My Abuser is Getting Married to a Friend

NiqBel03 · ‎25-06-2018

Hi everyone,

So this is my first post so I hope it’s okay. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post, I could really use your help!

So I was sexually assulted by someone who I considered to be one of my closest friends when I was at university. The kicker: He was my best friends boyfriend. I have been physically, sexually, and mentally abused by past boyfriends and he used my PTSD and fear to overpower me.

I never told my friend about what happened between her boyfriend and I. I simply withdrew from the friendship, mainly because I felt ashamed for what happened. I felt like I betrayed her and our friendship, even though I was forced into it. I felt so awful, I couldn’t even look at her in the face.

With that being said, I have always been afraid that if he could do something like that to me, not under the influence of anything, what could he do to her? I have always wanted to tell her what happened, but have never had the courage to...She always thought I was jealous of her and her relationship so I honestly don’t think she would have believe me if I did.

We have since lost touch, but social media just announced she and my abuser are now engaged. When I saw this, my entire body went limp. I completely regressed into the fear that she is marrying and spending the rest of her life with a monster. I don’t know if I should tell her or just leave it. I am afraid it is too late as this was a few years ago and we haven’t spoken in over a year, but I feel like she has the right to know. I just feel like it is too late.

I am so lost and so confused. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I especially can’t go on social media without bursting into tears. This thought and the memories are consuming me. I have no idea what to do...

geoff · ‎25-06-2018

Hello NiqBel03, I want to offer you a warm welcome, and from what you have told us, I'm terribly sorry for what this chap did to you and realise it must be a real concern.

I do agree that your friend may not have believed you, thinking that jealousy was an issue, but it's certainly not.

It doesn't matter whether he was under the influence or not, it should not have happened, and to believe it was a cure to your PSTD is ethically wrong, and what he has done to you maybe a reportable offense!

If you still feel a friendship with your friend and know that someone else can support you, then I believe she should be told, whether she dismisses it when told, it will still register with her and make her more aware of what he does when under the influence.

Give her time as she may come back to you with other questions, which will then bring you both closer together.

You are feeling the pain from what he did to you and transferring this over to your friend who you may still care about because the longer they are together there is the possibility it's not going away.

No one knows what he does in his spare time, so yes I think you should definitely tell her.

Geoff.

Can I suggest that you please visit your doctor and if you're under 25 then you can contact Reachout

White_Rose · ‎25-06-2018

Dear NiqBel

Hello and welcome to the forum. It can be scary writing in here so thank you for your courage and for telling us your story.

This is such a hard situation to be in. First because it has stirred up all your feelings about the sexual abuse. I can understand why your friendship died away. How hard would it be to continue to frequently see your abuser and feel you could not warn your friend.

Telling someone an unpalatable fact is always a tricky situation. As you say, your friend may still believe you are jealous and ignore your warning. I wonder, if she has been going out with him for some time, if she has experienced being abused herself. If so then I suspect she would ignore your warning. Sadly people become emotional dependent on this type of abuser and believe they can change the person concerned. Not true of course and the abused person becomes dependent.

Do you have any mutual friends of you and your friend? I wonder if you could have a word with someone, someone you trust of course, and maybe this person could talk to your friend. I do not know which is the best way to go about warning your friend. I understand your care for your friend.

Can you send her a congratulations card and suggest meeting up for a coffee? Perhaps if you saw her it may help you to decide what to do. Other than that I am sorry I cannot suggest what you do. It's not my decision and you will be in the firing line if you speak up and she disbelieves you. And I know you will feel guilty if you do not speak up. Try and gauge what her reaction would be by having a casual chat and making your decision afterwards.

Mary

Quercus · ‎01-07-2018

Hi NiqBel03,

Both Geoff and Mary have good points. This is such a tricky situation.

I don't agree with telling your friend until you have considered whether you are prepared for the fallout. Are you in a place mentally where you could handle confrontation and anger and blame? Do you have strong supports (both medical and social support) around you?

I say this because of one of the key reasons few sexual assault victims speak up at the time. The abuser will turn it back onto you and blame you. It is not your fault he is disgusting. But if your friend loves and trusts him (if she is marrying him she does) she will probably believe his lies.

I think you need to seriously be prepared for questions such as why didn't you report him at the time? Or for him to lie and say you seduced him or some other such crap. The sad thing about sexual assault is the victims often have to justify themselves or are made to doubt what happened. It is the nature of abusers to cover up their crimes by shifting the blame.

Are you prepared for this? You may find your friend is very hostile towards you. She may say you're lying. Or jealous. Or trying to sabotage her marriage. Even if she does believe you she may be angry that you weren't honest with her. Are you stable and supported enough to cope with this? Are you well enough to accept this may not be something she will be able to move on from and remain friends.

And what if she stands by him regardless? What of she puts your accusations on social media?

I think that this is such an enormous complex issue.

Have you considered visiting the police for advice? Is it possible to put in an complaint still?

What you need is solely your decision to make. I agree with you that I would want her to know. But your priority is you. If telling her will put you at risk this needs to be considered strongly. Your needs are first.

Nat

White_Rose · ‎02-07-2018

Hello NiqBel

How are you going? I have dropped in to say hello and if you are making any progress with your dilemma. As we have all said it's a tricky situation and may end up with more hurt to you. I know it would be easier to walk away saying it's not my problem, but I feel you would not be happy.

I don't want to rehash the whole thing again. I want to ask how we can help you further. Do you want to bounce any other questions off us or perhaps just vent. It is a horrid place to be.

Please get back to us if we can help you further.

Mary

NiqBel03 · ‎05-07-2018

Hi everyone!

Thank you for your thoughts and imput with this sticky situation. I honestly am still not sure what to do, but I have reached out to a mutual friend, as suggested, and she has made some similar accusations about my abuser as well. It feels good to know that I am not alone in feeling this way, but I am absolutely disgusted that he has done this to other women than just me. My friend and I are now a really solid support system for each other and we feel if we confront his fiancé with this information, there is safety in numbers and more evidence proving his actions. We are still deciding if we should tell her, but for now we are just going to be there for each other.

Thank you all so much again for your help and support. Reading these comments makes me feel less alone and stronger than before!

geoff · ‎05-07-2018

Hi NiqBell03, thanks for your reply, I realise it's a decision that may not be easy to make, or perhaps something might happen which may make you decide on what to do.

Would it be possible to keep us in touch?

Geoff.