I miss my son dearly

[CKS]

When your family are embarrassed and even scared of our mental disorders... What does one do? How does one cope?
My son ostracizes me! I know my addiction (alcohol) and my having CPTSD embarrasses him, but he could pop in once in a while and bring his little princess to see me. I am a functioning alcoholic and only drink 4 glasses of wine at night. I am always sober during the day and am practically retired, so I have a lot of time on my hands. I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I am his mother. I brought him up very well and he used to love me. He left home at 22 and now he’s 35, married and father of a gorgeous little girl.
About 5 years ago my sister told me that my son said these words to her “I hate my mother I literally hate my mother!”
I wake up every day knowing that my darling son hates me! I have hardly seen him in the last decade. My hearts bleeds!
Am I expecting too much? I know I am an addict and have mental disorders, but I feel I deserve some sort of respect & understanding?
What are your thoughts?

CKS

[white knight]

Hi again,

I know how you feel as I have an estranged daughter.

I cant help but think there is more detail about your circumstances we dont know about. Maybe ill feeling he has harboured for a long time.

Being a "functioning alcoholic" your behaviour depends on how people percieve you when drinking. You might not notice that you change your demeanor but they might have a different view and it's their view that matters.

Have you asked him why he hates you? Has there been arguments over the years?

As a person that has your alcohol consumption under some limits you can "expect" him to accept you as a new person even though he'd have serious scars from years gone by.

See, what I'm saying is this- you have beliefs as to why he should see you more often and bring his princess but...it is his reasons that matter and for whatever reason he has to keep his distance, you have to seek out those reasons and begin to rebuild the trust.

How is your progress with your alcohol addiction? Are you attending anywhere or anyone with the aim of reducing intake to zero? I ask this as in years to come it could be the catalyst to removing what could be the main reason he is distant.

You certainly have the strength to kick more goals as seen in your previous posts. That is what I admire you so much for. 4 drinks a night must have been a monumental point in your life but one drink is another goal then non alcoholic drinks the next. You know such suggestions is very hard for me to put to you but we are talking about your future relationships with your son and his princess. I want to help you give yourself every chance.

To enhance your relationship with your son, expanding your own interests can help. Social, sporting interests and hobbies will allow you to be more focussed on those and less hyped up with the why's as to your son.

If all this is too much to digest we can talk some more.

I'm hoping you can increase your chances with him by subtle change and other focusses. Then he'll see you happy, more stable and want more of you...without obligations.

Finally, no one can expect others to understand our mental illness.

Google

Beyondblue topic they just wont understand, why?

TonyWK

[CKS]

Hi WhiteKnight

Thank you for your thoughtful email.

Yes there have been embarrassing occasions because of my drinking. And I'm quite sure this is the reason for his absence. I may not deserve his visits but i can still hope.

Since my diagnosis of CPTSD i handle my drinking a lot better. I understand why i drink. My psychiatrist is always asking me to abstain, to go to AA etc.

Alcohol makes me feel uplifted. I feel so confident and attractive. It relaxes me. I forget about my childhood! I am no longer an ugly person. I'm not trying to obtain sympathy. I am simply explaining what affect it has on me. For some reason i don't suffer hangovers so I am able to get up early and get into the day... if i want to.

I'm not sure i can ever give up those feelings.

CKS

[white knight]

Hi CKS,

Thankyou for replying, I really expected you not to as there is no real easy way of conveying thoughts and recommendations when it comes to addiction.

It is easier for some people like myself that has hobbies, sporting interests and past times like poetry or tinkering. I built my own caravan for example and we go camping driving our vintage car.

Flooding your life with activities you are competent in, improves self esteem. Eg my lovely wife has taken up sewing and crochet. As we camped she came up with the plan to make her own window awnings on our caravan.

So having an interest can snowball in different directions. If such interests become intense and you grow competent, your esteem grows amd less need for those uppers.

Great in theory, I'm aware if the difficulties. I'm mentioning as any improvement will enhance your prospects with your son.

I have two grown daughters, the eldest I'm vlose with, the youngest is like her mother, narcissistic and I cant tolerate that. I'm estranged from her now, she's 27yo. It took me many years to accept I'd lost her. But finally I've made great strides. To do this I've convinced myself that blood family doesnt always end up close nor tolerable.

I think the best thing you can do is ask your son directly why he doesn't like you. If you need to, ask a relative for you. Guessing isnt a good idea.

You've done well. You are seeking help and gathering ideas. It might be that you'll never be close and acceptance is hard but a good goal so you can let go of your emotions. I know a lady that became estranged from her 2 sons. She finally became a foster mum to a 3yo boy that is now 18yo. That boy appreciates her so much.

Blood doesnt make family. Try and try some more but if it all fails, choose your family.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

CKS

I can understand how the alcohol makes you feel uplifted and you want that feeling to last.

Tony has written many helpful ideas .

I think your son may not like the things you do as he has little understanding of the trauma who had in your life in the past.

Thanks for your honesty.

Quirky

[CKS]

I will do as you say WhiteKnight, when an opportunity arises I will ask my son. Perhaps I will learn something more than I already know. And yes my children have no idea about my childhood trauma.

Thank you for the time you have taken to write me the threads you have.

I write bit of poetry too and i find it so uplifting.

Kind regards

CKS

[CKS]

Hey there quirkywords

Thank you for your email.

My children have no real idea about my childhood trauma. I have been writing a book about it, for the past three and half years. It's nearly finished... perhaps they will read it!

I love them so, but a lot of water has gone under the bridge, from the symptoms of CPTSD and my addiction.

Only time will tell.

CKS