Losing a loved one

[FreshStart]

My Grandfather and I were extremely close. The relationship I had with him was stronger than any of the relationships I have with any of my other family members. The bond between us was unbreakable. If I was having a crap day, his presence was all I needed in order to make things better.

Two months ago, I watched him as he passed away. I was just a few houses down when I heard screaming I had to come back. I got back into the room and everyone was silent, the nurses told us he could still hear us and told us to talk to him, what on earth are you supposed to say? I knew he couldn’t respond, but I still waited for him to open his eyes and answer me. I didn’t want to let go of him.

They told us this day was coming, he was very ill. I had convinced myself that he would make it, that everyone coming to visit and crying was just unnecessary and confronting for him. I had spent the whole day with him the day that he passed. It hurt seeing him laying there, clearly in pain, just looking around at everyone in the room, helpless. I literally walked out of the room for 5 minutes, and that’s when I got called back in. It happened so quickly. I hated myself for not being there.

About 30 mins before he passed, I was sitting beside him. It was as if something was telling me I needed to take a picture of him. I had to do it. I pulled my phone out and snapped a sneaky picture. No one knew at the time, and no one knows now that I still have the photo. I never would have thought that this would be the last picture of him, minutes before he passed. It hurts.

There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about him. He was the only one who could make me feel better about myself and the things going on around me. With life's struggles, I don’t know who to turn to. I feel like I’ve been left alone, in some sort of hole. I don’t want to talk to family about it and I honestly feel better just being alone. My mood has definitely changed and I have become a lot more carefree than what I used to be. I’ve tried talking but it doesn’t seem to get me far. Sleeping has also become a lot more difficult for me. No matter how hard I try to relax before bed, constant thoughts running through my head keep me up until the early hours of the morning.

Any suggestions on how to get my life back on track would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you xx

P.S: I apologise if this has brought back any negative memories for anyone. I honestly just needed to get it off my chest.

[white knight]

Hi freshstart, welcome

Im sorry for your ordeal. Its heartbreaking.

Unfortunately people are limited to their ability to help thise in grief. A grief counselor might be ine avenue.

Most people by age 50 have gone through the passing of a close loved one. So how did I cope with my dad passing at 64yo? I was 36...1992.?

In honour. Do it your way but I wrote pietry about him. My neighbour dedicated his rose garden for his son. Its why we have memorials.

Use his memory as a platform. Your grandfather's values and wisdom, call on him...what he would do in your situations

Hand down wisdom. Preserve his guidence for your children to come.

Pride. Stand proud as he is inside you forever. And you will be just as important to a youngster one day, your child, a boy up the street, a stranger.

Life. Sadly but true, death is part of life.

Time. In time you will gather more strength.

Talk to him. My favourite place is a hilltop. Watch the sun go down. Talking to my dad.

Watch youtube videos that make sense. Google these

Youtube maharaji sunset

Youtube maharaji the perfect instrument

Many other maharaji videoes.

Grieve. Dont be afraid of the grief process but see it as a way of expressing your love for him.

All the best

TonyWK

[Quercus]

Hello Fresh Start,

First of all I am sorry you are so lost since your Grandfather passed away. And I'm glad that even if you're not ready to reach out to your family you spoke out here.

You're not alone. There isn't a day I don't feel the absence of my Grandparents (especially my Grandma). I often pick up a pen to write Grandma a letter with 'the goss' and then remember all over again and it hurts.

But the pain you feel right now does get easier. I found as time passed it was easier to remember the good moments (and there were so so many) without being swamped by grief. It took time though. Please try not to ask too much of yourself. Grief takes as long as it takes I believe.

I wasn't able to stay with my Grandad in palliative care. I had a newborn and had to go to feed her. So I said goodbye. Like you there is regret. But if you dwell on this you will keep hurting yourself. The nurse said your Grandfather was aware. He knew you loved him. He knew you were there with him. You are human and blaming yourself for stepping outside for 5 minutes is cruel to you.

I asked myself once what would my Grandad have said? He would have told me to go feed gorgeous bubby and give her a raspberry on the tummy from me and he will give my Grandma a massive hug from me when he sees her again. What would your Grandfather say to you?

If it helps you I would like to talk more to you. I don't find this topic upsetting as much as I did once. Now it just reminds me of two people who were very dear to my heart and I like to remember.

Please take care of yourself.

Nat

[startingnew]

hi Freshstart

im so sorry for your loss. i lost my nan who i was extremely close to just gone 2 years ago and there isnt a day that goes by without thinking of her.

ive come across this article on the net that offers some self help greiving strategies... maybe some of these will help...

Take time out. In many ways, the experience of grief is similar to recovery from a serious illness; some days will be darker, and some will be brighter. Recognize your limits, and separate the things that must be done from those that can wait. Don't worry about keeping up with your usual schedule. If you have to cancel or reschedule commitments, people will understand

2.Avoid making major decisions. Grief can cloud your judgment and make it difficult to see beyond the pain you're feeling at the moment. Impulsive decisions – to move or change jobs, for example – can have far-reaching implications for which you may be unprepared. If you must make an important decision, discuss your options with someone you trust, such as a friend or financial advisor.

3. Talk. Painful feelings held inside are like an infection festering in a wound – they need to come out in order for you to heal. When friends ask how they can help, ask them to just be with you and listen. Tell them how important it is for you to be able to express what you're thinking and feeling. If you think you need more than the support of your friends, consider talking with a professional counselor.

4. Express yourself creatively. Writing is another excellent way to express yourself. Try keeping a journal or writing letters, whether you send them or not. When words won't come, artistic outlets like painting or sculpting can help you to communicate what's in your heart and soul. Creative expression can bring clarity to the turmoil you feel and insight into feelings you weren't aware of

[startingnew]

5. Honor your loved one's memory. Preserve your memories in ways that are comforting and meaningful. Enlarge and frame a favorite photo of your loved one, or compile a scrapbook of letters and mementoes from the good times you shared. Make a quilt from his clothing, or plant a tree or a bed of his favorite flowers to create a lasting tribute. Contributing time or money to your loved one's favorite cause or charity is also a noble way to honor her memory.

6. Take care of your physical health. Grief takes a physical toll as well as an emotional toll. Rest, exercise, and proper nutrition are essential to healing. Counteract a poor appetite by eating small amounts of healthy foods rather than large meals. If you have difficulty sleeping, try taking brief naps or just putting your feet up and relaxing whenever you can. And while you may not be motivated to exercise, just taking a brief walk now and then can lift your spirits and help you to sleep at night.

7. Avoid using chemicals to numb your feelings. A glass of wine can be good for the soul and help to settle jangled nerves, but overdoing it can bring a host of new problems. Attempting to numb your feelings with alcohol, illicit drugs, or prescription medications will only prolong the pain. Eventually, one way or the other, you must come to terms with your grief.

8. Have fun. Grieving is difficult, but it doesn't mean you have to feel bad all the time; in fact, it's important to take a break from focusing on your grief. Have fun when you can, whether it's reading a good book, watching a movie, playing cards, or resuming other activities you enjoyed before your loss. Don't feel guilty about it.

9.Plan ahead for special occasions. Anniversaries and holidays can be stressful times when you've lost someone you love, and especially so in the first year or two. Talk with family members about your concerns; this may be a good time to introduce new traditions to mark special occasions.

10. Reach out. In the beginning, grief may be so intense that you just want to withdraw or isolate. Soon, though, you'll be ready to ease back into social contact. Make a date with an old friend, or invite a neighbor to lunch. Or try volunteering with your church or favorite charity – you'll make new social contacts while you help others, and you'll feel good about yourself.

[startingnew]

11. allow yourself to experience the pain of loss
As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. Sometimes people feel guilty about the way they feel, thinking they should “get over it.” Let yourself grieve and fully experience the feelings of grief, such as shock, sadness, anger, and loneliness. Don't judge yourself for having feelings that seem wrong. Let yourself react in ways that help you process and release intense emotions, even if it means crying or screaming. Some people set aside private time every day to think about their loved one and experience the feelings that arise. This approach is especially helpful for those who have difficulty showing their feelings to others.

12. Engage in physical activity. Find a physical activity—such as walking, running, or riding a bicycle—to help you cope with your feelings. Exercise and activities like hitting a punching bag or hitting golf balls at a driving range may help release frustration or anger.

13. Maintain a routine. Keeping a basic routine of daily activities helps you structure your time and keeps you connected to familiar people and places. If possible, avoid making major decisions, such as changing jobs or moving within the first year after a loss. This will help you maintain a sense of normalcy and security and lessen additional stress.

14.Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the things you regret doing or saying to your loved one. Also forgive yourself for the things you regret not doing or saying. Letting go of regrets and the pain that comes with them will allow you to focus on the good memories.

15. Be patient. Allow your grief to unfold at a pace that is natural for you. Don't judge or criticize yourself for not coping as well or healing as quickly as you think you should. Each person needs to grieve in ways that feel right.

16. Join a support group. Support groups offer you the chance to talk with others who have similar experiences. Group members can offer encouragement, comfort, guidance, and practical suggestions. And, they can reassure you that your experiences are normal. You may want to join a general loss support group. Or, you may prefer a group that is specific to your situation, such as a group for those who have lost a spouse to cancer.

[Poppy_Clitheroe]

Thankyou to everyone on this thread. I helped nurse my mother through last-stage cancer and death last year. I felt I had lost half of my self. Your words have inspired and also helped me understand my grieving. All blessings PC

[startingnew]

hi PC

i was a young carer myself who helped my grandmother (passed away 2 yrs now) who was in her final stages of cancer as well. i completley understand how you feel.

do you have a thread we can visit you on?