Multiple traumas = multiple living challenges

[Novadreamer]

First time posting finally need to say it outloud to the world.

I have so much to say and I'll get to say it to a professional soon I just need to make that phone call to book myself in.

I seen my GP after going back to work and a conversation with my eldest son & mum (feeling like I'm too much for them) and my incredible partner who is at his end with me and rightly so. I done some research and stumbled apon info on PTSD.

I'm hyper vigilant, easily confused indecisive and my attitude goes up/down, insomnia/lethargy. I've even started to tell the most silly unnecessary lies I do it As I'm feeling stupid or I've done something unsafe or not thinking properly. I can loosely function keep a job, cook meals talk properly occasionally.

My back story I come from a verbally home my mum lied slot cause she was frightened and dad was physically abusive at times.

I was sexually assaulted at 17.

DV relationship for about a year when I was 21-22.

Heavy drugs came into picture at 23-24 which caused psychosis and some weird incidents. Another abusive short lived relationship and I lost/gave up care of my eldest child. Went to rehabilitation for 18mths dealt with above issues to a degree. 4 yrs later I got custody back.

26 - 38 I was in a long term relationship we had a child together and she has Autism (high functioning) we were together 13 yrs last 6 yrs he had rare cancer and I nursed him in the last year until he died.

I then met my current partner about 7-8mths after last trauma. I feel inlove however always knew that I was ok and really shouldn't be in a relationship until I had some balance and was in a healthy place to be with him. We kinda separated and he came back we feel back into each other and I fell pregnant so we almost at the 2 yr anniversary and he's had enough of my ways.

i just don't see things tunnel visioned I struggle to communicate I'm overly passive as I said I'm telling lies cause I don't want to look bad, I'm not thinking about both my children's needs equally it's one or the other. He no longer believes me or feels that I'm safe to be left alone. I have no forward planning for family outings so we just don't do it. I'm just doing things that make life hard create more work for myself and him.

i had friends they've dropped off.

I just feel good not good.

thanks for reading

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Nova;

We're a caring community of people here at BB and want what's best for you and your loved ones. Recovery and peace is what we all strive for and support each other in doing so.

It must've taken a lot of courage to create your first thread, so well done! You've posted about various issues and situations in your history, so again, good on you. Some give little their first time and it's hard to reply without much to go on, so thankyou.

I suffer with Complex PTSD, but unlike you I've been diagnosed and am on long term Mental Health/Treatment plans. They include psychiatrist, psychologist, GP, Mental Health Case Worker (due to a past psych ward stay) and medication.

So, your GP is the first port of call for referrals to other health care professionals. I really hope you can summon the courage to go thru with your plan to see someone.

How about you tell me what it is that's top of your list of worries? I know they probably all merge, but what's more important to you right now than anything else? Take your time answering as it's therapeutic as well as something for us as your supporters to go on.

It does take a while for your post to be approved then posted, and for me and others to get back to you as we're not online 24/7. I'm up tonight as I can't sleep.

Please come back and tell us more ok?

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Novadreamer]

Hi Sez,

thankyou for taking the time to read my post. I'm wanting to be open about where my head is at as I know it's the first step. I too spent a short time in psych ward when I was going through psychosis. I was told about anxiety when I was in rehab.

To be honest it's like you said all my problems merge into one. So I'm doing my best to really think about what is at the top of my list.

Thinking, communicating and interpreting others. It's like I just don't comprehend what is being said to me sometimes, I feel like I'm living on a different wavelength to a lot of different people (my partner) my son my parents I've lost friends because of it. My actions and words don't match my intentions.

My memory is either like a gold fish or I remember every detail and because I have more moments of being like a gold fish my partner doesn't believe me sometimes I interpret what he's saying incorrectly as I'm not seeing his intentions in the first place My instincts are way off.

I need strategies in rebuilding my memory and attention span. I want to be able to communicate properly.