Moving on but feeling vulnerable

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am getting past my last big attack of ptsd and I’m not backed up into a corner emotionally and figuratively as I was before. I’m expressing myself better and wanting more out of life again. So all positive signs and took a lot of work too.

But I have a really strong feeling of loneliness and detachment from the world and everyone in it. I’m lonely when I go out when I’m home and I feel unwanted ignored and like I don’t belong. I suppose it’s not a new feeling but I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or even worse that no one wants me anywhere.
Im a pretender I work and shop and live but I don’t really feel that I’m valued or that people really don’t like me.
Is it self centred or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still.

thanks MC

[Mum Chris]

Thank you mmMekitty

Yes I just need to find my group. I did have a craft group but Covid stopped that and it hasn’t reformed. I’m super unhappy about that and tried to organise an unofficial get together but it didn’t work. My knitting sits unattended now.
I’ve got my sewing machine fixed and I’m venturing back to making cushions.
im not good at failing so when given a task I need to succeed. My dr wants me out and engaged but I’m not ready. He said all I want you to do is do some research. Don’t go don’t join just think what would be your thing. In my mind I need to have joined and gone and conquered.
Home life is suffering and I have hurt my husband and pushed everyone away. I’m going to go to foot therapy and I’m going to see my sort of friend and I will be interested in how she feels.
I know we are all similar and most people feel nervous and out of place.

Someone asked oh no what happened to your leg and I said mountain climbing accident. 😂😂😂😂 that made me happy. When I was on treatment many years ago my cannula became infected and I needed a compression bandage and I told people scuba diving and a shark bit me and I also said skateboarding accident to someone else. I told so many stories people stopped asking 😂

I have let hubby back into my space and he’s asleep and exhausted. He was scared to leave me alone today. I’ve eaten so much and I’m getting sleepy too. Giant fur doggy is super happy and also asleep and snoring on his bed in my room. I shared my food with him 🐕‍🦺🐾

I hope you have a wonderful night 🛌

MC

[mmMekitty]

Seems to me, MC, your psych is taking it slow, just one step at a time. First 'goal' if you like, is to research to discover if there are any groups you might like to join. Seems he's thinking this is an achievable goal for you at this time.

🙀🙀, so much 🙀I will drop by tomorrow .... or ought I do some research myself? Sorry, If I do that & get bogged down in it, because I want to know something about whoever I vote for... or not as may be! I know some I will definitely NOT be voting for, but not much how preferences will be allocated... why am I so interested????

I will try to get back to talking to you. I enjoy talking to you so much more than researching candidates & small parties.

mmMekitty

Good night, MC. Can I curl up with the dog & purr until I sleep?

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Quiet day today I stayed home and quiet watching movies and no activity at all. Hibernated with hubby and Doggy. Junk food day and be nice to us day.
Many things are extremely disturbing and Doggy is limping bad. I need him to be ok he’s very special to me as all our fur babies are and he very old. He’s shrinking and sleeps a lot no more zoomies. Geckos came to visit and birds were picking bugs from plants it was a relaxing day.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

A couple weeks ago, there was a story in the news, about The Country Women's Association, a 100yr anniversary celebration they were having. Briefly they spoke to a few people, one of whom had been with the group for 50yrs, following her mum, who'd joined before. & another mentioned how they make breast care cushions, like the two little cushions I was given at the hospital. Nice little C-shapes with ribbon to tie, as I did, around my upper arms, thus providing cushioning between my arms & chest, front & sides. So practical, but moreover, they have become items of psychological comfort, too. My only problem with them is that whoever made them used satin-like ribbon, which came loose too easily, & then the cushions would move about too much. I was told they were made by volunteers, as was the little bag to carry the drainage recepticles around with me, while I had them.

& I thought about little kids, who might have injuries to protect in a similar way, & what it might be like if little cushions could be modified for them, & also look like animals.. how comforting that could be for them? & wish I could sew & see if I could make some...

I do feel being a member of a group, one which does something while chatting, is a great incentive to do more of the activity, whether it's writing, sewing, playing sport, card games, or whatever.

I had written before joining the group. Then. while in the group, I wrote more & better, too, I think. Now there is no group, I have found it very difficult to write, only for myself, even during the few hours when I don't feel so much discomfort.

😼Indeed, I usually come here, & write more to others.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I also meant to ask if there is anything you & hubby can do to ease your old dog's pain (I assume the limp is due to pain)? Things aren't looking good for him.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

We found a hole started in a rough corner of the yard we expect he forgot he’s old and tried to dig. He has arthritis and just like us not much can be done. He has pills that help but he can only take sometimes just like us the pills make him sick. I’ve organised for grand babies to come and spend 2 nights with us and we will prepare them and let them know each day is a great day we still have him. They can bath him and brush him and cuddle him. He’s like a puppy when they are here. It gives him a new lease on life.
We are in isolation the dreaded C has got us. I’ve been fever sleeping and lying in bed for days. We have a romantic getaway booked on weekend and we will miss it if we don’t improve in next few days. I’m sleeping so much and it’s got to be good for me. We have usual symptoms and we are checking blood oxygen levels. When they get a bit low we get up walk around sneeze and cough and then it goes back up. Our main job is showering and food and drinks. Lots of tv shows that I mostly sleep through. It could be worse.
I’m going to try and knit because I have all this time and I’d like it to be productive and I’m getting a bit depressed and paranoid but maybe it’s the virus I’m not sure.
Had a video meeting about issues I had about mums care and they are investigating and going to monitor the home. I’m sure they will not neglect her care and hopefully it flows on to other residents. My brother came and helped and he’s the one that brought the virus. I said I hope one day we can come visit him and drop off gastro 😂 I honestly don’t care I really needed support and just having him here made me so happy. I was very bad before he arrived.
When we get better and I’m not contagious I’m taking my giant fur friend to the vet for a check up if he’s still limping. It seems to be worse sometimes and others he’s ok. We wonder if he’s copying me because he has done that before. I had a cough and he would cough cost me $200 to find out nothing wrong. 😂 anyway I hope he gets better or stops faking.
How are you mmMekitty after Saturday excitement getting to polling booths and waiting for results. We did Covid phone vote so easy and luckily because brain was foggy as.
bye for now

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi there, MC,

You sound somewhat more up from last week. Sure, feeling sick with COVID & having to isolate will have an effect on your mood. It's not much fun, is it?

Yes, tempting to give something back to your brother, but I don't expect you are vindictive like that. It's a fun thought, though.😸

So old dog limps more sometimes. Have you noticed if it's maybe worse early in the morning, or late at night? Or indeed, when you limping around the place? If you touch the leg, does he flinch or anything?

If he gets bathed when it's cold, be sure to dry him pretty well, or keep him where he can lay in front of a heater.

mmm wonder about doggie leg warmers? I can imagine long red leg warmers on a large dog. Small dog leg warmers would be very hard to knit, but maybe long leg warmers for large dogs is possible?

Or maybe knitting something for the grandkids?

I did my voting via the phone, as a blind person, so the way it was done was similar, but I did have to repeat-after-me a declaration stating that I am blind - I don't recall the words, a couple short sentences, & I don't remember. I wonder how they know or if they will have checked between my registering & the day I phoed again to vote, that I am really blind. Do they check my MyGov or Services Australia? I wonder. It's a wonder they didn't want to make it a video call, these days! I thought the staff were really good, well-trained for the task - she had to read all parties & all the names , everything.

I really hope your Mum's care is of the highest standard, & that it is so for all the residents.

I hope you & hubby have your romantic holiday, & really get to reinforce the bond you share.

I hope you & MrMC get well soon!😺

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Limping is worse after lying for a while. He can’t seem to turn easily either. He doesn’t yelp when I touch his shoulder and legs and paws but I do believe it’s in his paw region or lower leg.
Hubby is on ventolin for his breathing and he’s never had it before and he’s having cranky meltdowns. He’s experienced me on ventolin a lot and on steroids so now he knows the feeling. 😂😂 I’m not bothered and I know it’s awful.

I put her in a very good place but the manager left and new one is not doing her job and long lockdowns have taken away some of the safety that was there before. It has become a facility instead of a place where they live. I’m unable to visit as I used to because I need to be 14 days no contact with Covid and the home has been in lockdown a lot. During that time she was being treated below what we expected. I can’t say here as it may be triggering. Anyway I was devastated and it is more than I can cope with I am trying to gain some strength back mentally and emotionally and physically but I’m really not able to take more on. I went back to total breakdown and thankfully my brother stepped up. Mum is in hospice care and very old and totally dependent on 24hr nursing she doesn’t recognise me usually now and can’t have a conversation

My psychologist said if you are holding a weight for a long time doesn’t matter what it weighs eventually you will buckle from the weight.

Now I’m fighting this virus and I’m trying to stay positive and I am. I get pneumonia easily but I had a vaccine for it and I’m thinking it is working. Virus has reached my lungs but I don’t have an infection and I’m doing well. 😍

We had to make a couple of declarations too when voting and the people on the phone was awesome.

Im so wanting some sun and the rain to stop. I went into the yard today and my feet were sinking the grass is a lake.

Im thinking I might knit him some pyjamas with long legs and his tail and business bits uncovered. He has a couple of coats but none with legs. They would need to be like a babies onesie. I’m not sure my skill level is there I may need to do some online shopping.

it would be good if the writing group reformed or a new one popped up near you. I wonder if your helper can research options for you. I have been searching for a a craft group but they are all Monday to Friday and I work. I will keep searching though.

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi

ive been dealing with a lot but coping ok. I’m learning to stand up for myself and not backdown. Early days and I’m a little broken hearted I’ve told hubby I won’t stand for him getting drunk and told him to see dr or get out. He’s a lovely man but I don’t want him hurting himself and being less than he can be. He’s on the couch and he says he’s contacted alcohol counselor but I said that’s not seeing a therapist and that’s not seeing the dr. I think he’s confused because in the past I would have hugged him and said wonderful I’m proud and he’d just not do anything. He’s not drinking but that’s not the point if he doesn’t get help he will drink and he will get worse. Anyway I’m heartbroken I don’t want to lose him but I’m not getting on his merry go round. I just got off my sons nightmare ride. I want to shake him and scream at him to wake up and stop being a spoilt baby.
im staying in my room or in my study. I’m going to a woman’s group in the morning and I’m having lunch with a friend. It’s so quiet here because we are not speaking. For all I know he’s drinking but I don’t think so. He’s upset this is new behaviour from me I usually say please please not this is what I will accept in my life if you can’t do that then leave. I said I deserve a joyful life not a life worrying about him.
I sound tough but I’m not I’m struggling and frustrated and very sad. If he starts packing I may give in. Psychologist said my hubby is just not used to me standing up for what I want and he probably doesn’t believe I mean it. Lol. Probably true.
Im dealing with all this a broken body and elder abuse I’m trying to stop with my mum and work stress and grandkids have influenza A and I’m so worried about them. I’m so angry with him just go to the #$&@%* doctor.
And the dogs gassing me with his farts. 😆🐕‍🦺 Im trying to keep the CPTSD extreme reactions under control but dreams are bad now. Lots of deep breathing and stretching exercises. I don’t want another person’s rubbish suck my time and attention. I’m crafting watching fave shows and seeing friends

❤️❤️❤️❤️

MC

[Mum Chris]

MmMekitty

I found out the serious limping my four legged friend was doing was fake. He was copying me and all the extra treats and love he got well he kept the limp going. He got busted more than once doing zoomies and acrobatics till I stared him down and said stop limping.
He walked normally inside and sat on his bed looking guilty. I gave him a treat and more love. So cute. He used to hop behind me sometimes when I was on crutches so I should have realised but he was so convincing. I was suss when he didn’t yelp when I squeezed joints and bones

gotta love a clown dog

❤️❤️❤️🤣