Mum of sexually abused daughter trying to cope

eagle72 · ‎24-08-2018

hello....well, my daughter when she was two told me in hospital that her dad hurt her...i was giving birth to her brother. That was the day my world changed course! Fast forward a few years in court....and he got supervised visits. Yes, thats it. I used to drop her off and she would scream at me she didnt want to go...i said you have too, the courts said.

I REGRET these words...and decision for the rest of my life!!!!!

My beautiful daughter is now 14yrs old, and now....lives with him. I am not coping with this. Atleast when she was with me and her brother, i felt i could protect her...now.... i feel she has no one.

My question to any victim of sexual abuse or mum of a child who has been abused.....Why does she hate me?

Im not stupid...ofcourse the dropping her off to the sicko when she obviously had been hurt by him confused her little mind....but i was only doing what the COURTS demanded.

I hate courts. they fail our innocent children. I try everyday to text her....tell her how much i love her and miss her....she gives one word replies days later..

when she does visit she is angry all the time with me...this behaviour happened about a year before she left.

and if anyone is wondering, no, i do not bring the abuse up. When it happened i told myself he has taken her body, but not her soul.

i thought that would be enough to get us through this....but it wasnt.

Im so sad. But that i can try to deal with. But....why and how can she live with him. She is always angry .....is he still abusing her??

Sophie_M · ‎24-08-2018

Hi eagle72,

We are sorry to hear that you are finding it difficult to cope with all that you and your daughter have been through. We take reports of abuse seriously. Please know that we are concerned about you and are here to support you as much as you need.

If you feel like your daughter may be in immediate danger, please call 000. If not, 1800RESPECT is another great resource that offers support about how to best assist people experiencing sexual abuse and domestic and family violence.

Croix · ‎24-08-2018

Dear Eagle72~

Having to obey a Court Order when other avenues are closed is a heart-breaking no-win situation. On the one hand you can see how blind the Court System is, how unfair. On the other you can see their power and it is only natural to fear if you do not comply then the court will turn on you and your daughter, and maybe even your son, might be lost to you.

Children can react wiht great anger and fear, and turn that on the easiest target, the safest target, which is of course you. It is not logical or deserved, I guess it it part of being a child - not yet adult. So very hard to bear, with each day's rejection just making it worse.

I've no easy answers for you , all I can say is that being a reservoir of calm, sense and love that can be relied upon is probably the best service you can do for both your children at the moment. not easy under hte circumstances. Part of it of course is looking after yourself, which is not being selfish, just practical.

That may mean counseling or medical support. It definitely means not facing all this in isolation. Do oyu have anyone to help and support you? It makes a lot of difference. If there are no family members or friends to lean on then professional help is the next best thing.

Sophie has some good advice, please consider giving Respect a call, it cannot hurt to talk with people who have experience. So many think it is just oneself, it turns out to be things many people have done and felt.

If you would like to talk here anytime you would be most welcome

Croix

eagle72 · ‎28-08-2018

thankyou Sophie_M

it happened 11 years ago....i had knox socah detectives involved through to court. they court felt her word and mine were not enough evidence....i dont know if she would tell me anymore....i tried to move forward all those years ago and just forget....but, now that she chose to live with him, im suffering.....all the pain is surfacing and im trying to cope....

thankyou for caring....

eagle72 · ‎28-08-2018

you made me cry and smile all at once.....

lovely kind words......

i was strong and happy for the last 11 years......but, it has just hit me.....ill be fine, its just weird to me that it has come back to me when i thought i had pushed it all away.

thankyou for your advice....

Croix · ‎28-08-2018

Dear Eagle72~

As you can see others do understand, so perhaps in that way you are not completely alone in this.

I've matters in my past I thought were dealt with and they have come forward much later on, without as it seems to me a good reason. My pshrink has said more than once that it's happened because I was in a better stronger place and more able to deal with things.

I've really no idea about that, however matters hitting hard after 11 years does happen. I found it was not as bad as at the time, even though pretty horrible.

There is one thing I can point out. People do mature and very often grow up. Their values can change. While your daughter may in the past have seen you as the focal point of her troubles that does not mean she might not mellow. She doesn't even have to change her view of past events, merely attach less importance to them and more to a relationship with her mother.

I felt towards the end of my mother's life I ought to try to overlook her past conduct which is why I'm mentioning it, not to build false hope but share my shift in values

Croix

Croix · ‎30-08-2018

Dear Eagle72~

Everything you have said describes a loving mother who has been faced with events outside her experience. No parent normally expects their partner to be an abuser, plus children sometimes cannot be properly understood, no matter what they say.

Knowing what to do even when you are certain of the facts is again something that is terribly difficult to decide. There are so many potentially life-altering consequences. I would imaging your daughter deep down would remember your rescue and comfort.

You have been faced with a long series of situations where your choices are between horrible alternatives. I'm very confident you have done your very best. For some reason good people take on great guilt even when undeserved, which you have been doing.

It is not a question of being believed. I'm an ex-detective and I believe you, I'm sure the SOCAIT detectives would have too. Sadly the court system is not always a journey to the truth. The fact your family includes cops may simply have made our ex more wary or cunning.

Trying to relive all this by yourself, even here, is horrible. I have had soul-destroying memories and there is a comfort in having another human being close. Do you have anyone?

You love your daughter and always have. That is a very great thing and you need to hold onto that thought. Hopefully in time it will become apparent to your daughter and others too.

Croix

Croix · ‎01-09-2018

Dear Eagle72

You seemed very upset in your last post, and that worried me. So I'm checking in to see how you are going today and emphasize you are welcome here - anytime.

Croix

eagle72 · ‎13-09-2018

im fine.....i read the posts and just cried.....it always feels good afterwards....like life is great again...

i never really cried when it happened,,,i just gave birth to my son so i COULDNT BREAKDOWN. seeing this in shows on tv or on the news is NOTHING like living it.. my little girl was 2 and she told me in hospital...i had to wait until i was out to protect her.

and then 8 months later i caught him.....

BUT.....i get cross examined for every move...thought...i have ever had in my WHOLE LIFE...and why does a two years old telling in vat evidence over and over again....NEVER CHANGING HER STORY SO IT MUST BE TRUE OVER THE YEAR of knox detectives interviewing her.

WHY DOES THE JUDGE IGNORE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i stuffed up croix......i made a mistake in court. the judge said do you want to go criminal....i said no, i want him fixed. i was told he would most likely go to prison if a jury found him guilty and i would have to have my son visit him.....

i was not going to have my kids go to a prison to see their dad.....but....how do i explain to my new born son why he doesent have a dad......

why am i and my daughter put into this mess......no....i wanted the courts to FIX HIM!!!!!

instead, this testimony obviously got him off.

so...now you know why i blame myself....

because i STUFFED UP.

Croix · ‎13-09-2018

Dear Eagle72~

There are good people that have the unfortunate habit of taking the blame and responsibility for life's worst events on themselves - you are one of them. From looking at the court system (true it was a while ago) I frankly don't think in the long term whatever you said or did would make that much difference.

When you come right down to it your ex's actions were the whole thing, he did the damage, not you. The court system is not always that good and even if he did get a custodial sentence I would not guarantee it would not be watered down.

He left you and your daughter in emotional tatters, and the effect goes on. Maybe in time you will be granted the wisdom to see the true culprit and not attack yourself instead - you do not deserve it.

I really hope you do not have to travel all though this alone. When I was pretty bad I had a loving strong partner, and later medical help. It made a huge difference.

Croix