Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

[FinallyFree]

I can't believe I am free.

I was with my ex-fiance for 8 years and suffered at the hands of his cruel torments, naming, shaming and blaming. I forgot who I was for a long time. It wasn't until I was humiliated in public so harshly that I decided enough was enough.

As a child, growing up I came from a broken home. I was lucky to have my Dad and Stepmum who loved and supported me. My mother was cruel, manipulative and destructive... but she sucked me in. It was during my early twenties and living with my mother that I realised I needed out and it was then that I met my ex-fiance. He was charming, nice, complimented me and made me feel special. This was the first alarming sign I should have seen.. but I was so wrapped up in the honeymoon period I didn't listen to my "gut".

Once we moved in together, the abuse began. He would tell me that my family never loved me, that he was the only one who could look after me, nurture me etc. He told me I was dumb, stupid, worthless and nothing without him. He controlled what I wore, who I saw, where I went. I started losing my self confidence and my ability to converse with others. I was terrified to talk to other people or accept invitations because he would harass me, text me all night or ask people to "look out for me". I felt like I was constantly watched.

3 years later I left him... but I wasn't strong enough. I cried for weeks and felt more alone than ever. I took him back and endured another 5 years of hell.

This time round, he didn't control who I talked to or saw.. but he diminished my existence and self worth. He used violence and blackmail to get what he wanted. He threatened to hurt my family, friends and co-workers. Work was my only sanctuary.

After getting engaged, I realised I couldn't marry him. The proposal wasn't romantic at all, it felt as though it was an effort on his behalf to make me stay. He stopped listening to me and dictated every part of my life. The public humiliation was the last straw.. so I left for work... returned home after he had left and grabbed the clothes on my back. I drove for 2 days and back in the care of my family.. I am free! I have inner peace and after extensive research on narcissistic abuse I realise how much of a fool I was... how he sucked me in.

My aim on here is to talk to others about it. The more we talk about it.. the less control the abuser has. I hope my story gives others inspiration to leave.. it was the best thing I have ever done!

[Cls]

It really is.

I just want to get it out of my head but I can't.

I don't think I will. His friend is trying to get a hold of him unsuccessfully.

I'm feeling so lost and confused.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Cls,

I am sorry you feel so confused and lost. Its difficult when your therapist suggests one approach, and the information you read about Narcissism suggest the opposite. Narcissists are rarely diagnosed, so I can understand your therapists point of view, with assuming your boyfriend's mother is just a little lonely and upset about her son's independence. A lot of us have encountered that same frustration with therapy, and had to discover for ourselves that boundaries and assertiveness don't work with Narcissists. But its never a bad idea to try your therapist's suggestions, when a mental health issue is suspected, but not confirmed.

I was wondering, have you thought about starting your own thread in the relationship forum? I feel you might get a lot more support that way. I'll look out for it and keep supporting you there if you do.

X

[Jedi_Jam]

I'm so sorry you went through this. I admire your desire to help others in similar situations. I have a similar experience and I hope to help others too.

There should be so much more funding into mental health. If I didn't see my psychiatrist in 2016 I would be dead by now. I was diagnosed with PTSD and it was a shock. I thought I had enough introspection to know what I was doing but boy, denial is a powerful things. I had a physically and emotionally abusive father which may have been the root of my issues, but my experience with an ex boyfriend made things 10 times worse.

There are many damaging things my ex did, but an attempted kidnapping and harassment is what caused the most damage. I still remember vividly what happened. I was in denial for several years after it happened and masked my feelings with anything I could find - cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. I was easily able to talk about it, but I had no coping mechanisms. I contacted Legal Aid for advice and all they could give me was how much money I could make. I don't care about the damn money, I wanted this guy to suffer the consequence of his actions.

I tried taking my own life a year later, and I struggled with drug and alcohol abuse for several years afterwards. Things improved dramatically when I finally got a referral to see a psychiatrist. I was surprised when she said she didn't agree with antidepressants and discouraged me from taking them. She encouraged a healthier lifestyle, to practice mindful meditation, to eat well and get exercise and go outside more.

Overall I believe that anyone can turn their life around. Mental health services in Australia has gone downhill rapidly over the last couple of years even though mental health issues are rising. But there are people out there who care. Including me. And I will help anyone who needs it.

[Cls]

Hi,

I did start my own thread before I found this, but it wasn't of help as no one had really responded, I think it was called boyfriend with depression and controlling mother.

I have found everyone ever so helpful though.

Myself and friend feel like we have done all we can do, offering support and a place to stay, things like that, but we can't do much more unless he wants to, bit given his frame of mind before he went back, that won't happen anytime soon. He was supposed to start on a mental health plan but he never went as far as I know.

I'm hoping by backing off she might forget my existence after a few months and she might back of him as well and give him more freedom again, at which point I hope he reaches out to me or his friend.

I don't want to push it right now, I know I'm not strong enough to take anymore right now.

[FinallyFree]

Hi CLS,

I was reading your posts this morning and cried. I totally get where you are at and narcs are so good at making you feel guilty and destroying the strong person you are. It sounds like his mothers grip has taken hold of him again and for this I am so sorry.

You have done everything you can. Unfortunately it is now his turn to see the light and to come to the realisation of the narcissistic abuse from his mother. I hope that this happens sooner rather than later for him.

All you can do is be aware and give him the support he needs when he does reach out.

I received a call from my ex today, he tried the guilt trip and crying to win me back. Since being apart of this community and reading all your posts, all I could think was narc, narc, narc. CLS, once your bf gets past this point he will see his mum for who she is.Keep thinking positive and spreading the word, it will make you stronger and you will be able to handle the controlling mother and allow you to support your bf when he needs it the most.

Remember, they try to knock us down. Turning the tap off to their supply is the best and only way you can be free of a narc. I did this with my mother and its been the best two years of my life. I really hope the same for him..

Please remember, we are all here for you.

[FinallyFree]

Hi Kelizabeth,

Welcome! Firstly I want to say I'm so sorry for what you have been through. Narcs seek out people who are vulnerable. Its easier for them to manipulate and pass on their shame to someone who is already vulnerable or in tune with their empathy and emotions. Once they don't get what they need they discard their victim and from your story this is exactly what he did.

Building yourself will take time. For me, I had already tweeked onto the signs and had disassociated myself from the relationship. In your case, you were at your lowest and he left. My advice would be to read the stories, read about NPD and slowly allow yourself to come to terms with the fact that "it wasn't you" "it was him". As mentioned in previous posts, melanies website is fantastic. She talks about the healing process and understanding that it wasn't your fault. Once you read enough and learn the type of people narcs are, you can start accepting what happened and rebuild yourself.

You aren't broken. No matter how much you are thinking you are right now. I felt and still do feel like this at times, but when I do, I jump on here or read articles to reassure myself that its not me. Or I talk to friends who have been through it.

I recently met someone.. totally unexpected. Its hard to trust again but I put boundaries in place straight away. I know the signs now and I am in tune with narc behaviour. Once you have the answers to all the "why" questions you are thinking, you will begin to feel free. Your friends will come back and after time you will resume your studies.

I am more than happy to chat to you for as long as you need. Bindi and the other ladies in here are amazing. Talking about these experiences not only allows you to heal but gives your power back. He will never hurt you again..

[FinallyFree]

Hi Jedi Jam,

Thank you for your kind words and posting on this thread.

Firstly, I want to say how strong you are for sharing your story. You have been on a massive journey and coming out on the otherside is amazing.

I have a friend who experienced similar things and counselling and ongoing support keeps her here. I think more understanding of narc abuse and how to counsel survivors is key here. Medical professionals don't have a lot of training or understanding on this matter which makes it difficult to discuss the route of the problem. In your case, it took a great psychiatrist to work through your experience rather than mask the issues with medication or drugs and alcohol.

You should be so proud of where you have come.

I wish you all the happiness and love this world has to offer.

[Cls]

Hi Finallyfree

I'm doing my best to distract myself, but at the end of every day all I can think about is this whole situation. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I just can't stop thinking. I can't believe all this has happened.

I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me, but I miss him so much. I don't care about anything his mum has said or done, I just care about him. It's not fair he isn't able to live his life just because she doesn't like it. Its not her life! It's his. And he can't stand up for himself against her, shes too strong and he doesn't know how.

And then I got that nasty message. Which doesn't even make sense, not coming from him. Part of me keeps telling myself it wasn't him, even though I don't know for sure. But if it was it doesn't make sense. It wasn't factual, when he knows the truth about something said, and he swore at me and called me stupid, he'd never do that. Last time he saw me he said that he loves me, he kissed me with passion, but he had the saddest look in his eye. I just don't know anymore.

I have nothing left I can do for him, I know this. I'm trying to live best I can, but it's so hard trying to seperate him from everything I do.

I just don't know how it went from happy to this so fast.

I wish he never went home on Christmas Day. I said I'd never see him again if he did because of how much his mum hates me, but he was adement he'd be back, he left his things 'so he had to comeback'.

Then all of a sudden there was something wrong with him, he wasn't right, he told me. I don't know what she feeds him, but he always believes it. I don't know if he will ever open his eyes to what is going on, or if he will get the strength to walk away. I hope so hard that he does.

All I can do is cry. I just don't know anymore.

[white knight]

Hi Cls,

I admit I haven't read all of this thread. Time is short ATM. But I have a narcissistic mother now 86yo that I broke away from finally 7 years ago and my sister did also.

It took time but we are now secure in the little family we enjoy and we wont ever reunite with her. She even ruined my first wedding in 1985, then threatened to in 2011. That was the last straw.

What helped me immensely is a book called "Walking on egg shells" by Dr Christine Lawson. Extracts cant be found on the web if you google " waif hermit queen witch " My mother is all 4, I believe, as she would never ever get a diagnosis. It was left to us children of hers to find out ourselves.

Tony WK

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tony,

That must have been so awful for you, I'm sorry you had a mother like that. `Waif hermit queen witch' are usually associated with Bipolar disorder, but its common enough for Narcissistic Mothers to have Bipolar too. That must have been so confusing, seeing the Bipolar traits, which may be treatable, but also the Narcissistic Personality, which is inflexible. So painful for you and your sister. I'm glad you managed to cut off finally.

Did you think you first wife was a narcissist too, and was that what made you aware of NPD, like some of us?