I believe i have PTSD but all my experince says that i will be treated like the culprit not the victim if i seek help (distressing content warning)

[swim]

I have trouble vocalizing how i feel so please understand i may mis-communicate some times

Apporximately 2 and a half years ago i lived in a share house in which i rented a room at the front of the house next to the front door; 
Unfortunately for me i made the biggest mistake of my life as i lived in a share house so i kept my gadgets and wallet in a small safe in the front lounge room where the front door is.  That was what a group of 20yo's decided was there target.

ive woken up and opened my door to a situation that i can never forget.    The front door was kicked in there were multiple assailants, one of which attacking my housemate with a metal bar in an attempt to get him to say the safe code. the others next to him with three more standing in the front verander    I was in shock and my arrival in the situation made the attackers stop and stare at me in surprise...my mind was racing on how to deal with the problem..(at which point i was attacked with an engine block and lost conciseness for about 10 seconds)..

i was left with sever facial swelling/ bruising, i was coughing up blood for a week and suffering a headache for almost a year straight. the hospital gave me some panadol forte and sent me packing after refusing to Xray my skull because the doctor claimed that there was nothing he could do even if it was fractured.  This was after hours of waiting in the waiting and the doctors spent the whole time accusing both me and my housemate of doing it to each other, my job made me take 2 weeks off work unpaid because they didn't like the look of the swelling and bruising on my face and the cops accused me of selling amphetamines and spent more of there time saying that i couldn't call it a home invasion anymore that laws say it has to be called an aggravated burglary.

Everything i experienced was people trying to blame me which is half the reason i feel the way i do.

Since then I've been unable to get a good nights sleep, ive developed a drug habit, i barley leave my house, if i think about the incident i cant get it out of my head ,I have become so temperamental and irritable people don't like to be around me, i cant hold a job for more than 6 months before i break and i have chronic depression and anxiety

The end result is my life is falling apart and i have no idea how to start putting it back together,

  I consider getting doctor diagnoses but from what i experienced I'd be treated as the culprit not the victim.     How do i deal with this?

[Mares73]

 Dear Swim

Thankyou for your courage in reaching out on Beyond Blue. I can assure you this is a safe place where you will not be judged at all-in fact you'll experience the opposite-compassion, care, support,from others who have experienced various types of trauma. 

Firstly I must say I am so very sorry you endured such terrible, shocking abuse. Such a terrible experience would leave anyone with physical, mental & emotional scars. To be treated as though you weren't the victim is shocking.

I would suggest you most likely suffer from Posttraumatic Stress disorder (PTSD), depression & acute anxiety. For anyone to blame you for what happened is unbelievable & outright cruel. How could you have known it would happen!

i understand as a result of extreme trauma many of us develop addictions of various kinds in the hope of blocking out the memories for a while. Can I ask if your on opiate drugs or other types? It's understandable you turned to drugs in an attempt to dull the emotional pain. But this only works for a short while.

Can I suggest that any decent Dr (& beyond blue has a list of gps who are trained in mental health) would be very compassionate given what you've experienced. The reason I suggest going to a Dr is they can give you a mental health plan which allows you 10 visits with a Pyschologist of your choice or one recommended. Gps have details of Pyschologists. I also believe you would benefit from medication. Antidepressants don't make you happy-they simply ensure your brain chemistry is right & can also help with anxiety, depression & PTSD. 

Swim it's time you got the support you need. You endured extreme violence & trauma & it will take time to reach some recovery but it's worth it to realise the trauma situation was not caused by anything you did. And the effects on your life because of the incident have also been horrific.  You deserve hope that you can live a full life again. Right now I see you drowning in pain, caught in a rip you can't get out of.

You have suffered enough. Please go to a GP-if you can't talk about the incident then ask them to read your story from here. Your life is currently on hold, in limbo & I hear you desperately wanting a life again but struggling on your own & no idea how to move forward (I don't think anyone could know).

Your experience is devastating. It's taken enough of your life. Please try to not let those bastards ruin your whole life. You deserve so much more.

please write back?

Lve Mares X 

[blondguy]

Hey Swim...My name is Paul....

You have been to hell and back on this one...I read your post twice and it breaks my heart to read what shocking abuse you have been through....Let alone people trying to play the blame game with you......So wrong on so many levels.....

Your concentration is probably suffering as well.....but please..please call  a GP as soon as you can...Their primary role is to care for you.....I do hope you have a GP that you are comfortable with Swim...If you dont..please find one...

Mares post above is SPOT ON and if you have a printer...print Mares post out and take the whole page to a doctor as soon as possible....Then you can let her/him read it...It will give you more time with your doctor Swim

We are here for you Swim...please let us know how you are going

(Hugs) for you if thats okay

Paul

[swim]

hi Mares and Paul id like to thank you for your posts and I appreciate your support at this point in time im starting feel like there is a way out

Honestly ive never actually developed a relationship with any doctor i spent most of my life moving states so it was rare for me to be in one place long enough to have more than 2 or 3 visits to the same doctor.

Im not sure what the rules are with stating this (mod can feel free to V-TO if necessary) But i smoke marijuana as it allows me to sleep a lot easier. Its become a problem of late leaving me broke on a regular basis.

I would like to ask if i go to a GP about this how will it affect my life in the future?  Im sure what is happening now is worse but it does worry me there will be restrictions on what i am able to do in the future? 
For example ive always wanted to be a pilot would being diagnosed stop me from doing such a thing?

[blondguy]

Hi Swim

No worries at all 🙂

There are strict rules on here ....but only to protect sufferers privacy....names of meds...etc...But the BB people are here as volunteers and if we didn't care we wouldn't be on here...Many of the volunteers here including myself are/have been sufferers of anxiety/depression...the list goes on 🙂

In a 'Nutshell' you are more than welcome Swim.Okay, with the marijuana ...We are non judgmental on that..and thankyou for speaking from the heart Swim....a true sign of strength on your part...Our Moderators would be aware you are in crisis after the shocking physical & psychological abuse you have been through..

Your question regarding a GP and how it would affect your future? .....If you can find a GP through a friend that they trust...and as long as you are open with them regarding your history...I don't see an issue Swim...as long as you are using it for medicinal purposes of course Swim

I noticed you had an ambition to be a pilot...And well done Swim...I feel you can do it...you are intelligent, articulate and have a good heart. I feel you can do it Swim.

Any GP will keep records Swim...but you will have to find an alternative method to help you sleep. The GP is not allowed by law to disclose your private medical details to any future employer or flight training facility.

Anyhow...Small steps first here Swim....and you know i have to ask this..Do you have anywhere you can stay where you are safe? Any Relatives...Any friends..Acquaintances?

Please see a GP first regarding the trauma you have been through....Thats a must....and you may have to see her/him a few times (I hope) before we discuss flying a twin engine Beechcraft Turbo Prop 🙂

The GP will be focused on caring for you as a victim of a serious assault...The doctors records are not available to anyone by law without your consent Swim...I am only trying to help you help yourself.....GP first...dont even worry or think about the marijuana....You have to heal Swim..

Here for you Swim..

Take good care...okay?

Paul

[blondguy]

Hi Swim

Sorry....I posted with great care & detail  at 2:30am this morning and its not here?...so I will rewrite it in brief...

* Your GP cannot discuss your health with anyone including any prospective employers without your consent  even later on...that info is off bounds

* You have been a victim of shocking abuse Swim....forget about the marijuana right now..book in with a GP

* Your goal to be a pilot is positive and achievable Swim...Good One!....Keep going a you will get there

* You having restrictions later will only be if you have a physiological issue or fail the initial  testing Swim

Let us know how you go

Kind Thoughts

Paul