Is it ok to ask my grown son to give me a safe place to stay for a while away from his father?

Tardy · ‎02-09-2019

I’ve been married for more than 40 years. Our relationship is now toxic and I need to get out. My husband had pushed and persuaded me to move interstate and now I’m isolated from my family and friends. Up until then I was happy. I loved where I was living, my home was my sanctuary. I do like where I am now but can no longer live with my husband. My husband abuses me in the most strange way and that’s by getting me off guard and when I believe all is going really smoothly he’ll do the most hurtful things. But most distressingly, he’ll hurt me by not allowing me to heal or recover when I’m sick and where possible he’ll find a way to physically hurt me or cause pain. Eg. I was suffering from cluster headaches. OUCH! Also known as (suicide headaches) They’d start at 3am and he’d hold me as I struggle and cried. I became noise sensitive, loud sounds triggered an attack. Husband would use his industrial wipper snipper for hours and then his industrial leaf blower, when I finally caught his attention to stop he flew into a rage and told me his entitled to use his equipment as he wishes. He’d turn all the taps off incredible tight when my hands had flared up with arthritis . After diagnosed with fibromyalgia he’d convince me massage would help, these massages became so painful I’d scream and cry for him to stop, but he’d just laugh at me while drinking wine as he’s hurting me. I’d feel sick for hours after and was bruised so deeply that after showing a friend they were shocked and simply said, ‘that’s really dangerous’. When I’d asked him about this just recently he said: there must be something wrong with your body because I wasn’t pressing hard. And there’s many more similar incidents over the years. My family and friends simply don’t understand how bad my situation can be, to all he is or can be kind and charming. He also engages in other forms of ‘gaslighting’ leaving me so confused and bewildered I can hardly function. I have nowhere to go and I’m desperate to leave this madness. I’d like to know if it’s ok to ask my son to allow me to stay with him for a while as he lives alone? I don’t like the idea of painting a bad picture of his father to him and this is not my intention. I feel I need a safe place to think and heal. Right now my husband doing what he can to be nice helpful and involved with my decisions while I’m trying to work out where I’d want to purchase a new home and live.

Sophie_M · ‎02-09-2019

Hi Tardy,

We are sorry to hear that your relationship with your husband has now turned toxic. It must be very distressing to feel like you are not safe in your own home, and that your family and friends are not understanding of how severe your situation is. Please know that we take reports of abuse seriously and would encourage you to reach out to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ) to talk your situation through. If you are ever in immediate danger, please call 000.

We’d ask that you check back in to let us know that you have a plan to keep yourself safe. You're not alone in this.

Summer Rose · ‎02-09-2019

Hi Tardy

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I know I don't have to tell you that your husband's behaviour is intolerable, as you are the one living it. My heart goes out to you.

The manner in which he inflicts abuse on you is really quite disturbing. To me, your post reads as though he's enjoying finding ways to torture you. Is that how you feel?

I would encourage you to call the advisers at RESPECT, as Sophie has suggested, and discuss the matter. Primarily this is because I don't know how a man like your husband, after 40 years of marriage, will respond to you leaving and I am concerned about you.

In principle, I think it's fine to reach out to your son. I would suggest again that you discuss this with the experts at RESPECT. It may be more prudent to initially go somewhere your husband can't find you, just to ensure your safety.

Does your son know about the abuse? Would it surprise him to learn that you are seeking to leave your marriage? You don't have to answer here unless you want to, but you do need to think about what you will say to your son.

I think you are incredibly brave to have made this decision and please know that this community (myself included) will support you.

Please don't hesitate to ring the police if you're in immediate danger. The most important thing now is that you stay safe until you can get away.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Nothing but kindness to you

blondguy · ‎02-09-2019

Hello Tardy

As Sophie_M mentioned in her post above.....we are sorry to read about the pain you have been going through with your husband. I have also been in a toxic relationship that was emotionally and physically abusive and its a dark place to be in Tardy

Can I ask if you have spoken with your son about wanting to heal and have some peace? Of course you dont want to paint a bad picture of your husband. You actually answered your own question when you mentioned " I feel I need a safe place to think and heal" Would your son be okay if you had some time out at his place?

I am in my late 50's and a volunteer on the forums Tardy. You are incredibly strong by reaching out to us in such a difficult time. There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you if you want a chat

We take your privacy seriously here Tardy. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post

you are not alone here

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

paddyanne · ‎04-09-2019

Hi Tardy. It's completely unrealistic for you to remain with this abuse. I sincerely hope and pray you have managed to phone or contact RESPECT for immediate help to leave this. Your husband also needs help, but this is not your concern. Asking your son if you can stay with him means involving him between you two. No doubt he either knows nothing about this, or his dad has played down his actions by telling him he doesn't mean anything. It almost sounds as though your husband doesn't believe you're serious about moving, so by bending over backwards to assist you, maybe you'll change your mind. I suggest you contact your son and just casually mention you need 'time out' as you're not well and dad isn't coping with your illness. This stops your son from becoming a 'patsy' and he doesn't have to know the truth. Your husband sounds as though he is narcissist, narcs are good at covering their tracks and making everyone believe they're being kind to their families. Like the others who have posted, I'm concerned about your state of health and the constant abuse you live with.

Tardy · ‎05-09-2019

Thank you for your kind concern. I’ve calmed down a little and have decided not to ask my son. I don’t think I could stay there without eventually saying too much. My Sons were good at noticing something up. I’m a very emotional person. I’ve had a talk to my GP he also recommended 1800RESPECT. Next step is a councillor. Right now the hardest thing is dealing with the emotions, I have so much anger and hurt to work through. I really don’t know how things will go from one day to the next but I guess I’m on the right path now.

Tardy · ‎05-09-2019

Thank you Paul for your kind words and support. Right now it’s all ok. I felt so lonely and vulnerable and I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems and tears and I guess I really wanted a strong hug from someone I know cares for me, but for now I’ve decided not to involve my son.

Again Thank you.

paddyanne · ‎05-09-2019

Hi Tardy. I'm pleased you have thought twice about involving your sons. Your emotions are all over the place, anger, hurt, betrayal, even grief that things have gotten so bad that leaving is the only alternative. You have invested many years to this relationship so perhaps too there's a feeling of failure. You haven't failed although that feeling is possibly part of where you are emotionally. The counselling you mentioned will help you with the emotions you're dealing with. How are things with your husband at the moment? I guess you're still walking on eggshells. He needs to face his demons too to figure out why he has been so cruel. How much do you know about his early life, before he met you? Many children raised in violent or 'gaslighting' situations carried this on into their adult life. My ex FIL frequently told his late wife he adored her, she was the love of his life etc. In the next breath she would be told to be quiet and only speak when she 'knew' what she was talking about. Poor women didn't know when to speak and what she was 'allowed' to say. To my ex and his siblings, this was their normal so this behavior continued into their marriages.

Tardy · ‎06-09-2019

Thank you Summer Rose,

we are in the process of selling our house and separating. We’re been through this process before, just last year but somehow things fell through and I tried one more time. He said he’d have counseling, had a few sessions and was ok for a short while. I do think he’s trying to lure me back but I’ve become defiant. My Family has no idea how harmful he is to me. They do know his personality well but he is a man of many masks and they really don’t know the gravity of the situation. Yes they do know that their dad sometimes does weird things to me but always underplay his actions. Which makes me terribly confused and may make him think it’s ok. I really think this fueled his gaslighting.

I was terrified after I pressed the -Post This button on this forum, I couldn’t sleep, praying I won’t regret it. Was in a cold sweat for a couple of days, I really don’t know why.. Thank you all for your kindness mostly thank you for validating the seriousness of his actions. This has given me hope and strength.

I really don’t think he’d be physically abusive when we separate. Not his style. He’s likes people to think his this happy go lucky likeable sort of bloke and always hides what he does well. And he does, to me too. I think he’ll try to stay in my life to keep controlling my decision and actions. Yes, I do think he enjoys to see me cry when he’s hurting me whether that’s physically or mentally. At the time he was giving regular massages they would become hard and harder until I was getting bruised and cry, he convinced me this is good as I needed to remove the knots in my muscles. Then one day he pored himself a red wine just before he started and when I was crying and screaming for him to stop he’d laugh. It was his entertainment and he was truly enjoying himself. I felt devastated. He also gaslights me and lies about it then argues and argues until I’m really upset because his lying about the lie and then blames me for it. If this sounds confusing in reality it’s just crazy. He never ever apologises and always starts a sentence with - I didn’t, I don’t or I won’t when clearly He did, He does and He has. Sorry about the rant. And thank you again.

Tardy · ‎06-09-2019

Thank you Sophie, I have just recently visited my GP and he advised the same. I now Understand the value of the support and kindness of this forum, therefore, I will have no hesitation to contact the 1800RESPECT line. I think I really needed to validate that I’m not just overreacting or wasting someone’s time. Thank you again for your care. It’s given me hope.