Mothers Day and feeling no positive regard toward my Mother.

[Lisa3030]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and really wanted to share some of my feelings on a difficult day for me as I'm struggling to feel love for my mother. I endured severe early childhood abuse from my Mother and I decided to disconnect our relationship 10 years ago in my mid 30's.

I feel compassion toward myself but no positive regard for her and I feel guilty about this.

Warm Regards

Lisa3030

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lisa3030,

Thank you for sharing your feelings on a what is understandably such a difficult day for you. Struggling to feel love for your mother due to severe early childhood abuse and ending up having to disconnect the relationship for your own safety means that days like today (ie. Mothers Day), are often full of emotions and triggers that we struggle to deal with on an emotional and sometimes even physical level.

We want to acknowldege you (and your valid emotional responses), and remind you that we are here to support you!

Lisa3030, please don't hesitate to reach out and chat to one of our BB telephone counsellors on 1300 22 4636 (we also have an online chat option - click here) if you feel that you might like to talk at any time...

We're here for you! 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[SleepyTinkerbell]

Hi Lisa3030

I completely understand why you are feeling guilty, especially on a day like this.

Just because someone brought you into the world doesn't mean that you "should" feel love towards them. Almost anyone can become a parent since you don't have to have a license or pass any tests to prove that you are capable. Please don't forget that.

Maybe the real reason you feel guilt is because you don't want to allow yourself to grieve all of the things you lost or were cheated from having due to the difficult relationship you have with your mother. Yes, you "should" feel love towards your Mum, but more importantly than that, she should love you and make you feel loved in the way that you need to feel loved. That's one of the most important lessons a mother should teach their child.

In a way, today is kind of like the anniversary of all of the things you lost, so it is only natural to feel guilty that you don't feel more love towards her. It's not uncommon to hear people feel guilty for not crying at someone's funeral - this may be the same type of thing.

These are just my thoughts though, so please disregard if it doesn't help. You know yourself best.

Even if none of what I said earlier helps, please just know you aren't alone in feeling this way. I know I have felt the same way as you, and I am only one other human on this earth.

Warm regards,

SleepyTinkerbell

[mmMekitty]

Hello Lisa,

One of my own life lessons is about accepting what we feel is what we feel & what we don't feel is what we don't feel. No guilt or shame about it - feelings are what they are.

For myself, I haven't had my mother since I was 4yr old. & my (ex-)step-mother didn't love me or my sibs, perhaps not even her own kids... & my father had his own issues... so pretty bad all round.

The thing about Mothers' Day, Fathers' Day, etc, it they do not recognise when the relationships haven't been even near enough to good enough. These days simply hilight the experiences of our lives as being so difficult & painful.

You don't have to feel any positive regard for her. No one can impose such feelings on you. In time, you may come to have some other feelings, upon reflection, maturity, & growth, we see things in more complex ways.

I don't feel much for my mother, who remains as a blank space in my mind, but realise I also miss having the mother I wanted all along, but could not admit to wanting. I regret not understanding more about her perspective. I regret my own inability to reach out to her while I could have. It's tough, it's sad, it's lonely.

So, I come here to chat, & am happy to find you here today. I am not imagining it actually helps you feel better, only to let you know, you are not alone.

Be kind & caring towards yourself.

mmMekitty

[Lisa3030]

Thank you Sophie_M,

I really appreciate your support. Its nice to know i am being acknowledged and that I'm not alone.

Lisa

[Lisa3030]

Hello Sleepytinkerbell,

Your words were very comforting and I like the analogy that some people don't cry at funerals. You're right, I feel I should love her but it's so hard to feel this way. Perhaps, I am grieving the loss of not having a healthy parent in my life.

Thanks for your kind support.

Lisa

[Lisa3030]

Dear mmMekitty,

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm sorry that your loss too and I really appreciate your wisdom and sharing your story with me.

For 10 years I held a great deal of anger and the last time I saw her 4 years ago I was hospitalised for 1 month. 1 had recently come to terms that my mother also suffers a mental illness so I felt compassion for her.

But today, I was surprised at the disconnect. I feel a layer of trauma and teary but I think it is just grief. I will reach out to someone tomorrow to keep myself in check.

I was medically abused and suffered other forms of abuse that I am too ashamed to talk about.

Thanks again.

Lisa

[Sophia16]

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. It sounds like today was a tough day for you. You have been very strong and should be proud of yourself for that.

The guilt and relief you are feeling are valid. As time goes on, the guilt will slowly disappear as you think about how much better you feel.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

[Lisa3030]

Thank you Sophia16,

You are right, the guilt has disappeared and I feel better today. It was quiet a loaded feeling yesterday and I'm glad I reached out and heard back from wonderful people to help me get through the day.

Warm Regards

Lisa3030