I’m a victim of image based abuse and I feel really upset and alone.

[PinkDiamonds25]

I’m a female in my mid 30s.

I have children of my own.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for many years.

I had children with this person.

During the relationship there were a lot of red flags that I should have payed more attention to but somehow ignored. A year or two into the relationship he had sexual intercourse with me whilst I was asleep. He didn’t physically hurt me but there definitely wasn’t consent.

a year or so later I woke up to him a similar incident involving my face.

Near the end of the relationship I woke up to him taking photos of me and touching me whilst I was sleeping.

I was upset after each of these situations, we broke up shortly after the last one.

A few years after we broke up (so fairly recently) I was looking at some digital photos he had given me and found a folder full of photos and videos he had taken of me whilst sleeping without consent.

In some of them he’s touching me intimately.
min some of them he’s moved my clothing to get a better “shot”. He’s also recorded us having sex without my knowledge or consent. Even though these photos were taken a few years ago and we have since broken up, I still feel really upset about it and violated. 
Some of these photos were taken at the beginning of the relationship and others were taken at the end of it so this has happened on a lot of occasions and has occurred over a long time.

Ive searched online to see if I could connect with someone else who has been through a similar experience but can’t seem to find anyone?

surely I’m not the only person this has happened to? I know that it’s illegal to take photos like this without someone’s consent but most of the info I can find focuses on the nonconsensual “sharing” of intimate images and says nothing about nonconsensual “taking of photos”.

The ex and I did sometimes send consensual nudes to each other throughout the relationship but this feels completely different due to the violation of trust and privacy surrounding these photos/videos.

I feel really hurt. My self esteem is affected. I feel like this has affected my self value negatively.

I don’t know what to do about it from here. I don’t know if I would be taken seriously if I reported it? I’m worried that my ex would just lie and say that they were consensual if I report it?

I feel so betrayed and disgusting.

[Sophie_M]

Hi PinkDiamonds25,  

Firstly we would like the thank you for having the bravery to share your experience. We are so sorry this occured, it sounds like a frightening and upsetting experience and we’re sorry to hear what you’re going through as a result. We’re glad you had the strength to post this here though, posts like yours provide help to others and help members of our community to feel less alone in similar cicumstances. Please know that you are not alone, we are always here to listen.

We wanted to emphasise that the behaviours you described were unacceptable and is abuse, we would encourage you to approach the police or dial 000 if you feel unsafe. It also sounds like you could use some specific support with this. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here as they as experts in situations such as these: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome 

If you'd prefer to call us, we're on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us online via our webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/   

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.    

Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

[PinkDiamonds25]

Thanks for your reply Sophie.

I truely do appreciate it.

I have connected with a psychologist and a domestic violence councillor (I attend each bi-weekly so I am speaking to someone about it and working through  it.

I’d really just like to connect with someone else who’s been through something similar so as to not feel so alone. 
I’m assuming that crimes like this probably do happen to others, just that people don’t usually find out about the photos unless they’ve been shared. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello pinkDiamonds25

I can only echo Sophie_M's response & stress how important it would be to have counselling in regards to going to the police & anything which might happen if you do.  

I imagine we hear so little of this sort of thing happening is that most people abused in this way feel ashamed of how they were abused, even though they have done nothing wrong, & the abuse is not their fault. Proving the abuse is another hurdle.

Although I haven't been abused in quite the same way, (to my knowledge), I was with a fellow who tried to have sex with me while I was asleep, but I woke up with him about to. That episode had triggered memories of earlier abuse, & somehow, I managed to disuade him. Not quite sure how, but I had.

He'd wanted to take pictures, but I had refused.

Your post triggers a fear in me, that maybe he did take pictures ... but I don't know. I never saw any, not of me, but of someone else. It's rather scary, just thinking of it.

I can easily understand how violated you feel. Abuse doesn't get much more personal & to my mind, underhanded as him taking pictures without consent & you not in control of each & every image.

I am glad you have a psychologist you are able to work with.

It may take a long time to feel yourself to be whole & strong. You are, though, whole  & strong - not broken at all. He never had that much power. Even after all these years & everything he put you through, you are still you. You are here now, with courage, telling us your story.

If I can be here for you, I will. (It's not so easy for me anymore, but I still try).

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[PinkDiamonds25]

Hi mmMekitty,

thank you so much for your reply.

I really do appreciate you sharing your experience and I do apologise if my post was triggering for you.

It’s such an emotional situation to experience, surprisingly even after such a long time since the actual abuse took place. Due to only just finding all of the evidence (photos and videos ect) it’s such a strange thing, in my head, I know that I am safe now, but physically and emotionally it feels like it’s just happened due to only just viewing the extent to what has taken place.

I wish that I could just reach through the computer screen and wake my past self up, give her a big hug and get her the help and protection that she clearly needed at that time.

one positive (if there ever was one in such a awful confronting situation) is that for the first time since that awful relationship, I am able to acknowledge the severity of the abuse I endured and am now working on some self empathy eg, recognising that what I experienced was abuse and was against the law and it was/is a really horrible/hard thing to experience. 
I won’t let this situation define me.
I will stand up to this person who has violated my rights to privacy and consent and I will take whatever help I can to get get past this trauma and to educate myself so that something like this never gets this out of hand again. Whenever I notice the negative thoughts of self blame, minimising, or self critical thoughts popping up, it helps me to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong here and that I didn’t deserve it. I’m placing blame (on the perpetrator) where it belongs.

it’s just a very humiliating experience.

I have been to the police and made a formal report, I have handed over the photos (plus a heap more that I couldn’t bring myself to go through) and all evidence from the events that I have to a detective for investigation.

there’s quite a lot of evidence there so hopefully it will lead to charges being laid.

for anyone else who has had something like this happen to them,

id like to let them know that they aren’t alone.

the police and investigator were all very understanding and empathetic towards me. They were very professional to deal with.

I will update with more info when I can but I’m just being mindful with what I post here because I don’t want to do anything that might jeopardise the investigation.

take care everyone x

[mmMekitty]

Hello pinkDiamonds25

Good to hear from you again, & thanks for the update.

I love your attitude about the abuse & the perpetrator.

I had a moment when I felt confronted by the severity of the abuse I endured, (this was earlier, when I was a teenager) & that it was actually violence against me. My Psychiatrist still will point out when I am minimising what I've experienced.

Your determination will be a force to reckon with!

& I've now learned a lot about boundaries. I don't have to put up with any s**t from anyone.

You are very sensible to not say anything you are not comfortable to say, or that might compromise the investigation.

You need not answer any questions here, not any, unless you want to.

I would like to ask if you have considered having some counselling or seeing a therapist who could help you with the emotional upheaval, the memories, & thoughts or any other difficulties you are experiencing, such as anxiety or depression? 

It might be a good idea to see your GP & explain how you are feeling, or say you want to talk to someone about past experiences, without going into detail, if you like,  & ask for a referral or a mental health care plan?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[PinkDiamonds25]

• Hi again Mmmekitty, I’m all over the mental health side of things at the moment, I’ve got a councillor whom I’ve been speaking about the trauma on a fortnightly basis and also a psychologist on a fortnightly basis, I figure that this way I’m at least speaking with someone on a weekly basis so that I can stay on top of it all (hopefully). I know that I’ll need the support once the ex is made aware of the police involvement, especially if this goes to court. 
  
  
• it’s hard because I know that the ex will be very angry when he finds out that I’ve been to the police because I honestly think that he believes that he has done absolutely nothing wrong here. He treated me like an object for the whole relationship.  He has no empathy or regard for other people’s feelings. 
  I’m also dealing with the family law side of things with him at the moment (because a criminal case wasn’t bad enough **cringe**).

It’s so hard trying to protect myself and also our young children from someone like this but I guess I’m just going to have to go through the processes and hope for a safe outcome for all involved. 

[PinkDiamonds25]

Hi again, just incase anyone is following, I can’t give too much detail because of the ongoing situation but I just wanted to update you all and let you know that my abuser has now been arrested!

I’ve got a long way to go to get through the rest of this process but it’s a start.

[mmMekitty]

Hello PinkDiamonds

I am so sorry I missed your post a month ago.

I understand the need to not say much here, given that this is a forum open to the public to view.

Remember 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) if you need any more support.  

Stay strong.

Do everything you can to protect & care for yourself & your children.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Guest_20906368]

Hello,

Thank you so much for posting this. I am in a very similar situation and I feel so unbelievably violated.

i have gone to the police but because I have only just found the images/videoed of me and also that they have been sent to other people .. it is past the period that someone can be charged. I have spoken to police but there is nothing I can do.

i feel like I can barely even do my job or get it kids to school.

I feel so alone 😞