I never know where to start or when to finish.....

[Joyceyy]

So this will be my first post here.. like the title says its hard to know where to start,

Im 23 and i have two young children. One is just about 4 and the other is 9 weeks old, both boys.

Im currently in a relationship with a 22year old man.. and have been for a year and a half.. i would still consider myself a solo parent though.

Our relationship seemed great in the start however that quickly gained all the nasties.

Control , jealously , isolation , double standards,carelessness and emotional abuse.

I have been called every single name .. under the sun.

I have been physcially hurt.

I am always rejected and pushed to one side and as of late im now living completely alone as he says his life is better without me.

Every day for 3 weeks ive tried to get him back, ive stayed at his friends , ive gone backwards and forwards at ridiculous hours spent all my money trying to be by his side. When i was there.. i was basically pushed to the side the whole time although he claimed to have wanted me there. I lived for the moment he hopped in bed next to me. Even tho he went straight to sleep. I miss his companionship thats been gone for so long.

I need help.

I cant pull myself away.

The dv has me trapped . I feel like i need him and am nothing without him.i can't eat. I cant sleep. I hate waking up. I hatethinking. I cant stop thinking. I feel so trapped within myself and i am always looking for or imagining escapes.

I cant focus on my children.

I never have anytime to just be me.

And im so disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

What can i do.

Will he change

Is it worth trying

Im so unsure of my whole being.

I feel like a long time ago i shouldve turned right but instead i went left.

[geoff]

hello Joyceyy, I want to thankyou for joining the site, it's been a very brave and truly a very strong decision by you, because you're asking for something that when you look at it on paper shouldn't have to be.
He won't change, his abuse won't stop and his name calling will never ease off, he wants a victim and that's exactly what you are his puppet, I'm sorry to put it this way, but the companionship you are desperately looking for and want in your life is not going to come from him.
I don't know whether or not he is drinking, and I'm sorry for raising this, but his behaviour indicates that he might be doing this or something else, because everything he is doing is detrimental for your health, safety and causing a bad influence on how your boys are raised.
You are wanting to live with someone, that's your ultimate goal, someone to help bring up your sons and share the costs, which I don't think he would be doing.
He's not the person who you can text, ring or lay in bed hoping for a cuddle, he will tell you whatever he wants to do, and if you try and push an issue, is only going to make him angry, he is in control and abuse you whenever he feels like he wants to.
You start a r/ship with all the love in the world, but after a certain time this begins to fade away and the real person begins to show himself.
I'm sure that he wouldn't like the baby crying, demanding your attention when he wants to use you, but sex won't keep a r/ship/marriage going, there's more involved and much more communication needed for a r/ship to survive, bashing, and everything else he does is not a suitable way to raise your children.
Joyceyy, this is only the first reply back to you from me, but please please reject everything about this guy, he's dangerous. Geoff. x

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Joyceyy,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting and sharing with us.

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. I'm really glad that you came to the forums because it takes so much courage to speak up. It sounds like you've recognised that what's happening is not okay - being physically hurt, being called names; you don't deserve this.

I hear that you say you need him and are nothing without him; why? Why are you not whole and complete on your own? I know that I wouldn't like to be with a man who calls me names under the sun; that doesn't make me feel needed. You deserve so much more than this.

Have you talked to anyone about what's going on for you? I think if you aren't already it would be really helpful to talk to a therapist. You can also ring the 1800 RESPECT line for some more support (it's a bit more geared to DV then BeyondBlue).

You said in your post that you should've turned right but instead you turned left. It is never too late Joyceyy. Never too late. You deserve more and your children deserve more.

Also to answer your question; yes I do think people can change. But they have to really want to change and it takes time. So far it doesn't sound like he wants to change nor is he ready for it. It's also important though that to change you need to feel equal; you're your own person and you're fine and whole just the way you are. If he was to change, maybe you could set some boundaries first; so that there are certain things that he can't do because that's not fair on you or your kids.

[kanga_brumby]

Dear Joyceyy welcome to BB forums. Your BF will not change his ways for years if at all. Your focus should be on your children and yourself first. I have two myself.

With you you are in danger of loosing your children. Because if child protection ever found your in an abusive relationship. They are bound by there little black book to remove the children. No correspondence entered into. They are gone visitation rites given, but not in your care. I would not wish that on you. Please for your own good and the good of your children. Loose him you can always find another, probably far better than him.

Kanga