! OMG we nearly landed nose down in a DITCH last time she tried to turn a corner ugh! She ain't driving on roads any time soon Aunty lol. 

Our weekend is pretty packed. Kids' last soccer games then a Congratulatory meal at our fave restaurant WAY up North, about an hour away.

Poodle at the groomer's early same day, so I have to get back when they text he's ready to be picked up.

Then more kids at work back and forth over the entire weekend. Last weekend was a pick up at 1am then a wake up Sunday 6am leaving at 6:10am. This back to back happens so often, up to 5x per week, even with me having work the next day... anyway P.son is chipping away at his L hours. Has a 20h Course booked in, hopefully that all turns out. He paid for it then got notice they may NOT have the practical side covered (GRRR), anyway that's the rub lately. 

Sorted one financial issue last night. 
Need to do another over the weekend, gotta be done! 

Yes my friend, I'll call Ally. Visiting soon, yay. Hopefully a "healthy" friendship lol.

Need to visit the Building Engineer neighbour to book him in to do plans for the boys' spaces downstairs. Cutting 4 BIG holes in the tall brick wall for their bedroom windows is NOT something I want done without excellent advice. That's the FIRST physical step. The boys have saved a few thousand for this now. I would like it finished before more begin Uni next year!  

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad you got that nap, and some garden time. Hope lousy neighbour left you alone.

Kitten minding later. You were able to focus on some things closer to home. Aw, kittens do torment their elders, don't they? Poor pup.

Hm, okay, I'd hoped Yvette's driving skill had improved a bit since that little oopsy daisy. Anyway, let's not get distracted with particulars - I insist you celebrate your milestone in some way, do a thing you enjoy. It's an order!

Hope soccer and the meal go well and you don't get too worn out. Sounds like a bit of mucking around with poodle at the groomer's, too, and all the shifts your kids have you driving with them for. Yuck. Sorry to hear of this latest debacle with P.son's driving course, so much of this sort of nonsense is happening these days, I swear it's getting worse. For instance, I can count on one hand the number of take-away orders in the last 20 that weren't stuffed up. Businesses are getting real sloppy with their service, I'm seeing a lot that are unnecessarily understaffing (i.e. they can comfortably afford the staff, but want more PROFIT) to the point of it being impossible for workers to keep up. Another point of rage against capitalism. So much of the unpleasantness about life could be solved by people getting over their greed.

Dunno what your financial thing was, but proud of you for sorting it out. You'll ace this other one too, I'm sure.

Big hopes for your time with Ally being positive and good for you.

Good plan re building engineer, you want professional advice for things like that. Very relieved to hear the boys have been saving for this, I would hate to see another big financial burden on your shoulders.

I wrote in my thread last night, too tired to say much, just getting a bit of stuff off my mind. Brain is mush.

Hugs,

Blue.

[Guest_1584]

Hey em , and thanks for the nice thoughts , right back at ya.  Yeah it's weird l hear you about that funding thing , so much you can do with plants and nature recovers so fast too all it's own if it;s given the bloody chance, it's not all about money.

PS , hi to blue too and thanks for that , hope your doin ok.

Bloody fences eh em , feeling for ya similar sitch here. Got half of mine done about 18mths ago and two big back gates for work, 9mtrs across, the other half is still just the 80yr old falling off galv part, gonna cost a bit to finish, one day haha, there's a lot of fencing here. See all these people smashing out all these brand new fences right around their whole place all the time like money just grows on trees, must be nice, hth much must that cost hey.

Lunch with the whales on the wkend again , can't wait, gotta make hay while the whales shine they head nth soon. They're so funny, pretty sure they watch us and tease us a bit ,  they stay under, pop out a fin- here ya go, then they pop their heads up it's like did you see that with a grin, that'll do ya l'm busy right now. They laze around rolling over on their back the calves swim over mums belly , they're such bloody characters. Then they seem to glance over at us again- l'm good aren't l eh, they play with us, it's a classic.

Anyway good luck with all hey , kids houses fences work chooks bf;s os reno's, and on and on, you haven't got enough to do that's your problem , kidden.

Take care.  rx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, I'll pop over and have read about what's going on in your part of the world after I pick up kids from work, surprise surprise lol. Only a 6am start tomorrow morning so up at 5 I guess? No late night pick ups tonight I HOPE. 

I had 3 long naps for sleep last night instead of a long continuous sleep. Not even sure if my body can STAY asleep for 7h straight? Wouldn't know. 

Yes the boys agreed to the Building Engineer, too bad if they didn't I would have insisted lol. They're smart enough cookies to know it's life saving really.
Well Blue like it or not I made a DEAL with the boys that whatever construction costs are (and we're keeping very strict sets of notes on the costs) then if they ever BUY a place, I'll pay them their share back. Not just leave home, it has to go towards purchasing a property. 
I should have Boarders in down there if they ever leave. 

Yah that's the deal. 
Not niceties, just walls, windows, doors etc. 

I'm gonna hit up my brother (lol he has no idea yet, so wish me luck when we get there!) to hang all the doors, there'll be around 5 I think? Yes 5 doors.
4 BIG windows. 2 or 3 slim windows, but I'll have a different Builder do these. Hopefully the man's number I have from a Colleague will be the one! 
Banking on Ts partner doing a small bit of brick work... 
These people are all perfectionists which is what I want lol. 

Hopefully we can do all the other internal building. Certainly all the painting. Possibly all the flooring IDK yet. 
YT is our FRIEND lol. 

Talk soon dear
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey rx, Oh yeah fences... just another eff word lol. 
Yours sounds like a royal pain. Ours could be too, but tbh I'm quite enjoying the state of the fence atm lol... it's annoying the becheeses out of the horrible new neighbour. 
Ahhh that's a relaxing thought lol. 
That bloke is driving his own karma. (He actually had a fencer out this afternoon, I thought "what a hide that bloke has... saga tbc). 

Yay whale talk! Yep they head up to us once they're done down there. Alexa goes out to the various points to watch them as much as possible. Perhaps we will too.  
I've had far more close up interactions with dolphins than whales. Being on the water on my paddle board was fun when I KNEW they were dolphins! LOL!
Once I was on our tiny catamaran with a tramp like middle and it capsized RIGHT at the moment I saw fins... omg I literally jumped to the top of the catamaran and turned that thing over in a split second lol. Then realised there was a pod of dolphins surfing right along with us... talk about sweating whilst soaking wet lol.
Ballet moves came in REAL handy as my friends were watching from the beach and said I looked like a watery ballerina.
They were yelling SHARKS! Omg after my frontal lobe kicked in I rationally knew it would be more likely to have 30 dolphins than 30 sharks. 
No frontal lobe action when one sees fins though. 

Raining all weekend here supposedly. Nice weather for soccer and an outdoor restaurant lol! 

Have a nice weekend
Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, when I was out tonight and the kids got take away, I remembered what you said in your post! 

Yes, we've had the same problem with take away and delivery... I began taking data 2 1/2 years ago. 
It's improved! Only 50% of meals ordered now are missing food, order not coming at all or they got it all wrong. 
It used to be 3 out of 4 orders = 75%. 

Lord knows how much extra money they made from our family alone, and only with the orders I was privvy to. 

When I'm in the car (yeah I do this), we wait at the drive through window, until someone in our car CHECKS all the items in the bag(s), drinks etc. Then 50% of the time we say, "You forgot to pack a,b,c.." then wait at the window. 
If someone dares to tell us to move on and work it out... I ignore them. I used to tell them the DATA I took and that shut them up. 

Tbh I seldom spend any money on take away. The kids know it's on them if they want it. I cook dinner for whoever wants dinner, so yeah. Not on me lol. 

Some of the kids are in Management and / or have options for free dinners from their workplace. Sometimes when they don't want this food, they offer it to me. I'm SURE it's not good for my health lol! But sometimes I take them on and order something. They always get my order correct lol. 

Love EMxxxx