Needing support almost one year later.

[PurpleJade]

This is the first time I've told anyone but my closest friend and just recently in brief my psych. Obviously people know what happened but this feels different, my personal stuff I guess.

Almost a year ago I broke up with my partner of 8 years. It was mutual. Anyway, after taking him to Drs, psych, hospital.. turns out it wasn't enough.

I found him the day I went to pack my things, dead inside. He commited suicide.

Im struggling with ptsd. As much as I can 'function' it's so damn hard.

One of the hardest things is that I have lost everyone. I have just one person for support who also needs me..

I'm finding it hard to feel supported by my fam.. I go to their house and there is pics of me and him everywhere.. I can't stand it.. Plus I'm never allowed to feel down, nothing is ever mentioned to do with me (thankful for in a way).

I don't know what I'm expecting from this.. Just feel so low..

Also my psych said we can't start any work on my ptsd or trauma because I haven't explored my attachment issues.. which is hard cause I need help with my ptsd..

I don't know, does anyone have some tips.. Anything would be appreciated.. Maybe some activities or something that helps with ptsd..

Sorry for the long post.. And thank you for your time..

[Blue_Jane]

Hi PurpleJade

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a partner, let alone after everything you had been through together to get him to a balanced place.

Sounds like you are being really hard on yourself. Of course you are struggling with many things. A year is not very long and my understanding of grief is that it plays out in many different ways.

What do you think about the attachment issues your pysch mentions?

I know a lot of people on Beyond Blue have experienced ptsd and that they reach out soon.

In the meantime I am thinking of you. Hope you are looking after yourself as much as possible with diet, exercise and maybe even meditation?

Blue Jane

I am curious about your family. Can you ask them to take down the photos of the two of you together? Why are you not allowed to feel down? Have you tried to tell them how you are feeling?

[Croix]

Dar PurpleJade~

Like Blue Jane I'd want to welcome you here, I think you will find it a comfortable place to be where others know enough they can help.

I feel for you over your loss, and over the horrible circumstances in which it happened. For anyone that is going to be a mountain of grief and reaction for a long time. I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression, and while not for the same reason as you do understand some of your problems and feelings.

I found to get better took a number of things, one being medical support. You sound as if you are aware of this, having a psych of your own. Hopefully this involves therapy designed to lessen your thoughts and reactions as well as meds. I'm not sure where 'attachment issues' come into matters though.

The second thing, for me, was time. As the events became more distant then, by and large, their influence on my thoughts and behaviors became less pronounced.

Even so triggering is a major issue, as you know. Dealing with triggers, even with therapy, is immensely hard. Avoiding triggers becomes more and more possible with experience, leaning what is likely to set me off. It does not work 100%, there is always the unsuspected.

I'll point you at another thread on dealing with triggers, it can be a starting place:

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / How do others deal/manage their triggers?

This of course leads to the third thing that helped me, family support. Sensitive to my needs, caring, loving. It made a huge difference, particularly as I was not easy to deal with.

In your case the opposite seems to be happening. Triggers in the shape of photos are scattered around and your feelings and problems ignored. Even if those photos do not actually trigger a complete flashback they will raise your stress levels immensely. This in turn will heighten all the feelings you don't need, memories, guilt, regret, loss and all the others.

If in your shoes I'd either get your family to change (yes I know not easy, perhaps your friend can help there), or keep my distance.

I did see one positive thing, you said you had a friend you could talk to. PTSD and those events will tend to isolate you from others. For a start you are seeing a different world. So having someone is a truly great thing, as is being needed. I found both, particularly as time went on, made a great difference as to how I regarded myself.

I'm hoping you feel comfortable enough to come back and talk more

Croix

[PurpleJade]

Thank you so much BlueJane.. I wasnt sure Id get any response on here.. Opening this to see both you and Croix both responded gave me such a strange feeling of acceptance and hope, so first, just thank you.

I know my psych wants to deal with attachment issues because I know that I grew up pretty rough and had no family or real supports, but Im just frustrated because in between appointments with her I am stuck in the recent trauma.

I try look after myself the best I can, I find my own ways of relaxing.. Im trying not to pile exercise on myself because it becomes a negative and guilt feeling for me when I cant be bothered doing it.

I havent directly brought up the picture issue with my family. Im also trying to allow them to be able to grieve the way they feel they need to.

Thank you for your thoughts.. It means so much right now..

[PurpleJade]

Croix, thank you..

I will look at the link thank you!

My psych hasnt started anything with me to do with my ptsd yet... She wants to explore my history first. Next session Im going to have to ask her to focus on just something with my triggers... Its getting even harder to deal with the triggers and feeling more alone as each session we go through talking about my history with my family.

Your message has helped me so much.. It means so much to be able to hear from someone who experiences something which I cant explain to other people. So thank you..

The pictures actually do highten my stress! From there i feel like im constantly reminding myself to breathe and completely avoid things that could even remotely become a trigger..

I also just wanted to say here that I dont even know if Im grieving his death anymore... I feel like I have accepted it.. I feel guilty admitting it, but I dont actually know if since after a few months on Ive actually felt sad about his actual death. Perhaps this is just my way of dealing with the trauma right now. The actual event has become the issue for me.

Thank you for pointing out the positive with having my friend.. I guess I had forgotten that even though it is just one person, its healthy and positive!

[Croix]

Dear PurpleJade~

I'm pleased to hear from you again. You said something that stood out to me personalty straight away:

The actual event has become the issue for me

Over time I've found the actual emotions I experienced at the time became less important and the emotions I have as a reaction more so - if that makes any sense. The physical circumstances become enhanced in memory too.

Anyway I'm glad it helped a little. When reading that link and other places look out for MarkJT, who has a better handle on things than I do (sorry to do that to you Mark:)

I use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. I use it for two things, on a regular basis to help ground me and reduce daily stress, and in response to triggers or other situations where I need to get out. It takes practice but is quite effective. You will not doubt see it mentioned in that link.

I guess with your psych looking at your foundations seems reasonable, however from yours dealing with symptoms first may seem essential. I guess have the conversation and see what she says. Does she have trauma/PTSD experience?

Please let us know how you are getting on.

Croix

.

[Blue_Jane]

Hi there

Okay makes sense about the attachment issues. Maybe next time you see your psych you ask if there are any things you can be doing in between appointments? I had 'homework' with one of my psychs and I quite liked the feeling of making progress in between.

I understand your point around exercise...it can become a negative when we make ourselves feel guilty for not doing it! But sounds like you have some things that work for you, that is great.

Good point around your family grieving too...

Croix has shared some great thoughts and resources.

Blue Jane