I think I've realized why I have such a hard time with friends and relationships

[44Max44]

For a long time now I've had a lot of trouble with relationships, whether that be with friends, family, romantic partners, or whatever else. I never really knew why this was the case, but after a bit of thinking the other day, I think I know why this is the case, or at least part of the reason it's the case.

As a kid I had 3 best friends (all at different points in time), I never really had big friend groups, I would just have 1 main friend that I put all of my time and effort into. I realized that all 3 ended badly and quite suddenly, all for stupid reasons.

With the first, one day we were playing the N64 and I accidentally spilled a drink, which spilled onto some of his Pokemon cards and ruined them. When he saw this, he started screaming and crying and said "I hate you, I never want to see you again" and at that point I was crying and just waited for my Mum to pick me up. I never saw him again. He was my best friend for years, and we fell out over a dumb accident.

My next best friend pretty much threw me under the bus. One day, my friend's older brother came home early from work, and saw that his xbox controller joysticks had been chewed up. I wasn't me, it was all my friend, but he immediately threw me under the bus and blamed me for doing it. His older brother then started yelling at me and scared the shit out of me, and that traumatized me, so I never saw that friend again after that either (not that I wanted to, you never throw your friends under the bus).

With my third best friend, one day we had a disagreement, I won't say what about because I am already nearing the character limit, but it was a stupid disagreement and we stopped hanging out after that.


Anyways,
This is why I think I don't even bother with relationships now. As a child I was conditioned to think that all relationships would inevitably end for little to no reason, so "what's the point in putting any effort into them at all?". I lost 3 best friends that I put my heart and soul into, all over trivial things. 

My parents also divorced when I was quite young, and my older brother had a new girlfriend pretty much every other month (so I never even bothered to get to know any of them). Both of those things probably just further cemented that mindset into me. 

Anyways, I'm not looking to get any advice out of this post really, I just wanted to speak my mind. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thanks for your story. It is interesting.

I've had 4 long term relationships. 7, 11, 10 and 12 years. The first 3 relationships had sad endings and each time so after the 10 year one ended I believed I's never find love again. But I did. I'm happily married.

My point is that you've ended up with a "what's the point" attitude towards people but I'd suggest that the better attitude is to more carefully select friends and potential partner more wisely, which isnt easy actually.

It is no wonder I'm happily married. In common we have so many things like animal welfare, picnics at the beach, AFL footy, caravanning and so on. The formula for meeting like minded people isnt rocket science, pursue sports, hobbies and so on and spend time getting to know those people. It could be some of their friends that you find a connection.

Good luck

TonyWK

[Downbutnotout]

Hi! Thank you for sharing. That is a terrific insight and  can totally understand why those negative upsetting experiences have put you off making new best friends.

I had similar experiences when I was younger. I think because I was shy, a people pleaser and an easy target. I ended up joining a small theatre group and made so many different friends. It opened up my world as community theatre is very accepting of diverse types of people with do many different ways of contributing.

Anyway, just wanted to encourage you to not give up because of those childhood experiences. Hang out with the people who earn your trust and you will feel safe to get close to.

All the best x