INVISIBLE WALL OF FEAR

[Eveee]

Hello,

So I am constantly writing my thoughts out in my journal and thought instead of doing that tonight, maybe I should write to someone who might understand what I am going through. Basically, I am stuck. Everything was going well for me until mid last year when I "lost my marbles" so to speak. I had severe panic attacks, kept running away (I'm married and I'm almost 30 years old might I add) suicide attempts etc - literally, everything I knew about myself had changed. I had PTSD & depression in my teens but I thought I had it all under control. I know I have anxiety and depression amongst other diagnosed illness's. This time last year, I was starting to get back on top of things, I eventually went back to work and started to feel like myself again. And then its changed AGAIN. Fast forward 9 months and I am stuck. I have stopped seeing my Psychologist, I don't like leaving the house without my wife, she's definitely my safety blanket and I have stopped going to work. Because of all of this, we are financially strained, my wife is constantly on the watch incase I have a "Eve 24 or 48" which is basically after I have a panic attack, I shut down and don't talk or try and run away into the night and this can last up to a couple of days. I hate this about myself and I know that the right thing to do is to get back to work, see my psychologist and all the other obvious strategies. But I just can't seem to push past this invisible wall of fear and avoidance and it is crippling not only myself but my family too. Theres obviously more to my story but I will leave it at that. Thanks for listening/reading. Looking forward to getting to know you all.

Thank you, Eve

[Guest_5218]

Hello Eve, and a big welcome to you into the BB forum family. You have come to the right place if what you seek is understanding, compassion and well intended advice from fellow suffers.

I'm a fellow sufferer of PTSD, together with the inevitable anxiety and depression that comes along with it. I also have OCD that seems to have developed along the way as a coping mechanism. Unfortunately our brains dont always tow the line when it comes to making sense. I've experienced similar to what it sounds like you have been experiencing and it becomes very discouraging when we start to feel we are on top of things only for things to suddenly turn to sh** when we least expect or need it. For me, I've been experiencing PTSD for 21 year now. I'm a 58 year female and married.

You say in your intro post that the right thing for you is to 'get back to work, see your psychologist, etc'. Can I just point out that perhaps you should consider changing the order of your aims. Start with seeing a psychologist and they can help you get back to work, and in turn that will help with the financial difficulties that you and your wife are currently dealing with. A psych can also help with providing the support you need to start developing better coping strategies and building more effective ways to manage your ongoing symptoms.

You havent said whether you have had any trauma therapy in the past. If you havent, then this may be worth considering. There are a number of successful therapies that can be undertaken with a competent clinical psych trained specifically for such treatments. Although these therapies are traumatising in themself, they do assist with desensitizing our emotions around the traumatic events which cause our distress.

As you say Eve, you clearly have much still to tell. I would like to offer you an understanding and empathetic ear to which you can talk. So please feel free to do so whenever you feel you're ready to do so. You will find many others here on the forum as well who are only too willing to offer their support along the way.

I hope you will write again, and I look forward to talking further.

Sherie

[Eveee]

Hello Sherie,

Thank you for replying and opening up about your journey - I appreciate it so much.

You are absolutely right. However, last time I saw my Psychologist I was in an ok head space and she was emphasising how beneficial it would be for me to be back at work and get some structure in my life. The thing is, its the fear of failure stopping me and my little day to day triggers. I'm a little embarrassed by my triggers and I'm not too sure where they stem from. Last year when everything happened, I had a few possible situations that may of pushed me to the edge; my mum had minor surgery, my dog got really sick and there was some work place bullying (that was rectified) all of the above worked itself out. But now, every time my dog looks at me the wrong way or has any of the symptoms when he has when he was sick, I lose my sh*t. It's gotten to the point where I don't wear certain clothing or I won't mop the floor because thats what I did last time and it might make whatever situation that was bad at the time, happen again. Does that make sense? So now i'm scared to move forward because in my head, I think something will stop me from continuing. Hence the invisible wall of fear.

In my teens I saw a psychologist for my anxiety & depression. Since then I have seen a few counsellors and was linked in with Psyc Services. I currently (well should be) seeing a Psychologist. I also got in touch with a Psychiatrist who diagnosed me with BPD traits (assuming because of suicide attempts & attachment to my wife), but my Psychologist, Case Worker and other health pro's have disagreed with that diagnoses? So I am a little lost as to what I need to be treating? How do I move forward from this and knock that damn wall down?

Thanks, Eve