Is my boyfriend sexually abusing me?

[Anna27]

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. We have sex and that part is fine. But last month, we were just laying about on his bed, nothing sexual was happening, and he randomly decided to try to initiate a sexual encounter. It caught me off guard, I said no and stop and pulled away, and instead of backing off he tried harder, as though it were some sort of challenge. He only stopped when I thrashed my arm out and it hit him in the face. I was visibly upset, he apologised and left shortly after, but I was left feeling violated and hurt like I never have before, I cried a lot and kept waking up randomly that night feeling panicked.

A few days after it happened, I talked to him and explained how not okay that was, and that I expect him to stop when I say no and respect my boundaries. Recently though, it happened again. Just like last time, we were just laying about watching a movie, not engaging with each other sexually, and he asked me if he could initiate sexual contact. I trusted that he would respect my wishes when I said do X, not Y. He then proceeded anyway.

In the moment I was in shock, I didn't really react. The next day I was furious that this happened again. I told him again how not okay that was, and asked him to reflect on why he did it. He kept saying "it just happened" and "I don't have answers". I asked him a string of questions to try and get to the bottom of it, and two things emerged: 1) he said he assumed that I would like it because I usually like this activity (when we're actually having sex); and 2) because I didn't explicitly say "no" (I said only do X, not Y), he took that to mean yes or that it was okay. I know these are both indications that he does not understand how consent works, so that may be the issue here.

My concern now, in addition to trying to deal with the broken trust and hurt this has caused me, is how I can be sure it won't happen again. His lack of self-awareness and lack of willingness to face his guilt and step up to the plate to take responsibility for his mistake, makes me feel like it may happen a third time, and so staying with him would be a risk to myself. I don't think he is doing it with the intent to harm me, but clearly it is harming me. I've never been touched by anyone without my consent before. I'm struggling with what to make of all this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Anna

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in such a difficult situation.

You already know that your boyfriend's actions on both occaisions were inappropriate and wrong. There really is no "grey" here. Incidents like the ones you described shouldn't happen in a loving, respectful relationship.

You've absolutely done the right thing by calling out the bad behaviour. His response on the second occasion is really underwhelming. But it's the fact that he did it a second time, after you had already pulled him up, that is really alarming.

You are correct to assume that this will happen again based on the "evidence". Next time you might not be so lucky--he might disregard your wishes entirely.

As far as I'm concerned he's out of chances. Your dignity, self-respect and safety matters, far more than one particular boyfriend. You matter. I really want to encourage you to protect yourself.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hello Anna, your comment is rather concerning and to answer your question 'is my boyfriend sexually abusing you', the answer is I believe so, and as Summer Rose has said he's run out of chances.

I would be considering your options and deciding what you want to do, we can't tell you what we think you should be doing.

Only doing X should be X, the boundaries shouldn't be broken.

Sorry for how you feel.

Geoff.

[Spot2]

Hello Anna,

I'm so terribly sorry for what has been happening to you and I'd like to send you the most heartfelt hugs that I possibly can.

When something like this happens once, we hope and pray that maybe there was a way they were 'unaware' of what they were doing, unfortunately, more often than not, they know exactly what they're doing and they know exactly what they're doing is wrong... The fact that he responded with excuses such as "it just happened" and "I don't have answers" shows he has a complete lack of responsibility and it seems as though he, unfortunately, won't be owning up anytime soon.

I can tell that you're incredibly bright and aware and you're wanting to be proactive about the situation. Going through something like this is incredibly traumatic, especially when it happens on more than one occasion. I feel for you with all my heart, I can imagine the hurt and confusion you must be feeling.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can say from my experience with my now ex-boyfriend, there is a likely chance of a third time... and a fourth... and a fifth... and so on... It is possible that your situation may end up different, but judging by the information you've provided us, it's evidence that there is a lack of respect on his behalf towards you. If someone truly respects you, they would respect your boundaries and X would mean only X, and nothing else.

That took me 3 years to learn... I am finally free as of April this year and am slowly on the mend. I'm purely speaking from experience and I can understand just how hurt you are and I don't want you to be hurting anymore.

My advice is to take care of yourself, put yourself first and your best interests first, protect yourself, watch your back, remain aware. You can never be too careful, especially when someone has betrayed your trust, and on more than one occasion too.

I'm sending my biggest of hugs to you in this time and I hope you have someone to support you by your side, you deserve that. I agree with Summer Rose, as far as I'm concerned as well, he is out of chances. I also agree with geoff, we can't tell you what to do but regardless, I hope you protect yourself, take care of yourself and are able to find a solution whichever way you choose to go.

Spot xx