Narcissistic Abuse recovery

[21_23]

Hi everyone,  

I am really needing help and support,  or even advice.  

I have recently split from a 7 year relationship from what I now believe is a malignant narcissist. 

I am feeling damaged and empty, and also generally anxious and scared. 

I made the decision and it took 4 months to get him to actually leave the home. I have since been told many things he said and did that I was completely unaware of. It seems that he had a laid a very cunning long term plan which mostly centred on my trust and naivety. 

My whole sense of self has been rocked and my world turned upside down. I am now 52 and feel so stupid for trying so hard for so long with this person.  I think a lot about laying down to sleep and not waking up and what a relief ir would be.  I have 2 children who that would hurt greatly,  so that is not an option.  

As a result of the type of person he is and the way the relationship was, I am highly anxious and fearful. There were violence and threats in the beginning of the relationship which eventually ground me down to a fawning and weak person.  

He has no empathy for anyone in general so he would actually laugh if he knew how bad I am feeling.  I have gone completely no contact for months now, but he is now attacking me through the legal system. 

I suppose that I would just like any advice anyone may have. I have been having some counselling but it is expensive.  I am so incredibly disappointed in myself. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear 21_23,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums….

I want to say how proud I am of you for being strong enough to leave that relationship, that takes a lot of courage to do that….

I was married to a cruel narcissist man for 38 years, my husband passed away 11 years ago….if he didn’t I really don’t know if I still would be living….I never had the courage to leave him…..I can relate so much to your story…

After his passing, I was a complete mess because as my life was totally controlled by him…I didn’t know how to live…shop, dress properly, pay bills, even going to sleep was hard, I was always waiting to be told…I became very submissive, no self respect, felt useless and unworthy of life…isolated myself for weeks and sometimes months inside my house to afraid to go out…wished so much that I wouldn’t wake up….which ultimately landed me in a mental health hospital for nearly 6 weeks….

Narcissistic people need to be in control and need to feel like they are the King of there house and everyone else is there to be abused, belittled, bullied and do what we’re told without questions…..laugh at me whenever I cried….I have huge regrets, guilt and shame for putting my children through that…my children we not spared his narcissist ways…

I am so deeply sorry you had to go through that…Please don’t ever feel disappointed in yourself honey, you done the best you could in horrible circumstances…you survived, you got out, you’re such a strong person…I admire you so much…

I still get triggered into ptsd, but am learning to manage those triggers better…listening to sleep stories while going to sleep helps to distract my thoughts, which seem to be strong at night….If something I see triggers me, I look for something nice to watch or see, same if I hear something triggering, I listen to music…etc…I got strong enough within myself to volunteer at a charity shop…Their is a beautiful life to be lived and I know you will find it…keep strong, care for you, each new day is a day to be lived in, (in the here and now)…I know that’s hard to do, mindfulness is something I use everyday to get through…

I’m pleased you have 2 children that your unconditional love for them is stronger then your unhealthy thoughts…They need you and love you…think about the good times you’ve had with them and the good times that are yet to come…

Please always try to care for your beautiful self and know that nothing he said or done was your fault…he was at fault, not you…

Please, feel free to talk here anytime you feel up to it…we are here to help support you the best we can..

 Care and kind thoughts Dear 21_23,

Grandy 

[DifferentMe]

👋🏼 Hi @21_23. The feelings, emotions and symptoms, that you have described are commonly experienced by those of us who have been in toxic relationships.

I was in a 13 year Coercive Control relationship with a textbook covert narcissist.

Most States have included Coercive Control in the Domestic Violence Act. Federal Family Court takes DV into consideration for Property Settlement.

Have you asked your GP for a Mental Health Care Plan?

I would not have survived without counselling and medication.

[21_23]

Hi Grandy, 

It's hard to express how grateful I am for your detailed and thoughtful reply. It bought tears to my eyes to read your personal story. I am sorry that you had to endure that and I can tell just how far you have come by your hopeful and positive words. Thank you for sharing some of your story, for your suggestions and also for your kind and supportive words. I also feel very guilty about exposing my children to this man. He is not their father (who was a much less harmful narcissistic man) and the depth of the stupidity I feel after getting into a second and much worse abusive relationship is hard to explain.  

I now know that I did not take the time I needed and do my required internal work before bouncing blindly into a new relationship with someone who really did not have my best interests at heart. 

I can relate to what you said in terms of feeling frozen and not knowing what to do afterwards.  I realised that I was caught in this excruciating cycle of needing him to regulate my nervous system,  for symptoms that he was causing through gaslighting, breadcrumbing and silent and distant treatment.  It was literally like a drug addiction, my insides went haywire for months after he left. I also have the added layer of family violence to make me feel extra scared, so regulating myself has been a massive challenge.  

I want to congratulate you on the past 11 years, I know that it has been indescribably hard for you, and I want you to know that you have made a very real difference to me today and my mental health.  Thank you 🙂

[21_23]

Hi DifferentMe, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I am sorry to hear about your experiences and I hope you are doing OK at present. The layers and nuances of coercive control can not be overstated,  it revisits me in new ways regularly. I just had an absolutely terrifying fear that he was going to 'get me', based on a lot of varied behaviours over the years. 

I have been to the GP, I have had one mental health plan which I have used in full, though perhaps another will be due in the new financial year,  I am not sure but thank you for reminding me to check. 

I did a good amount of counselling for a few months and recently had a break for time and expense reasons. After my day on Sunday and Monday when I posted here, I went and booked two new sessions. I know that I am entertaining unhealthy thoughts and if my family knew I think they would panic. I have a lot of shame and guilt which I am trying to process.  I am also trying to train myself to stand up for myself and not feel so bad for telling the truth. 

I just keep trying to recommit to my well-being keep telling myself that these things can take years sometimes.  

Thank you again for your note, your advice and perspective is greatly appreciated  🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear 21_23,

Guilt, oh yeah with our children, for me it isn’t getting much better, my children adults now with children of there own and even a grandchild has many times told me that they love,  even though they understand the real fear I had embedded in me of leaving there father…They have been through counselling and have forgiven him, they do and have always loved their dad, even though I was in that situation, I loved him……but didn’t like a lot of parts to him….Have I forgiven him…yes!…but never can I forget what I survived….my ptsd won’t let that rest…bringing it back to the surface through triggers and having to relive things over and over again…

I can relate to you realising that you needed him to regulate you…even today 11 years on..I sometimes wish he was with me to tell me what to do, when my mind gets into total confusion as to what to do, wear, buy, cook etc…my entire life up to 11 years ago, I had been controlled and ordered around…retraining my brain (as I’ve heard people say)…just doesn’t work for me….I am still afraid of most men and even though I get overwhelmed with loneliness, I will remain on my own….my children are all 7+ hours drive away, I might see them or my grandchildren once a year….if that!…

I’m so pleased to hear that you booked 2 new sessions, well done sweetheart🤗…I really hope that they can help you…My Dr. after a couple of years of counselling got me into Victims Counselling who  really helped me to understand my triggers and how to manage them better….for me talk therapy only made thing worse, so my VC concentrated more on strategy to cope with my triggers….maybe if you feel like it, ask your Dr. if it’s possibly for you to get Victims Counselling….no pressure sweetheart, just a thought..

Thank you for congratulating me on the past 11 years, It warms my heart to know that in some way I have helped you…

Please talk here when you feel you need/want to….Here when I can be to help support you lovely 21_23…

My kindest thoughts with care and a gentle caring hug..🤗.

Grandy..

The thing to always remember is that your a survivor of DV…you did nothing wrong, your stronger then you realise and you’re a beautiful and caring person…who has gone through hell and came out the other end much more wiser and stronger….

[21_23]

Hi Grandy, 

Thank you so much for sharing some more of your journey with me. I am sorry that you still feel guilt. I have been doing a bit of research into guilt and shame recently and had the realisation that my personal guilt and shame was "the handle" that my ex used to steer me around.  Any time I tried to have him be accountable for something the conversation somehow ended up with me feeling guilty or ashamed of something.  I am coming to terms with the fact that this shame and guilt is a wound I already had, he sensed it, experimented with it and had succes so used it whenever he needed to, to obtain his desired outcome.  

I am happy that you have been able to talk about things with your kids to the point that they can share their feelings with you and let you know they have found forgiveness. That alone is a testament to your relationship with them. Also that you have found some forgiveness.  I am nowhere near forgiveness,  I am not angry as such, I am more sad and gutted at this stage. I am still in the legal battle and I believe that sadly the worst is yet to come. 

I know what you mean about loneliness,  I wonder if that may be a common denominator with narcissistic abuse victims. Through some of my therapies I have realised what a profoundly lonely childhood I had, along with other issues, which kept me feeling desperate for what I deemed to be a proper connection or sense of family. 

Can I ask if you have tried EDMR? It is a therapy modality that was developed specifically for soldiers returning from war and is widely regarded as a very real and successful treatment for PTSD and trauma. I have done a few sessions and know of others who have had life changing results.  I have also found plain talk therapy traumatic,  EDMR and also bilateral stimulation (which is part of EDMR) are a type of brain healing therapy. If you feel open to it maybe you could google EDMR Trauma Therapy and Bilateral stimulation.  I have a $5 app on my phone for the Bilateral stimulation which I used every night for a time.  You talked about how confused you sometimes feel, which I can relate to also. My brain fog was unbelievable last year in the closing stages of the relationship and I was just basically crying every day, I really do feel for you. 

You spoke in your previous message about capturing small beautiful moments in life and that is what I am trying to focus on, I hope that you are too. 

Again thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and your advice x

[DifferentMe]

👋🏼 @21_23  I’m struggling to find a trauma informed psychologist. I also have ADHD, from what I have read in neuropsychology studies, neural diverse people don’t always respond to CBT, EFT tapping or EMDR.

I’m not even sure if Narcissistic Victim Syndrome is accepted by Healthcare Professionals as a diagnosis.

Nevertheless anyone who has experienced Narcissistic Abuse, as a form of brainwashing.
We all experience the same symptoms and the condition certainly deserves it’s own area of expertise and training.

 The first thing to learn forgiving yourself. Accepting that a horrible person, financial, psychologically, and emotionally abuse you and none of it was your fault.

Although this happened it does not define you.

Boundaries. Learning to use Boundaries protects you from predators.

Hugs DM

[21_23]

Hi again DifferentMe,  thank you so much for your note. I know exactly what you mean.  I actually think Trauma informed specialists are in short supply across the board. 

My apologies for the late reply, I have been really down and struggling greatly.  

I am.so incredibly worried and stressed about what is happening,  I am not sure how to deal with the extreme anxiety,  it is so uncomfortable.  

I do hope you are doing OK x

[DifferentMe]

@21_23 All the stages of grief 🙌🏼

The first 3 months, I was so ANGRY at myself. I was very fortunate that my son has a massive backyard that needed landscaping. For 6 hours everyday I built compost bin, raked leaves 🍁 Broke up clay soil with a pick axe ⛏️ and shovelling it into wheelbarrow, cut down invasive tree removed the stump by hand with an axe 🪓 If I didn’t have a physical outlet for the anger I would have been worse and I was already a mess.

I struggled to leave the perimeter of the house.  I knew I needed help. Got a telephone appointment with my GP and started medication for anxiety and depression.

I would not have survived without medication. No exaggeration.

I was nothing to this narcissist. I was a resource to be used up and tossed away.

It took 6 months of counselling 3 days a week. I had no money. I found UQ with U run by university of Queensland has free counselling with graduate Psychology students. SANE.org.au Peer Support Services was amazing and their Community Forum is fantastic!

This gave me enough support and confidence to persist in finding a lawyer. It took five attempts to find a lawyer that was right for me.  A lawyer experienced in coercive control DV and lets me pay in instalments. This last 3 weeks the Paralegal has been nursing me through my financial disclosures for property settlement.

If it wasn’t for the medication that I’m on, I wouldn’t have survived.

Hugs DM