Long hard fight

Tufflife · ‎28-04-2017

Hello all finding it hard to cope. My first experience with ptsd was when I was 7 years old. It was my first time fishing on a beach. I heard a scream, and turned around to see a man fall from a cliff. I was not far way and it still haunts me. It was sureel I can remember running around screaming for help. I felt so help less. Once the ambos got there and carefully got him on to trolley and in ambo he was dead in a few minutes. I was left with nightmares for several years, and started bed wetting which lasted years. Since that day I am scared of heights. My second ptsd experience was on 8/03/98 was a car accident into a tree, l got knocked out and woke up inside my car which was well alight, and full of smoke. The doors would not open, it got scary. Had to wind down window to get out. One night in hospital, and 3 days off work. Did 2 days of work and it was the weekend, felt lucky to be alive, the ptsd did not hit me yet. But that Saturday 14/03/98 I was in the city crossing flinders st and got hit by a police car speeding with no lights or sirens on. Did not get knocked out, remember it like yesterday. Almost lost my leg. 4 months in wheel chair 8 months off work. I was 20 years old in my prime, long hard road to recovery. I have been battling the black dog on and off since then, used alcohol and drugs for many years to self medicate. Have had on going back problems since then. For the last 19 years life has been a real struggle. I worry to much and all the other problems that come with ptsd. Lost most of my friends and have not had a girl friend since then. My life is a mess can't seem to get my shit together. With every passing year l look back and wish it was my last year alive. I am a broken man with no hope, goals or dreams. I am tired of fighting to stay alive. I have read some of the members story's and help u give each other. It has given me hope. And l don't feel alone, knowing there are people going though this life changing terrible stuff.

gld · ‎30-04-2017

Hi Tufflife,

Yes, I feel by coming here and reading others journeys that there is hope as i gain support that is out there for me to access. You are so right when you say, " I don't feel alone" this is so powerful and also shows us that it is possible to improve over time.

One thing that has hit home from coming here is to look after yourself on so many levels. Things like health, supports, searching for things that give us enjoyment and living in the now. I feel this is something that needs time and continuous work without beating ourselves up if it does not come as quick as we want.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time as i hold onto hope this new journey will give you all you desire.

Gen

Neil_1 · ‎01-05-2017

Hi there Tufflife, and welcome to Beyond Blue.

Thank you for sharing your post and oh wow, your name sure sums up your post. And that's only a small part of it as well ... without all the trauma of convalescing and rehab you would have gone through as well.

As gld mentioned, it's a matter of getting as many different kinds of supports into our daily lives as we can ... our coping mechanisms, to keep us going from day to day.

Keeping fit, keeping healthy, or as best we can are things that I try to work on myself ... getting as best a sleep as possible; drinking lots of water - eating as healthy as you can.

Thinking of things that make us happy and trying to do those ... even if it's a small thing, it's something.

Do you have a job? Keeping busy is another thing - to try as best as we can to keep the mind occupied, so we can push those 'bad dog' thoughts and tendencies as far deep in our mind as possible.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

Tufflife · ‎01-05-2017

Thanks Neil Yes I have a job. I work on roofs, any building above 4 floors or so which there is many. I try not to look over the edge. If I do I get a massive hit of anxiety which makes me freeze with fear. I hate it and have not got used to it, have been doing it for a year and a half. Been pushing on but it has not eased. I thought I could beat this fear. It is paralysing and I struggle even with safety harness on. I think this might not be good for me, the fear and anxiety is so overwhelming. It is the fear of falling every time even with harness holding me tight so it is not possible. I think I need to look for another job were I am on the ground. Walking on angled and ribbed roofs are not good for my back or leg which seem to be getting sore. The high light of my week is getting a massage which really helps. Week b4 Easter had a crash on my Quad bike, got thrown off down a steep hill. Landed on my head they on my back, then head and then back and same thing one more time. Very lucky I did not break my neck or back. I knew once I came to a stop, no bones broken. Had a couple of days off work because the next day I could not bend back or put on shoes. Very sore, went to doctors for X-rays. No breaks, spinal cord swollen. But found out I have arthritis in spine from being hit by car in 1998. Been puting up with back pain for years. Will have to stop riding quad bike, which I loved. The adrenalin of drifting side ways was like a drug for me. These things are so dangerous, but was the only thing that would make my feel alive. And in the back of my head I knew if it killed me, I would be happy I died doing some thing I loved. Because battling the back dog I have feared l would die by suicide. Been so close so many times. The best thing I have done in years is getting on this site and finding the forums. Reading others dealing with ptsd, their story's and journeys, has saved my life. I was at the end. Thank you so much that is u the people the members. I have hope, I am getting help. Thanks from Shane.

Tufflife · ‎01-05-2017

Thank you so much gld I have taken it all on board. I will and can get better. Small steps day by day. And all the others hear thank you too u are wonderfull people. I can feel the love I really can. From Shane.

gld · ‎08-05-2017

Hi Tufflife,

I too love coming here for that reason and now know it is better to find support than having to deal with it by yourself.

Yes quad biking is a sport of that gives you a feeling of a1 rush, you and your machine going flat out. Love two wheels myself but a little less extreme, on the road. There has to be another machine out there that gives a similar buzz and more safety. Now you have a challenge to get out and about trying new things until you find another thing that gives you that joy.

Have fun..

Gen

Tufflife · ‎08-06-2017

Hello gld and Neil Have not replied for a long time. Been reading others post and been getting help with a psychologist. Had a melt down and quit my job, was not copying. When to doctors, been on medication, for four weeks. What a time, hard to adjust, feeling sick and dopey. Did not get a good sleep for two and half weeks. When back to doctor and got something to help with sleep. Tuff time, am adjusted to medication now, and getting better sleep. From reading some threads and from psychologist found out about mindfulness. Went to library and got a book about it. Taking it all in, will learn to reprogram my brain. To stop the bad thoughts which are a pattern for me. Taking it day by day. Thanks all hope u are doing well. From Shane.

gld · ‎08-06-2017

Hi Tufflife,

Glad you are finding the support through your doctor, psychologist and medication.

Love to hear how your mindfulness is going as i have just read a book on that very subject. Breathing in deep breaths is great for relaxing and bringing you back in the moment.

Be kind on yourself and go at a pace that is gentle on you.

All the best,

Gen

Ps You are not alone and tomorrow is a new day...to start off fresh.

Tufflife · ‎09-06-2017

Thxs gld. Yes on my way to getting myself and mind better. Day by day. Learning mindfulness is a new thing to me, only a beginner at it, and not full mastered. But like any thing it takes time. But so far it has really help ease my troubled mind. It amazing how it can be used on so many ways. Tried some mindfulness walking to day, first time it is great but felt awkward just trying it. But got connection from mind and body. Let me know how you are going with it. With practice and time it will empower you. Good to hear from you, enjoy living in the moment. Shane