My future seems dark

[LITH]

I was firefighter and emergency medical technician for 14 years, when I moved state I gained a position with correctional services. After 4 years as a prison guard I quit and went back to my trade as a painter/plasterer. I hid my feelings my everyone for years as I was brought up by my grandfather who was ex navy and Avery hard man. Long story short I have major depressive disorder, anxiety and PTSD. I struggle to get out of bed and go to work, anxiety is over the top. First psychiatrist kept giving me more tablets which shut down my liver, second psychiatrist gave me different pills, but they don't seem to do much. I am living on alcohol and prescription drugs. Nothing seems to be working so my future seems very dark to me. I am trying to run a business and have four employees but it is a real struggle, I have run out of options, even a psychologist didn't help me. No one seems to understand what is going through my head and I feel like I may be exaggerating things in my head. I'm at a crossroad at the moment and there is only two choices, rant over, at least someone may see this and have an answer, otherwise I will be expecting something better in the next life.

[Croix]

Dear LITH~

Welcome here to the Forum , a pretty good move on your part as you've come to a place where many had had similar experiences and would like to help. I myself was a policeman, invalided out with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. It was long ago and I'm in a better place now.

Hiding how you are and putting on a mask is exceedingly common and medicating with alcohol is too. Your story is all too familiar and I would think no way are you exaggerating anything. As for the crossroads, well I've been exactly there too. I say that so you know it is not just you, it is the illness taking over your thinking, just as it did mine.

The first and most obvious thing from your post is that your medical help isn't helping. Dealing with people who have been first responders is a specialized task and not everyone with psychiatric qualifications is up to it. I spent many years not dealing with the problem, only the symptoms, then many more trying different meds and therapies. I got lucky after being hospitalized and have improved ever since. (I'm not suggesting hospital, just saying what happened to me.)

So what am I saying? There is competent effective help out there. As an example one poster here is a serving police officer who after being totally disabled by PTSD anxiety and related disorders is back at work.

Do you mind saying a little more abut yourself, if you have a family, if there is anyone in you life that wants to support you? I had the love of my wife, a nurse, who very much looked after me. It was difficult as the illness, at least in my case, made me shut off and angry and resentful and very single-minded.

If you look though The Facts menu above there is information on PTSD and by browsing though the PTSD section of this Forum you will find many others, some who have contracted the illness from family and other incidents, and some who have been first responders.

It may be hard but take your time, this place will help, it might not be instant but there is a wealth of experience here.

I'd like it if you could post again and talk more

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I might mention one thread of many

Forum/ PTSD & Trauma/ PTSD for Medical and First Responders

which might be worth a read, I'm sure they would not mind if you felt like joining in

Croix

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums, LITH.

I agree with Croix. It often takes several attempts before finding a professional we can connect and work with as a team. Not all therapists are familiar with PTSD but some specialize in it. The mind is a complicated maze. Trauma makes it even more so. It is easy to get lost, bump into dead ends without finding a way out. A skilled guide is a necessary ally.

Due to a childhood and youth of abuse, I too have suffered PTSD (with depression and anxiety attached). I am here today to let you know that -with the right help and support + commitment- those conditions can be managed. Peace of mind and quality of Life can return.

I too have been on the brink of bowing out of all the stress and distress. Though at the time it appeared to be a solution, hindsight has made it obvious that it would have been a huge mistake. When we are trapped in despair, everything seems absolute. It seems things will NEVER change, Life will ALWAYS = misery. The situation is HOPELESS etc... I wouldn't be connecting with you today if that was true.

I am sure you are aware that alcohol and prescription drugs are an unhelpful combination to say the least. Alcohol is a depressant. Temporarily numbing the pain doesn't eradicate its causes. It only leads to more of the same, addiction in an attempt to keep pain at bay, over and over again.

I find your mention of a next life interesting. If you research the reincarnation principle, you will find that the next round starts exactly at the mental/emotional point where we previously left it. Which makes perfect sense if you believe we are here to learn.

Kindest thoughts.

[LITH]

Hi Croix

Its been a while since I've been here, trying my hardest to understand the way I feel and why. I am happily married, have four great boys, all achieving exceptionally well, three with degrees, one doing his PHD and my fourth is off taking photos with a hope to work for National Geographic. My wife is struggling with health issues, the latest was Pericarditis and then her immune system shut down, this has been going on for years. So I don't share how I feel as I don't want to stress her or interrupt my boys workin lives. We did have a girl but she died back 1995, nearly lost my wife at the same time. Nothing much has changed for me, still very low which makes me angry at myself and I can't see a light at the end of tunnel yet, but I am trying. I am stillnhypwr vigilant, can't concentrate and have turned into the worlds worst driver, have damaged my ute three times in the last month. I'll keep dropping in here now and then but hopefully I will find my own answer, thanks for your concern hope all is well with you.

[Croix]

Dear LITH~

I haven't been around, I reacted adversely to a stressful condition and had to take time-out. So I guess you have to have patience with us:)

I'm mentioning this not only to explain a lack of replies but just as importantly to underline the huge importance of managing one's condition. If I had kept going not only would I have declined further this last week, but also the quality of anything I attempted would have taken a nosedive.

So it looks as if you are in one of those periods now, most likely more measures are need to reduce the factors that make you this way. This really does not have a lot to do with the good things you mentioned in your last post. Illness strikes quite irrespective of logic.

Incidentally I can relate to the driving. My forte is to have a mind so full of unwanted thoughts I end up driving to the wrong pace. I'm sorry about you wife's condition, which sounds pretty serious. Also about your daughter.

It does make me think that I've been tempted not to gain strength from another because I felt they had their own trials to cope with. I guess here it is a judgment call, however I will say that I found my partner was firstly better able to cope that I anticipated and secondly actually felt useful, empowered and glad to be part of my life giving support. Turns out later I was able to return the favor.

Good management has more to do with therapy, meds, lifestyle. I know you have not as yet found a professional that has given a reasonable answer however like many things in life you have to keep trying until it clicks, then matters can start to improve. Lifestyle is, as you would expect, exercise, healthy eating, an intelligent approach to getting enough sleep, and distraction and self-reward.

It unfortunately does not include self-medication, which as Starwolf has rightly pointed out simply stores up a greater and greater pile of grief that becomes overwhelming.

I know, the above seems all very conventional and mundane. Experience tells me it does help.

What do you think?

Croix

[LITH]

Hi

long time between visits I know, but I have been having a really rough time with medication and life in general. Long story short, I’m off any form medication as they either don’t work or have very adverse affects on my health. I’m back to square one, struggle to get out of bed and work, very apathetic with everything and my wife has either thrown out or hidden any form medication except panadol. It seems she has lost trust in my ability to deal with things but won’t talk about it. I’m on the edge of just disappearing as nothing and no one seems to be helping at all.

[Croix]

Dear Lith~

Nice to hear from you again, even if it not for a the best of reasons.

Trying to soldier on without meds is tough, and the temptation to medicate with alcohol still there I would imagine. Is that the reason your wife has removed your medication or is it because she fears you might use them to kill yourself?

For a lot of people taking about things, particularly suicide is so difficult as to be nearly impossible. Not only nor knowing what to say, also the fear of making things worse. Do you think this might be the reason your wife says nothing?

If you are getting out of bed and working then you are showing a great deal of strength, it is a very hard thing to do when depressed.

I'd wish you could use that determination to keep seeking for the right treatment. Yes I know, Starwolf and I are nags :[ The reason we keep on about it is because we, and umpteen others, have been as down as one can get and have emerged better - thanks to medical help. It did not happen quickly - lots of false starts.

It is very frustrating and discouraging if each thing you try either does nothing, or has adverse effects - and there are a lot of those. One can easily get to the stage of imagining there is no such thing for oneself as an effective regime. Mind you depression makes just about anything seem a lot more negative, so paradoxically one is probably not in the best position to judge.

How is the driving coming along? Hopefully no more bingles in your ute.

Croix