My PTSD story *trigger warning: child abuse, physical violence, domestic abuse*

[Lici]

Hi all,

I've been thinking about starting this thread for a day or so now, I'm hoping that my story may help others in their PTSD journey, and maybe myself too.

I was physically and emotionally/verbally abused throughout my childhood by my brother, mother and stepfather. I grew up in a loveless environment and learnt from an early age that being as invisible as possible was the only way to survive. Once I started high school, the abuse at home was added to by bullying at school and when puberty hit that's when my mental health issues started to really show.

When I was 16, my stepfather locked my dog up in a tiny corner of the back yard and I couldn't get over to feed him so my mum gave him away. When my stepdad got home that night, I yelled at him and instead of hutting me like he usually would, he packed his bags and left. My mum blamed me and kicked me out of home. I lived on the streets for a few months before moving into a youth home.

I struggled through life for a few years thinking that no-one understood me or loved me etc. I met a boy and we moved in together when I was 18. It was through him that I met D (not her real name).

D and I became like sisters. I had never had such a close friend and I had never felt happier in my life. After a few years my relationship broke down and so did D's. We helped each other through our breakups and she introduced me to some friends of hers. We started going nightclubbing as a group and things started looking up again. That's when things changed forever.

One night in 2000 D and the girls turned up at my home. They were angry and forced their way into my house. For three hours they beat me up and broke my jaw. D then took everything of sentimental value to me and threatened to harm my 3yr old brother and 6yr old niece if I went to the police.

I went to the hospital and called my mum. I told her what happened and then I called the police. I lied to them at first. I was so scared. After spending three days in the hospital I went back to my mum's place. I could no longer enter the house I had lived in for years without having panic attacks.

After a while I met another man and we ended up living together. He had BPD and I wasn't equipped to deal with it. He became abusive and I ended up moving out. I was put into a housing trust unit and that's when I became agoraphobic. I hadn't received the PTSD diagnosis yet and for a few years locked myself away.

There's a happy ending to this, but I'm out of room.

[Lici]

During this time I felt like I was going crazy. I wouldn't sleep for sometimes 50 hours straight and would sleep for 24 and I was in constant fear of D and the girls finding me. I hardly ate, I hardly looked after myself at all. I had to have someone do my shopping and help me clean etc. It was my rock bottom.

It was at this stage that I was talked into going and seeing a gp. The gp found a psychiatrist that did home visits and bulk billed. At first she visited me once a week and tried me on sleeping pills. When none of them worked I remember her saying "there is something wrong with your brain woman! This should knock out a man twice your size!" Her humour really helped me thorough. Then one day she told me to walk to my letter box. I felt like I couldn't breathe!

I argued at first, but she reasoned through with me and introduced me to cognitive behaviour therapy. I started doing homework that consisted of writing down my thoughts and fears, keeping my door open for an hour, a day, a week, stepping into the foyer, walking to the end of the foyer, walking to the letterbox, walking to the corner of the street and finally meeting her at the library cafe for our appointments.

It was a struggle over months to be able to leave my house. After a year or so, I was able to go shopping again. Albeit with someone but I had my life back somewhat.

My psychiatrist started having me do the same therapy for my nightmares, for almost every thought I had. We talked through every aspect of what had happened to me and why I reacted the way I did. She described mental health like a bucket. We have all these things fill it up, and if we don't deal with it then it overflows and that's PTSD. She told me that it wasn't surprising that I reacted the way I did to what the girls did to me. She made me see and accept that I'll never know why they did it and that that's ok. I finally made some peace.

Unfortunately she retired not long after and I didn't find someone else for a few years after that. I'm not sure how long it was for everything to happen as my memory isn't very good now, but I am at a place where I no longer have nightmares or panic attacks, I can go out by myself and can even study at uni. I still have avoidance issues, triggers and I was recently diagnosed with GAD, but I am no longer that scared 21yr old that thought she was going to die if she left her house.

I guess I just wanted to show anyone like my 21yr old self that you can make it. It's hard but possible

[blondguy]

Hello Lici

I am happy that there is a good ending coming up.....after what you have been through I am relieved that there is! I also hope that the people that caused you so much pain have been held accountable for their actions

You have posted so well on another thread in such an inspirational way it will let others know that there is always a different way of the 'dark place' we can find ourselves in.

The agoraphobia is an awful place to be in as I was 'stuck' at home too in the 1980's for a while. The labels even though accurate can be a pain as agoraphobia is anxiety at its worst....yet fixable as you know

Just from my experience super frequent counseling/therapy is a great way out of this awful set of symptoms..Monthly is okay...fortnightly is great and weekly is the bees knees to find some decent peace of mind in our lives.

I used a free mental health care worker in 1987 when I was housebound...he was a brilliant psychiatric nurse that worked for the local council. He visited me at home..once, and then made me agree to weekly therapy for 6 months....I didnt want to but agreed to turning up at the local community center every week

This mental health worker gave me my life back Lici. It took 2 visits and he had me crying like a baby (venting all the bad stuff away)

*Note...I am not sure if council appointed MHW's are still available due to recent budget cuts in Vic.

You know that you are making excellent progress when the crying starts in counseling/therapy.....I guess thats why they have a box of tissues on the coffee table. Took me ages to get the courage to cry..unfortunately

You are doing so well Lici with your approach and amazing pro-active mindset...Nice1

I hope a little of this has helped....Have a good weekend too 🙂

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Lici]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. "weekly is the bees knees" it definitely is! In the second part of my story I went through my exposure therapy a little. There's so many details that I left out, but I'm hoping that what I have posted will have its intended message.The second part, I think it's an important part that may show someone in the stage I was at 21 that there is a way through it. It can just sometimes take a long time and a lot of effort on your own part.

I only think I've cried during therapy once or twice without it being panic related. It takes a lot to get me crying (unless it's a movie funnily enough lol).

In the end, if my story shows just one person that they can make it then telling it was worth it.

I hope you have a good weekend too Paul! Thanks for reading and sharing your agoraphobia story. It's really nice to read of others that have made it through to the other side too. It's such a scary place to be in!

Kind regards,

Lici

[stormcloudz]

Lici

Thanks for posting your story. I find it hard to understand why people would be so cruel. I am really hanging out for that happy ending now!

In your wonderful post to Jude, you mentioned that CBT had been very useful. I was glad to see your post pop up here as I didn't want to hijack Judes post with questions. Could you talk a little bit more about what was useful about CBT, and share any tips on a good CBT process? I have been thinking about this myself.

[blondguy]

No worries Lici

I neglected to mention the most important point..

It takes some serious courage to write what you have Lici. Circa 70% of the hits to the forums are people that choose to read only which is fine. The other 30% of hits choose to post on the forums......You are helping a lot more people than you know Lici!

You are amazing and congrats to you

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Lici]

Hi stormcloudz,

I'd be happy to talk about CBT! I'll give a rundown of my experiences with CBT and then a rundown of what I've learnt in my psychology studies 🙂

My experiences with cbt started with my psychiatrist and then continued with a clinical psychologist a few years later. It involved many "homework" exercises where I would write down any negative thoughts I had. I would then have to come up with a list of evidence for that thought and evidence against it. Then I would have to come up with possible alternate explanations for that thought and a positive thought to replace it. I would then take my homework to my next appointment and my therapist and I would then analyse that thought. Basically it was about being conscious of the mechanisms behind negative thoughts and learning how to change them.

In my psychology studies I'm currently learning about the theory behind cbt. It comes from two theories, learning theory and cognitive theory. Learning theory states that our behaviours are learned either through classical conditioning (an example of this is an old study where they showed a rat to a boy and then played a loud noise, after a while the boy was scared of rats and white fluffy animals without the noise... this was before ethics) this is usually where phobias come from.

Then there's operant learning. This is where there are either positive reinforces or negative reinforces to behaviour. A positive reinforcer is when something good happens when we do something so we do it again. A negative reinforcer is when something bad happens when we do something so we avoid doing that thing.

Cognitive theory states that psychological disorders are caused by negative beliefs, interpretations and thoughts. So we'll have negative core beliefs (usually from childhood), then we will misinterpret information or events to fit this belief (cognitive distortions) which then leads to negative automatic thoughts (negative things that we'll think without trying)

The idea of cbt is to identify and change the negative automatic thoughts, and underlying distortions and core beliefs. It also incorporates operant learning by looking at what is negatively reinforcing behaviour. This is where the diaries and homework etc comes in.

I hope this answers your questions! Feel free to ask more if you don't understand any part of it, I'm happy to explain it more if it's too confusing etc 🙂

[stormcloudz]

Thanks Lici, that's helpful.

Did you find that spending all that time looking at negative thoughts made them louder / reinforced them? Was it scary looking at them?

Did you worry about who you would be without your negative thoughts?

And if you have the energy - how did you find a good practitioner?

Thanks, as you can see, your story is already helping : )

[Doolhof]

Hi Lici,

Welcome to the community here and thank you so much for sharing both your story and also how you have found help.

I'm sure many people will benefit from the information you are sharing regarding CBT. When we do see psychologist and therapists, they don't always have the time to explain how these therapies are supposed to work.

One of my issues with CBT is that I quite often feel overwhelmingly depressed, but have no negative thoughts to go with that apart from not wanting to feel depressed.

For me there is not always an issue that I can relate to behind the depression. It is just there. If I did have an issue like say a disagreement with someone, than the CBT certainly does help.

hanks again for sharing your story and your skills with us.

Cheers from Dools

[startingnew]

Morning Lici

well done on sharing your story, thats not a very easy thing to do at all. im sorry that you went through all of that though, but i liked reading how your progressed despite the difficulties you faced. i can relate the abuse side of things though mine was/is emotional from families but was bullied and beaten in high school.

thank you again for sharing and looking forward to joining you on your journey xox