I wasted my life and I want out

[susiecaramel]

I am an only child. Grew up in middle class household. Never been poor, but couldn't afford lots of luxuries. My father drunk quite a bit and spent time with his friends, roaming bars, more than with mum and I.
I really hated my father's drinking. Not only that he never accepted the fact that he was a drunk, he would come drunk to my school for parent-teacher interviews and that really made me sad. I was a geeky girl (straight A student) and whilst I was never bullied or unpopular, I was not popular either (I was nothing). I asked him numerous times not to be around me nor talk to me when drunk, he'd promised numerous time he won't and he'll stop drinking, and...continued as usual. Sometimes he'd say he would've liked me that I was a boy; he would then stop drinking and do boy's stuff with me.
My mother was pretty much there to support my dad. Whilst he worked all of his life, 90% of his income was going to satisfy his needs: drinking, catching up with drinking buddies, travelling (by himself!), cars,...
My mum worked full time, too, and she paid for roof over our head, bills, food, my needs,... We never traveled anywhere as a family, other than visiting our extended family and staying with them. My mother's priority was to maintain peace in the house. When dad came home drunk, I was sent to my room; when he started yelling, I was told not to respond or cry and just retreat to my room. They would then go to their bedroom, have sex, he'd fall asleep and my mum would come to get me from my bedroom (unless I was asleep which I often pretended to be, especially as I got older, because all of that disgusted me).
My father subsequently stopped drinking when we found out I was carrying a boy, literally overnight - I came home from the hospital, told them I'm carrying a boy, he got up and threw away every single bottle containing alcohol, including low grade rum we used for baking. He didn't want his grandson to ever see him drunk and he never had a single drop of alcohol ever since and would preach to everyone and anyone...
My ex and I met at the age of 17. Got married really (really!) young. Looking back, I felt I was his 'meal ticket' all these years - out of 30 years together he probably worked 10 years. I don't know why I stuck around when all of our arguments usually ended with "if you don't like it, we can divorce".
I really didn't want to divorce. That is not what real wives and mothers do. I always tried to find the excuse for his behaviors. I am really boring. I have been working full time from the age of 17 and cannot remember every being out of work except for maternity break. I am lucky in my line of work and have always managed to prioritize my children. I like spending time at home, cooking, maintaining my home, spending time with family and friends.
I used to like going out, too, but often when we'd go out, he'd have few drinks and start putting me down...silly things like having a big nose (it's not, but it's not little feminine nose the way he likes it), being a bit thick in the head (I'm not, I have mathematics degree, I'm not dumb, we just may not be on the same wavelength and generally my point of view is a wrong one), derogatory things about my extended family (my extended family is colorful but that is not my fault and definitely no reason to bring up as a topic of conversation). When he's sober, I'd bring it up and he'd start yelling at me that I'm a cow/idiot/...'insert any derogatory name' and that I'm too sensitive.
I often tried to justify his behavior because he used to tell me his father was quite physically abusive when he was a little child, until the age of 15:
he got drunk because he was unhappy - how can I make him happy? (I didn't realize at the time that no-one can make you happy...happiness is individual and internal)
he smashed the house (tore of the ceiling in the dining room)/furniture/dishes - we better be quiet when he comes home
I said 'no' and he continued on, calling me frigid 'derogatory name'  after I couldn't stop crying
woke me up by abusing me because he had a dream that I cheated on him
harming our 7 y/o because he was sleeping next to me because of nightmares
refusing to pick up our sick 13 y/o old after she missed her school bus because he was playing cards across the town (not working at the time) and when she started crying, told her to call the bus company and complain so they can organize transport for her
whenever I cook something, he'd compare it to his mother's/grandmother's/aunt's/... cooking or he would 'hoover' in the kitchen to tell me how to do stuff - I'm no Nigela by any stretch of imagination but I quite like cooking and prepare healthy and hearty meals that people (and most importantly my children!) really like to eat
he hated when my parents came over and perhaps offer an advice (as all parents do) - admittedly my father was not the easiest person to live with
he didn't like my friends because they were gay/fat/poor/...and any time spent with them was a waste and not something a respectful wife and mother should do
................
Number of people in our community (friends/acquaintances/people we see in church...) commented how they would really like to form friendship with our family but they found him hard to deal with.
Subsequently he stopped drinking but started behaving 'holier than thou' when offered a drink...
We divorced 15 years ago but he remained living in my house with our kids because he didn't have a place to go, our child got seriously ill, etc.
I supported him and his hobbies...hunting, fishing, boating,...but grew unhappy with every passing day, to the point of crying and having borderline panic attacks on my way home from work.
He then decided he didn't want to be in the same bed with me. He moved into the spare room. He spent every waking moments on his hobbies or computer games, usually sitting around in his underwear (when in the house).
We grew more and more apart. Or perhaps - I grew more and more resentful of everything: my life, my letting him get away with shit that I shouldn't have,.........Whilst we grew apart as a couple, we remained civil and didn't argue with each other. I tried to talk to him number of times to at least help me with house chores and cooking because he is in the house all day every day. He usually refused, saying that he won't pick up after MY children (they are OUR children) and even if he made/order food, he'd do it for himself only.
I had enough and asked him to leave.
He did. He inherited a house 1 months ago on the other side of the state so he moved there. He only receives small income (enough for basic lifestyle) so he wanted me to help him with some bills. I have. He wanted me to visit. I have. He wanted me to help him with the move. I have.
He introduced me to his neighbors as his "Mrs" and is trying to persuade me to sell my house and move in with him. I don't want to and feel guilty for refusing him.
I can see myself living in that beautiful little town. But not with him.
When I think about, potentially, going to bed with him, I have a knot in my stomach.
We do not argue. We talk as friends.
I have an old house, it needs either major renovation or knock-down rebuild. I don't have money for that. I can sell it and downsize. I still work full time. However, I hate my life. I hate the fact that I wasted it. I hate the fact that ALL my life I try to please people around me, support them (financially and emotionally) and I am now empty and have no-one to support me (emotionally). My parents passed away. One of my children passed away. I am finally alone, at a dusk of my life and I have no will to continue. I would like to go dancing/travelling/skiing/...I have no energy/will/motivation to do anything.
I like people watching. I like watching couples, exchanging glances at each other, holding hands, .... I feel I have so much to give, but no-one wants it. No-one wants me. I am no-one. I am seriously struggling to find a single reason (other than my children) to remain alive.

I don't want to do it (commit suicide) but I really am tired of being no-one to anyone.

[smallwolf]

susiecaramel,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. Such a long and sad story. I am listening to you, but as I write this, not sure exactly what to respond to. Perhaps you will allow me to sit in the silence with you, with some thoughts...

Firstly, you could look at a thread "three things to be thankful for" on the forums here. If you cannot find it, it will show up in a google search. The forum here is full of helpful and supportive people. I do have one questions...

You said you like watching people etc. If not doing that your shopping center, from a coffee shop? Then perhaps watching a movie (and come back and tell me about it)? Do you have much/any contact with people in your community (friends/people at church)?

My psychologist wants to do more activities. We sometimes don't want to do the things that are good for us. Like dancing, or travelling or ???? Distractions, that create connections and restoring community in our lives.

Looking for to hearing from you,

Tim

[Tread]

Dear Susie,

we are in very similar situations you and I. Time and tide waits for no man. When you reach the end and feel like there’s no point. You may as well reach out and grab an opportunity. Not people.

Go see something that will broaden your scope. Try something new. It does the world of good. Another thing that helped me, was ripping the plaster off with your ex. It’s very empowering. Sorry (mr ex), we are not a couple. We can be friends but that’s give and take. I’ll give what I want and I’ll take the time I need.

Theres only one thing worse than dwelling on the time that’s already gone, and that’s wasting today and adding that to the list. Get your spark back... people are attracted to people with spark. You’ll meet friends along your travels. Take time out, to find what makes you happy, to ensure you don’t end up with someone that doesn’t make you sparkle. It’s never too late.. you have wisdom up your sleeve things are so much more enjoyable when you appreciate it.