Hey everyone, thanks for letting me join. I don’t usually post about this stuff, but I’m really struggling and honestly feel hopeless right now.
Trigger warning: trauma, sexual assault, suicidal thoughts. Please take care reading.
I’m 33, autistic, and my wife and I are doing IVF (near the end of our first cycle). We’re both asexual due to trauma, so her GP referred us to a bulk-billing clinic since we can’t have intercourse. My wife is handling her trauma incredibly well despite all the pain and discomfort of IVF. It’s me who’s falling apart.
I’m a survivor of childhood sexual assault and kidnapping. When I was 5, I saw my mum drugged and brutalised while we were held for 4 days. I’ve carried this my whole life. Even after years of therapy, it sits under the surface, and when I get triggered, I spiral for weeks. There’s also a smaller trauma from age 9, I woke briefly during surgery and fought the nurses. It left me with a huge aversion to anesthesia.
In 2 weeks, my wife has her egg collection. It involves anesthesia and a really invasive procedure. I’ve been terrified for months. I’m constantly in fight-or-flight, unable to socialise or get anything done, just catastrophising nonstop.
What’s making it worse is the clinic. We disclosed our traumas upfront. They acknowledged hers and offered accommodations, but mine felt ignored. One doctor told me I’d “be fine” since I’m not the one having the procedure. The next acknowledged my trauma but said my requests (staying with my wife until she’s under, and being told immediately when it’s over) “aren’t possible due to protocol”. No apology, nothing.
We had mandatory counselling, and the psychologist agreed I’d been alienated. She put a note in our file asking for reasonable accommodations. My therapist backed this up too. But in our latest nurse consult, she said she saw the “critical note” but that protocol makes it “too disruptive to change on the day.” I just shut down and left the call.
Now my dread is only getting worse. My wife’s sore and irritable from the meds and can’t keep dealing with my breakdowns. I feel like I’m ruining this for her, making it all about me, and being punished for something I never chose. IVF was supposed to help us work around my trauma, but instead, it’s retraumatising me. If I get through egg collection at all, I’m seriously thinking of just leaving my sample and ending my life so she can keep going without me ruining her dream.
Thanks for reading.
