Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

[FinallyFree]

I can't believe I am free.

I was with my ex-fiance for 8 years and suffered at the hands of his cruel torments, naming, shaming and blaming. I forgot who I was for a long time. It wasn't until I was humiliated in public so harshly that I decided enough was enough.

As a child, growing up I came from a broken home. I was lucky to have my Dad and Stepmum who loved and supported me. My mother was cruel, manipulative and destructive... but she sucked me in. It was during my early twenties and living with my mother that I realised I needed out and it was then that I met my ex-fiance. He was charming, nice, complimented me and made me feel special. This was the first alarming sign I should have seen.. but I was so wrapped up in the honeymoon period I didn't listen to my "gut".

Once we moved in together, the abuse began. He would tell me that my family never loved me, that he was the only one who could look after me, nurture me etc. He told me I was dumb, stupid, worthless and nothing without him. He controlled what I wore, who I saw, where I went. I started losing my self confidence and my ability to converse with others. I was terrified to talk to other people or accept invitations because he would harass me, text me all night or ask people to "look out for me". I felt like I was constantly watched.

3 years later I left him... but I wasn't strong enough. I cried for weeks and felt more alone than ever. I took him back and endured another 5 years of hell.

This time round, he didn't control who I talked to or saw.. but he diminished my existence and self worth. He used violence and blackmail to get what he wanted. He threatened to hurt my family, friends and co-workers. Work was my only sanctuary.

After getting engaged, I realised I couldn't marry him. The proposal wasn't romantic at all, it felt as though it was an effort on his behalf to make me stay. He stopped listening to me and dictated every part of my life. The public humiliation was the last straw.. so I left for work... returned home after he had left and grabbed the clothes on my back. I drove for 2 days and back in the care of my family.. I am free! I have inner peace and after extensive research on narcissistic abuse I realise how much of a fool I was... how he sucked me in.

My aim on here is to talk to others about it. The more we talk about it.. the less control the abuser has. I hope my story gives others inspiration to leave.. it was the best thing I have ever done!

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Cls,

I just wanted to send you some good wishes today, I am sorry that you are feeling so bad you are crying most nights. You've been hurt in all these different ways, and left abandoned, without the comfort you deserve. Its just really terrible what happened to your relationship, and I agree its so typical of how Narcissistic Abuse affects people. The anxiety you feel, and the extreme sense of helplessness and unfairness. Many people say the lack of logic or sense behind the abuse leaves them feeling crazy. I've felt it all too, Narc abuse is almost palpable. I used to talk to people in my support group who called it `getting narc'd', its unmistakable once you've experienced it.

I felt relived to hear that you have chosen to stay out his mother's way. I really feel that is the right thing to do. I liked how Finallyfree described that as `cutting off her supply'. That has always worked in my experiences. They lose interest in harming you if you just don't react, and its even better if you have nothing to do with them at all.

I agree that you are right about your boyfreind's mother being too strong for him. She has brainwashed him all his life, its unlikely he'll have defenses to cope living with her that would allow you in. But you know, he doesn't have to be like her or even strong. All he needs to do is be away from her, that's how he will heal, and how your relationship would heal. If he does get in touch again, please just keep reinforcing that. I think that's all you can do for him, and please keep protecting yourself. You are a very good woman, and impressive with how much you've been able to figure out all on your own. Your boyfriend was so very lucky to have met you.

X

[Cls]

Thanks bindi, they are much needed. Everytime I think I'm ok, it comes creeping back in my mind. And I just cry.

I know neither of us wanted it this way, but there isn't any other choice, not unless my partner will walk away. But he isn't even fighting for himself, let alone for me. I have fought so hard for him, for us, I have run out of fight.

[Cls]

Sorry to post here again.

I'm just struggling so much. None of my friends are really understanding this whole situation, none of them know just how bad things are with his mum. My friends are just making me feel worse.

My heart is broken and not just for my partner, but I feel like it's just been abused by his family. They've made me out as the worst person in the world, when all I ever do is try to help. I'm so hurt by all of them.

Every day I find myself standing up for my partner. I'm getting told he didn't fight for me, is he worth it? But no one is understanding that he tried, but he couldn't, he wasn't let to.

I'm finding myself trying to move on, and hoping in the future he reaches out. But I just can't. Everything just makes me want to cry. I have so little energy.

I don't know if holding on to hope, is preventing me from moving on, I've tried to give it up, but my head and heart won't let me. I also don't know since there was no proper closure, that that is also hindering me and holding me back.

[Copacabana]

Hi Everyone.

I just want to say that I was married to a Narcisist/psychopath for over 30 years before the mask dropped. When I finally left him and moved away, I thought I was going to die, I missed him so much. WIthin months, I met a man who was so much like my ex. Charming, funny, caring, adoring, and all the sweet stuff.

I cannot continue this as I feel nauseous suffice to say that I saw evil and now I can recognize it for what it is. My advice to anyone who is Involved with a NPD or Psychopath is NO CONTACT. They are pests like a revolving door, a boomerang .. they keep coming back!! A good book that helps is PSYCHOPATH FREE by PEACE. The author was a victim. Sam Vatkin is good also because he is a psychopath himself and knows how evil his mind is.

There are psychologists around that know the condition but it is of no use to us because they dont know the extent of the problem. Only if one has experienced it can fully understand. A policeman once told me "he is a nice guy!" this after I was robbed of hundreds of thousands of dollars, had an IVO against him for assault... had proof too!!

Forget it. You will never win with a psychopath. They are simply too evil. STAY AWAY!

C

[Guest_926]

Hi, I’m not sure if my partner is a narcissist. I’ve read about it and he has some of the traits. But he can be so loving. I’ve never been shown such love. But then he can go without speaking to me for days. I don’t know if our problems are just made up in my head. He has lied to me before. He still seeks out other women when we aren’t going well. He has started going out drinking more with work colleagues who are mostly female. I know he will get very mean when I move out. I need to do it all in one day but I don’t know how. We are in counselling but he still blames me for everything. I’ve turned into this person who checks his phone and emails trying to catch him out. I feel like I’ve got a mental problem. I don’t like who I am. But why is he so loving at times?

[Birdy77]

Hello Gilmore29,

I'm really glad you've reached out here for some support, your relationship sounds really edgy and I'm sorry you're experiencing this at the moment.

For your partner to not talk to you for days is just awful. This is no way to live.

I am glad you've looked up some info on narcissistic personalities. Have you looked up anything about narcissistic abuse?

The thread we are on now, if you read through some of the entries, there's mention of a few resources that have proven helpful to different people over time. It might help to read through, not down some ideas.

Personally, I have Melanie Tonia Evans really helpful with her resources which can be found on her website Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Central (I've just found the free online articles helpful, I haven't paid for her course) and there some other resources mentioned on this thread you might like to look up.

You ask why he is so loving at times? The answer, in my experience, is to keep you hooked. And if he senses at any moment that you might leave, break free, he puts all his energy into his charms, winning you over so that you'll stay.

It's an energetic vacuum, he will sap all your loving energy and lifeforce and give nothing back in real emotional terms.

I am happy to talk to you or just listen and hear your pain.

I have been in a similar spot to you, and I felt like I was out of my mind. I became a shell of myself.

But it can get better.

Brighter days await you, Gilmore.

We will be here to support you towards those brighter days.

🌻birdy

[Jay_C]

Bindi, that is really interesting.

I didn't know about those other roles, i thought i was just a scapegoat. That makes more sense im also 'Standing in the shadows'. I haven't worked for so long, every time i get an interview or course, i cant go through with it due to not feeling 'normal', not good enough and stress and anxiety.

I was raised co-dependant by a blame shifting, victim playing covert n mother. She has sent me to psychologists for "social anxiety" and it never felt right. Shes gone as far as to convince me to come in with me for "support" or stood outside the window which i now realize is more of a distraction from thinking where my anxiety is really coming from.

She's had her narcissistic ex bf/long term friend stalk and intimidate me, drive in my driveway revving his engine, indirectly threatening me and getting his mates to give me condescending stares and intimidation in the street. I remember where this all comes from, long time ago my mother sent me to go "help" him drive stuff from his mates place, which the real intention was to sit me in a room for 20 mins then come into the room and coerce me that there's nothing wrong with my mother and threaten me by pointing out stuff in his bikie mates room. I cant remember whats in there, I blocked it out but im thinking it was something like a police uniform or idk. My mother has been using that incident over the years to keep me in check. Telling me to go and see him for "help" when ive had a problem with her. Even my golden child sister and other ppl in the family seem to know about it where ive forgotten about it, they bring that plus other things in what looks like a cycle of abuse and gaslighting. After my ex gf of 10 years just ditched me i guess cause i was seeing through her abuse my narcissistic dad, mother, sister all seemed to jump in and do all their tricks while i was vulnerable. Then i get her friend on the street "listen, i dont mind helping your mother out... my mates down too" And thats woken me up to how bad this all is. They've ruined my life.

Ive been watching all the youtube vids, making sense of all the things i can remember. Ive felt stuck for so long. Im back at my mothers isolated and they are in the cycle of trying to win me back. I need to get out of here, i have nobody and 2 dogs and no job makes it hard.

[PoppyMc]

I am concerned that I am in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. I’ve tried to leave it several times, but he always turns on the love and charm and promises change. Things are excellent for a while, days, weeks, months and then he starts again, acting really cold and indifferent, disinterested in me, for no reason, just wakes up that way. And when I raise that his behaviour is upsetting me, and that I miss the nice times, he is extremely defensive, blames me for being too demanding and we argue. He tells me I shouldn’t dictate how much he talks to me (he goes from chatting with me all day, to silence for days apart from the bare basics). He tells me I am unreasonable to expect affection from him consistently (he goes from extremely affectionate to not touching me ever).
He then apologises for how he was, says he doesn’t mean what he said and that he hates how he acted. Showers me with constant attention and affection. And it is SO GOOD. Repeat. I dont want to talk to my friends or family about it because they warned me off him. I really need some advice.