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Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

FinallyFree
Community Member

I can't believe I am free.

I was with my ex-fiance for 8 years and suffered at the hands of his cruel torments, naming, shaming and blaming. I forgot who I was for a long time. It wasn't until I was humiliated in public so harshly that I decided enough was enough.

As a child, growing up I came from a broken home. I was lucky to have my Dad and Stepmum who loved and supported me. My mother was cruel, manipulative and destructive... but she sucked me in. It was during my early twenties and living with my mother that I realised I needed out and it was then that I met my ex-fiance. He was charming, nice, complimented me and made me feel special. This was the first alarming sign I should have seen.. but I was so wrapped up in the honeymoon period I didn't listen to my "gut".

Once we moved in together, the abuse began. He would tell me that my family never loved me, that he was the only one who could look after me, nurture me etc. He told me I was dumb, stupid, worthless and nothing without him. He controlled what I wore, who I saw, where I went. I started losing my self confidence and my ability to converse with others. I was terrified to talk to other people or accept invitations because he would harass me, text me all night or ask people to "look out for me". I felt like I was constantly watched.

3 years later I left him... but I wasn't strong enough. I cried for weeks and felt more alone than ever. I took him back and endured another 5 years of hell.

This time round, he didn't control who I talked to or saw.. but he diminished my existence and self worth. He used violence and blackmail to get what he wanted. He threatened to hurt my family, friends and co-workers. Work was my only sanctuary.

After getting engaged, I realised I couldn't marry him. The proposal wasn't romantic at all, it felt as though it was an effort on his behalf to make me stay. He stopped listening to me and dictated every part of my life. The public humiliation was the last straw.. so I left for work... returned home after he had left and grabbed the clothes on my back. I drove for 2 days and back in the care of my family.. I am free! I have inner peace and after extensive research on narcissistic abuse I realise how much of a fool I was... how he sucked me in.

My aim on here is to talk to others about it. The more we talk about it.. the less control the abuser has. I hope my story gives others inspiration to leave.. it was the best thing I have ever done!

47 Replies 47

Cls
Community Member

I tried to reply but don't know if it worked, my phone was playing up.

I am feeling very hurt right now.

There is a lot of pressure on both of us, but especially him. I have always said to him there is no need to choose between me and his mum, I am not trying to replace her. But she has put him in that situation. The second he walks out the door with me, she has told him he is abandoning the family, and he believes it. He is in his mid 20's and I feel if he can't break this now, he never will.

If he chooses this situation in the long run, I will probably have to regretfully leave him, as I can't be a part of his life as long as he is there as his mum will not allow it. She already reads all his personal messages and chats and makes sure he doesn't connect with me now. This whole thing sucks, I already can't get him out of my head, ending it with him, will take me a while to move on. I love him, I don't want it to come to that, but I am trying to prepare for the worst, I don't want to think about it.

It was her birthday recently, which would have made him feel obligated to stay last time I saw him, so hopefully now that's been he might not feel so stuck.

I am trying to give him space to think, and hopefully build the courage to leave again. She has blamed me for a lot of things that I know aren't my fault, I have let her for her own peice of mind, she has spread lies about me to his extended family and what friends she does have. Which makes it harder on him, because they're all telling him I'm a horrible person. He knows better thankfully, and tries to stand up for me but fails against her.

Kelizabeth
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I am so glad to have found this thread. I think so many of us live in these relationships thinking we might be the problem. I certainly have and I’ve been left with very little of myself to rebuild.

I met my ex on tinder at a really rough time in my life and he took advantage of that. I was ridiculed, called names, made to feel stupid. He used to taunt me with sleeping with other people...would tell me he had even if he hadn’t and told me I was a waste of his time. For so long I struggled with guilt that I wasn’t good enough, that I was somehow defective and no one could ever want me. I apologised over and over for making him angry and not once did he admit to hurting me. He eventually broke up with me because I was too depressed. Since then I’ve had to quit uni and have lost most of my friends because I don’t want anyone near me.

its so hard to imagine ever getting my life back now, to imagine ever trusting anyone again. How have you done it? How do I build myself back up when the foundation is shattered?

bindi-QLD
Community Member

Cls,

I am so sorry to hear about his mother's smear campaign against you. Its normal behaviour for a narcissist, and extremely painful to be at the brunt of it, I'm so sorry for how hurt that must make you feel. My own mother, a narcissist, has done this to me, when I went through the process of backing away from her, and limiting contact. The claws came out when I tried to make my myself just teeenie bit less available. Smear campaigns can be extremely nasty and effective, and a reaction to the mildest if boundaries you put up, to limit exposure to their abuse.

About your boyfriend's age, I haven't met many people who were ready to tackle their narcissistic parent under the age of 30. I would consider it unusual for someone so young to be `out of the fog' and have all the right boundaries in place. Perhaps that comes down to lack of information? If your boyfreind properly knew what was going on, perhaps he would be more willing to see the need to limit his contact with his mother.

Did he ever say why he chose a lot of distance with his family in previous years? That seems like a healthy response on his part. But it seems he's been `trapped' again, because of his Mother's great capacity for emotional manipulation and controlling behavior.

I do support your decision to be supportive at a distance. I really hope you partner will come to his own conclusion, that excessive control and smearing his girlfriend are abusive behaviours, and he doesn't need it.

How long have you been together?

Dear Kelizabeth,

I am so sorry you experienced such a traumatic relationship, and your partner made such a conscious & deliberate attempt to destroyyour self esteem. Some narcissists are not completely conscious of their behaviour. But when you meet one that has figured out exactly what they want on a conscious level, the abuse they direct is so powerful and destructive. At that point, you may dealing with a psychopath with a lot of narcissistic traits. They are very, very dangerous people.

Please be gentle with yourself, and keep reading. I think the benefit of understanding what you experienced, is you will gradually understand it wasn't your fault. You had the misfortune of meeting a very manipulative and cruel person, with a serious mental health issue. There was nothing you could do to change the situation , and no level of perfection you could attain to satisfy him. Being depressed is a natural reaction to trauma, Severe Abuse, and the extreme Betrayal you experienced, please don't beat yourself up for havign aperfectly normal and natural reaction to what you experienced.

Have you been able to look for some professional help with PTSD yet? If you haven't I would suggest looking into it. you've been terribly traumatised, hon. You deserve and need a lot of support at the moment, its terrible what you've been through.

Sending you many hugs X

Cls
Community Member

We've only been together for a year,which I know isn't long, but we get along well and make each other happy when things aren't chaotic anyway.

He hasn't said a lot about his mum. He has said when the dad passed things were tough. His brother developed a drug problem, on top of bipolar. His brother gets very aggressive and threatening. Apparently in the past he has hurt my partner, which is why they aren't close as there is not a lot of trust. Like I said, he doesn't talk about his relationship with his mum much, not even before his dad's death. He was very close to his dad, not so much his mum, maybe she's always had a tendency for this behaviour that he has sensed but denied. But I can't say for sure.

He has tried to leave before, multiple times, but she constantly guilts him into coming back. Which is the biggest problem. He doesn't want to be a bad person, which his mother makes him believe he his every time he steps foot out the door.

I'd actually sent him some stuff on narc's before, but that was before I knew she had the phone and unfortunately she saw it which hasn't helped.

bindi-QLD
Community Member

Hi Cls,

I hope you are doing ok today. That's really unfortunate that your boyfriend's mother read his private correspondence with you, and you never got to properly discuss it:(

I have one sister who was very big on upholding `the family rules', although it never won her any favors with our mother. My mother says she hates her , and she seems to use her as part scapegoat, and part `henchman' to do her bidding. Its awful, the way families like this work .

We are the same age, and when I was learning all about narcissism and distancing myself from our mother's abuse, my sister ignored all the information I sent her, and instead pressured me into doing what our mother wanted ' because its the rules'. We grew apart because of that.

It was really hard on her new husband, who is a social worker and very psychologically aware and fair minded. When he started to get to know our mother and questioned some of her bizarre behaviour, our mother started a smear campaign, about him being Gay and hitting on guys when my sister wasn't around. It went on and on, and just because he questioned her behaviour.

My sister did eventually get therapy, at his urging, and now recognizes what our mother is. But all this took her until her 40's. She went through two husbands and lost the closeness we once had as sisters before she got any help.

Its hard on young people with narcissistic parents, families have so many inter dependencies, including financial. Its easier to keep trying to make it work and hold onto hope, than to be independent and let go.

I really feel for you Cls, being caught in all of this. In the first year of a relationship, you go through a lot, and it means so much. I really hope you can get through to him somehow. Its terrible losing someone to their mother's disorder, knowing its not good for you or them 😞

Cls
Community Member
Hi bindi
I'm having good and bad days. Mostly feeling terrible though. I can't help but think about him. And I don't when I'll get to see him next. It's hard.

I hope I can through to him too. It's awful.

It's horrible that anyone has to experience this. It took me until his going back to her and have her make accusations about me, to even clue on to what was going on. At first I thought her behaviour was the stress of the other son. But I look back to before my partner and I were in a relationship and I now see.

I don't want to lose him, I definitely don't want to leave him. I know most his current behaviour is being influenced by his mum, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's so hard and not fair on us. He was going to be moving with me this week and now I'm doing it with out him, it's making me frustrated and upset.

Cls
Community Member

Hi all

I went and saw a psychologist today. I had booked last month when my partners depression got bad and I didn't know how entirely to handle it, and before I clued onto his mother and how bad she really is.

The psychologist thinks that I am threat to her because I am strong and independent, and she doesn't want her son to become independent of her, that she likes that he feels the way he does at the moment because it makes her feel needed.

The psychologist also thinks, that in time, I should approach his mum again, she has given me a few tips on what to say and do. I won't be doing it anytime soon though. I need to get back to a good space first, otherwise I'll just get frustrated, which causes me to say and do stupid things.

All the things you have all said have helped me a lot though in trying to make sense of it all. I really appreciate it.

In the mean time I'm going to keep holding to hope that my partner and I are strong enough to get past this.

Cls
Community Member

I just received a very short and nasty message from my partners phone, basically telling me I'm stupid and its over. I know he wouldn't say something like that. Even if he was to end it. He hasn't a nasty bone in his body, I mean apologises for everything. He has never been nasty, I don't think I've eveb seen him mad other than at himself.

I don't know what to do 😞

bindi-QLD
Community Member
I'm sorry that you received such a devastating message, it must feel so painful. I hope you will hear from your boyfriend soon.