I've broken up with my ex who I think sexually assaulted me

[Beccahadz]

Hi all,

Recently I've broken up with my ex who I think sexually assaulted me. 

He woke me up at ridiculous times in the morning, for sex. However I kept saying no, he wouldn't give up, after I said no several times. However, I had no other choice but to eventually say yes to having sex otherwise he would've continued doing it and I only said yes to stop him. He's done this three times, and I've finally dumped him.

Its been three weeks since I left him, and I still get nightmares sometimes of what happened. Thanks for reading though, I just needed somewhere to tell my story.

[PamelaR]

Hello Beccahadz and a warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums

I am so sorry to hear that your ex partner raped you. Such an awful thing to have happen to you. You are right though - Saying no means NO. That has to be respected. Good on you leaving.

Now though, I can imagine the trauma you are experiencing from your assault. I too have been raped, once when I was very young, once by my first husband and once by a work colleague. The impact of these experiences was debilitating, though, I eventually found that the anxiety that comes from the trauma is manageable. For me it took time, patience, an understanding doctor and psychologists. And much pain, emotional turmoil, blackness that I thought I'd never recover from.

My heart goes out to you. It's an absolute awful place to be in for you right now. Do you have a close family member or trusted friend you can talk to? Talking helps, there are many support services available, these include:

• 1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 732
• HealthDirect Australian government - do a google search
• ReachOut Australia - if you're under 25. Do a google search

PTSD is the pits, though it is manageable. From my experience the sooner I saw a doctor and got a referral to a health therapist the easier it made my recovery and my healing.

Dear Becca, please keep reaching out if you want to. You're not alone at all. There will be so many things you'll need to think about in the coming weeks and months. It will feel like taking one step forward and 5 steps back. Time is what is needed to heal. I would really like to know how you get on.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Doolhof]

Hi Beccahadz,

Welcome tot he community here. I see that PamelaR has provided you with a very emotional and supportive response. Please do use the phone help lines if you feel comfortable doing so. It may feel awkward, but the people on those support lines are trained to help.

It is unfortunate that some people feel it is their right to have sex even though people say NO to them.

You have done nothing wrong in any of this. You tried to make yourself heard and you were not listened to. It is not normal for one person in a relationship to have such power over someone else.

Are you somewhere safe now? Do you have people around you whom you can talk to? You don't have to mention your situation in great detail, just knowing others are there for you helps.

As you move forward and form a new relationship with another guy, it may be beneficial to tell him what has happened in the past, if he shows understanding and care, than you will have an idea about your furture relationship with him.

Not all men ignore the word NO.

Please feel welcome to write more here about how you are feeling and how we may be able to assist you.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Beccahadz~

I too would like to welcome you here, as you can see other people understand and would offer comfort.

Being coerced, which I think is what happened to you, is particularly nasty. Because no actual physical violence is involved the perpetrator can attempt to shrug it off. It can cause deep harm, feeling unvalued and powerless will be remembered for a very long time as will being unable to trust.

PamelaR has given good advice in pointing out resources you can use, please do use them when you are distressed, they expect it and really are there for anyone who is in need. PamelaR is also a shining example of recovery and triumph over the most harrowing of circumstances.

Breaking off with your ex must have been a hard thing to do, and many do not have the courage or strength to do it and simple continue in a toxic relationship. That strength will always be with you, you know you should not be devalued and can take measures to ensure it does not happen.

I'm glad Mrs D talked about the future. While you have had the great misfortune to be with someone that puts them-self first and does not really care about you it does not mean everyone is like that. As she says there are those who respect the word NO.

In fact there are many who look for and appreciate an equal partner in a relationship, I'm one and it really is a joy to be with someone who has equal responsibility, equal say and their own views. Anything else is a pale imitation.

Sadly 3 weeks is not a long time in the scheme of things, if you have someone to support you, perhaps a family member or caring friend, then it does make things easier.

I too hope you can come here and talk as much as you would like

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Beccahadz, well done for dumping him.

I believe doing this is sexual abuse and it is most likely to cause PTSD, although I'm not qualified to say.

He has forced himself on you so you had to give in and allow him to get what he's after basically so no other problems may have happened.

The difficulty is proving this, but if any of your friends who are single and have met this chap, tell them what's happened so they won't be conned in by him.

As suggested contact these services as well as to book an appointment with your GP.

It's a terrible situation you were in and I too feel so sorry for you.

Geoff.