Longing for May To Over Already

[TBella]

I'm struggling with the month of May.

May is full of painful memories & reminders of loss & grief.

Mothers day the reminder that I will never be a mum- all I have ever wanted since I was 5 years old was to grow up & be a good mum!

The anniversary of my dad's death & loss of losing a close friend, actually the love of my life, on the same day, different years.

And my sisters harsh reaction towards me having PTSD- that it's just a label I'm using to stay a victim. Her harsh judgement has made me feel so alone & like I can't honestly say how I'm feeling. I have to pretend I'm ok when I'm not, when I desperately just a hug & support coz I too am only human!

I go through this every May. I got through it for the last 21years so I guess I will get through this May too. I just want May to hurry up and be over! 😢

[SuperSonic]

Happy to give you a hug TBella!

I am a mother to one daughter, but even so, I find May particularly difficult because of the relationship (or lack thereof) with my own mother. I too put on an act, every Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, etc., trying to look like everything's ok, when it's not.

I actually can't do it this year. I'm trying to decide whether to just be honest or to just avoid it. My mother still denies the sexual abuse I suffered as a young child. Amazingly she still manages to make me feel sorry for her. I don't hate her, I just can't be fake anymore. I've always been so cautious as to not upset her.

Having a daughter has been a massive blessing, and it's also magnified the huge disconnect I have with my own mother.

I understand that not many people understand 'PSTD'. And having a child who I love, adds another level of complexity. My Psych says that 'trauma is almost always passed on'. That statement keeps me up at night.

Anyway, although our circumstances are different, I think the pain is the same. You're not alone. May is agony for me as well, but for different reasons.

Stay strong - our challenges are greater, but I gather we must be stronger because of them.

xx

[Croix]

Dear Tbella~

I'm afraid this is a little clumsy, please be generous.

You are with friends here, even if we cannot see each other, make eye contact, give a hug.

The world is not a nice place, it is full of thorns for those who have not been blessed in the lottery of health and life.

What can a friend who is a line of text say? Well firstly understanding, the label PTSD points to a condition as real as anything anyone can think of and without a scrap of choice - we have spoken before and both know this.

Putting on a mask, it can increase loneliness. Talk here where no mask is needed. I do not wear one here.

You sister is a small person with limits, I don't know why, maybe you do. Her limitations affect others, a sad fact. If I saw someone with a permanent physical limitation, depending on the circumstances, I'd feel sorry for them. Perhaps that is the tactic you can try to adopt here.

Death, loss grief, things people face and endure. Mine has become less over the years as my affections are added to by new ones (I do not lose the old ones). When my first wife died I put her wedding ring on my little finger. When I married again I put the new wedding ring on my ring finger right next to it. The heart has room for more love, no need to give any up.

Motherhood, made of bearing a child, rearing it and loving it, watching it grow. No answer for your loss. Other things may become echoes of that state.

I know you've mentioned reading in the past, though that was texts. Do you have a pastime you enjoy, that transports you away, gives you a little peace?

Please talk more, help the days flit by rather than drag

Croix

[SuperSonic]

Beautifully written and straight to the heart of the issue, Croix.

[TBella]

Hi Supersonic

thank you for sharing your story with me.

I struggle with Mother's Day also because it reminds me that I will never have the relationship with my mum that I desire.

She accepted my sexual abuse when I told her about it but immediately started minimising it. She minimising everything or just lives in denial. There is no doubt she loves me but just emotionally disconnected as is all my family. No emotion was ever allowed in my family except anger/rage from my dad.

i have notice emotional detachment & denial seems to be a pattern of those born in the 50's. Perhaps it has something to do with the culture of that era. It reminds me of a line in the movie-The Help, were the mother says "Sometimes courage skips a generation ". That was a lightbulb moment for me. It made me see that maybe my family just don't have the courage to face the pain of their childhood, maybe it's just too painful. It helped to turn my frustration into sadness & empathy for them. But at the same time I have put boundaries in place, for my own safety & well being.

Re: your fear of passing your trauma on to your daughter, I get that too. A big reason why if I could biologically have child, I would choose not to.Having said that though, you are aware of it & willing to deal with your trauma. You are seeing a psych. That says to me that your daughter has a fighting chance because of your awareness & willingness to deal with it. You recognise the signs, be open & honest with your daughter to help her understand what it's like for you. When you have bad days, tell her I'm having a bad day, I'm not angry at you, you haven't done anything wrong. That way she won't take it personally.also there are heaps of good books resources you can read that are helpful tools. The highly sensitive person by Elain Aron is good. Explains what it's like to have highly sensitive nervous system which those of us with PTSD have.

You can google PTSD or helping loved ones with PTSD & heaps of resources come up. Your psych might also know some helpful resources or techniques/skills to help you & your daughter from suffering trauma.

I think there is a big chance that your daughter will be ok because you are aware, mindful of it & willing to deal with your own trauma. And there's things you can do now to help give your daughter skills that equip her to deal with stress & trauma.

Kind Regards

Tbella

[TBella]

Hi Croix

Thank you for your wise words once again. And your support it is greatly appreciated.

also comforting to know I can come on this forum & be myself & know that you all get it. We have all encountered the prejudice & arrogance & judgment of others who are ignorant of the real ness of mental illness.

its so good to have a safe place like this forum, where you can share, be real & know people get you & accept you!

Thanks again Croix

with much appreciation

Tbella

[Guest_9809]

Hi TBella. We meet again! I have bee following this thread since you opened it yesterday. And although I do not have any comforting words to offer you right now, I do want to keep track of this thread. So I am posting to it now. However please forgive me as I am not feeling too well right now, so hopefully what I do say now, makes some sense. Hi also to SuperSonic who I have seen around lately, but havent previously met.

Just a few comments for now, which I will hopefully add to in the coming days, as I feel more up to it. We have a few things in common, which I will elaborate on briefly.

Where you long for May to finish, I feel exactly the same with February. So your May is my February. My most fervent desire would be to scrap February from the calendar all together! Surviving February is a battle which gets progressively worse as the month progresses. So I understand your feelings in that regard.

I'm sorry you will never be a Mum, although I note in your reply to SuperSonic above, that you would chose not to be at any rate. From all that I have learned about you, I reckon you'd have made the absolute best Mum. Like you, I never became a Mum. I first married when I was 38, to a man who had been married before and had no desire for more children. Part of our 'deal' was that we would not have children. So although I never had children of my own, I do have 2 great step-kids and 6 step-grandkids. They are a delight to me. So I am grateful for that. Did I read elsewhere that you have a niece staying with you? If thats the case, I'm sure it would be a worthwhile experience for you.

As for losing both your Dad, plus your close friend (the love of your life) on the same day. I really feel for you, a double blow of the worst possible kind. I have an anniversary of a similar kind on 23rd June, where the young man I was in love with, died in a car accident. He was 23 at the time, I was 20 and he was my first boyfriend. I think losing him was the reason I never allowed myself to love anyone again, until I was about 37 I guess. Which is when I fell in love with my now husband. So losing someone you love (especially so unexpectedly) definitely has a lasting affect on us. But you can fall in love again. As Croix has found, there is still room in our heart to love another.

As for the prejudice and ignorance of some people regarding MI .. that just makes me angry. One of the reasons I dont tell anyone I have ptsd.

Hugs Bella.

Taurus xx

[TBella]

Thanks Taurus

i really appreciate your post, it has brought me such comfort being able to relate with you & know you get it. Thank you 😊

Although I grieve not being a mum, I am so grateful for my two beautiful nieces &nephew. I was so fortunate to have a lot to do with them from day they were born. I love & adorn them as if they were my own. It angers me to see them suffer emotionally & watch their mum take them for granted at times but she's doing her best I guess. All I can do is be there for my sisters kids & pray & hope they will be ok!

i would love step kids, just to have my own family of some sort would be great. I am happy for you that having step kids & grandchildren meets a need in you. I think if I had that it would help with the grief of not being a biological mum.

I should clarify something as I don't want to mislead anyone. When I said I lost the love of my life -he didn't die he moved to Europe & started a new family. I find it easier to deal with the loss by death, probably coz I've had so much of it. In 2005, our family had 18 deaths from Feb 05 to March 2006. 8 deaths 7 weeks in a row, 2 were on same day, different incidents. My best friend at 27, then a shock death, cancer, car accidents, my grandpa was murdered in a nursing home & finally my dad's dog I promised to look after before he died- when my dad's dog died it was the last link I had with my dad so grieved my dad all over again. So I guess I have learned to adapt to people dying on me, also my personal belief that I will see them again & that they are safe & free from all pain comforts me.

i do apologise for my wrong use of words, I am barely functioning at the moment & my cognitive skills not the best.

Thanks again for your support & hugs, helps a lot.

With love & appreciation

Tbella 🤗

[Guest_9809]

Hi TBella. Not a problem with your use of words at all. Essentially your first words were correct, whatever the cause, you still lost the love of your life. The result is still the same - a huge loss.

Yes I am grateful that I have step kids and now step grandkids in my life. Although they all live a long way away from me, so I dont see them as often as I'd like. Just to clarify however, my stepson was 22 and my stepdaugher 16 when I came into their Dads life. They didnt live with us, as they were living with their Mum at that time. But I still saw a lot of them, and we continue to have a very good relationship. As for the grandkids, I am treated exactly the same as all their other grandparents, so thats really nice.

I too have nephews, my brothers family. I had a beautiful little niece as well, but she tragically died in a car accident in August 2105. She was only 11. My niece and I were particularly close, and her sudden death still hits very hard. I guess it always will.

You've had so much loss and tragedy occur around you over a short period of time havent you? Life is so unfair at times, dishing out far too much sadness on any one person than seems possible. You are obviously a very strong person, and I am glad that you have the comfort of believing that you will seem them all again one day.

Losing loved ones does make you appreciate that family and friends are precious and important. It leads us to shift our expectations on a day to day basis about what we consider to be a “good day”. And it forces us to focus more on quality time with family or friends. Perhaps a positive as a result of the many losses you have experienced is an increased commitment to yourself, your family, your friends, and your spiritual or religious faith.

I hope you are functioning a little better today. The month of May will conclude soon enough, so I hope you can think of all the pleasures that those who have passed, have brought you when they were around. Remember the good times.

Love to you.

Taurus xx

[TBella]

Thank you Taurus for all your love, support, understanding & kind words. It brings me much comfort.

I am so sorry for the loss of your niece. I cannot begin to imagine the great pain & hole that has left in your soul. Something like that would be hard to ever completely recover from in this life time. My heart goes out to you, your brother & his family.

It is so beautiful how your husbands kids have accepted you & treat you as family. I'm so glad you have that.

I have been really struggling the past few days but only 21.5 days left of May & it will be over for another year! Yay! And who knows maybe May will end well this year! One can only hope 😊

Hope you have a week with more "good days" & personal victories.

with love, appreciation & hugs

TBella 🤗