I'm in trouble. I could do with help and support.

[JimmiD]

I am a 65 year old male. I was subject to childhood abuse and trauma. I ran from 'home'. Lived rough. Seen it tough. I have been many things. Had many relationships. Two marriages. Helped raise to great kids. I have been in a relationship for over four and a half years. I moved a long way to be in the relationship after being invited by my female partner to stay with her. I made a decision with her reassurance to leave my last professional job. It was a huge move based on trust. I was painted a beautiful picture. I committed to fulfilling my part in what was to be a good and loving relationship. In the time till now I have given my absolute all. I have supported her through her many personal traumas including sever chronic illness, anxiety, and depression. Only a few months into my living with her she began criticizing me for every thing I did. She worked while I did housework, cooked, and did a great deal of home maintenance and renovation for her. I paid my way and also worked on her home. I did tens of thousands of dollars of work on her property. Close friends of hers died. Then her parents died. I supported her and comforted her through her grief. There were many other problems she had to face including a very stressful job. Her criticism of me was very constant and often very harsh. I became nervous and felt my confidence and self-esteem was suffering. I am not the one to be a 'doormat' so I consistently spoke up for myself. This would just make things worse. She would accuse me of doing things or saying things that were either complete fabrications or distortions of reality. I was to blame for anything that went wrong or any conflict we may have. She told me what I said, what I thought, she corrected me constantly on word usage ( and I am a very well educated man), and rarely if ever complimented me on things. I was beginning to establish a small business from home as had been planned when after one of our frequent fights, she tried to kick me out. I stood my ground but left as soon as I was able. Over the years she has ended our relationship several times. She has always blamed me and rarely acknowledged any fault on her part.She has just ended our relationship again. I am blamed. When trying to problem solve she constantly blames me, accuses me, distorts things. She will not let me finish sentences when I try speaking up. She insists her version of facts is true. I feel she may have a narcissistic personality disorder and I am a victim of this.

[geoff]

Hello JimmiD, what you have told us must be so disappointing for you, after all the good work you've done for her and the property.

Do you think this is emotional abuse because if you are always wrong and not allowed to finish a sentence and everything else you have told us, it's sad this relationship is only one sided and become a victim.

Are you able to continue the business you have started away from her.

Geoff.

[JimmiD]

Thank you for your post Geoff

I feel I have been a constant victim of abuse in the relationship. I left so many things out of first post. These days I attempt to be an artist, photographer, musician. It has been hard to pursue these seriously as depression and anxiety increase due to feelings of loneliness and abandonment stemming from relationship. I was just getting a studio up and running when first break up happened. It is extremely difficult to have or maintain any real creative flow when there is no joy in life.

Right now I feel a total loss of identity, devastation, confusion, and loss of confidence.

A big problem is the many accusations and criticisms she has directed quite viciously and callously towards me over the years. I have believed in the potential of our relationship so invested much heart and effort. Her ending things with me on numerous occasions, when things have not gone well, has always been accompanied by blame and heartless attacks upon my integrity as a person. She seems to keep a mental record book of all my misdemeanors large, small, and exaggerated over the years, which she will recall any time I am 'out of favor'.

If I attempt to dispute things she says about me I get shot down in flames and treated like I am in denial and/or lying. Attempts at trying to talk through things rationally usually end in her being extremely angry with me as I speak up for myself. She will say things about me that are so untrue, or distorted. Often her recounts of long past events that I have trouble remembering. She uses this in attacks upon me. She has often turned my best intended actions, acts of kindness towards her, into accusations of bad behaviour towards her. In heated discussion she will repeat something I have said minutes before in a slightly altered form and argue when say that is not what I said.."yes you did, yes you did, yes you did, you di, dou did, you idi, you did"! Thats is how she goads me. Then moves on to another attack leaving the previous one undisputed, She even tells me what I think.."Oh you think (such and such)"..."no, I dont think that at all"..."yes you do yes you do...you do".

It gets so bad I think to myself "am I being gaslighted here"? It totally does my head in.

I lost patience a week ago. In frustration I said something that hurt her feelings. I did regret this and apologized with remorse and empathy. I encouraged her to air her feelings. I attempted peace. She quickly ended us saying "Last time..I'm Done"

[JimmiD]

I ran out of space. Here is more:

I am airing these troubles to help prevent me from going insane. There is so much more to tell. I know that I do not deserve her treatment. Let me say a little more about me..

I was subject to terrible emotional, psychological, and physical abuse from early childhood through to adolescence. I was often abandoned as a young child. My mum had mental illness and was often hospitalized. She had a love/hate relationship with me. She could be very loving in one instant and then viciously cruel in the next. My dad was absent most of the time. He was also a harsh disciplinarian and often very cruel. In my childhood I was nervous and timid. But I made friends and I did normal boy things. I was adventurous and prone to be wild when I felt confident. My parents moved us a number of times. When people ask me where I grew up I can only answer everywhere or nowhere. I began getting in trouble with the police in my early teens. I was not supervised and spent much time in gangs on the streets of a very rough area. I was sent to work on a farm at 14yo in an attempt to keep me out of trouble. In those days I witnessed and was involved in a lot of street violence.  Returning from the farm at 15yo I soon left home. I began hitching around the country. I ended up in all sorts of places and situations. It was hard living, crime, violence always present.

I did not ever become an aggressive man. In fact I have long been a peacemaker. I have been violent only in defense of self or others. One learns to be streetwise and avoid trouble as much as possible. I never sought trouble.

Over the years I have been in many relationships and two marriages. I was a soldier for ten years. My first wife left during that time as she had been having a long affair with another man. She eventually attempted to gain custody of my son. I fought it and won.

I eventually studied psychology and worked in health, welfare and disabilities. I burned out two or thee times. It was very intense work.

I have realized over the years that I attract a certain kind of relationship that astoundingly mirrors my childhood relationships.

Treated for PTSD, anxiety and depression. I've seen numerous therapists. Im tired,distressed and again feel abandoned!

[mmMekitty]

Hello JimmiD,

This relationship sounds untenable. You deserve far better treatment than what you are describing. From my perspective it does not matter if she has a narcissistic personality or not, her behaviour towards you is extremely disrespectful & frankly, abusive.

In the way you quote her words, she sounds to be very immature. That way of speaking is rather like what I might expect from a 6 year old.

I can't tell you what you should d. I would ask if this relationship is meeting your needs? I think you have a decision to make about what you need & whether or not this relationship is meeting your needs.

I'm sorry, it's tough for you. It may be too difficult for you to think through everything. If so, you can call RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

Warm regards,

mmMekitty

[JimmiD]

Thank you MeKitty

I am airing and venting a little. I know I don't deserve this treatment. One of the worst aspects of it is that I start to doubt myself and question whether it is me with the serious problem here. But I am a naturally kind man, despite my very difficult background, and I do practice tolerance and forgiveness. I care and I show it in many ways large and small. All I really expect is to be treated with kindness, forgiveness, and tolerance also. I would dearly love to share peace and goodness and enjoy the simple things life has to offer.

It really appears that this relationship may be finally done. I just do not any longer have the energy to persevere any longer. I am feeling very depleted but also used up and spat out once again.

Its hard. I have lived a very long and full life. I have much to give. Right now I feel a sense of fear that I will not ever share the kind of peaceful and loving relationship I would like in this life time.

My lifelong feelings of loss and abandonment seem enduring no matter what I do.

I am now taking a little time to step back, take stock, and heal. Its an all too familiar process.

I know that the love I seek begins within me! But right now it is easy to lose sight of that.

It is a good day here and the sun is shining. There is a beautiful beach just five minutes away. I fear that if I go there I will just sit in my loneliness watching the happy people, couples, families and feeling miserable.

But I will risk it and go. Maybe instead I can find some inner peace and warm sunlight.

I guess that's a baby step. Ever my own therapist. Well its worked in the past. It can work now!

Thanks again